poetry critical

online poetry workshop



when your hair was long
_fallenleaf

i wish i had known you when your hair was long.
 1
before you became able to explain
 2
the beauty that is cast
 3
by the shadow of a football field.
 4
 
 
before you started
 5
anthro-apologizing for
 6
America's beating heart;
 7
back when you sang alone into empty
 8
white waiting rooms,
 9
damp with abstinence
 10
and geisha paint.
 11
long haired anger, i wish i had known you,
 12
held your hand
 13
even though we probably wouldn't have known
 14
what to call it.
 15
 
 
how did you come to be so new?
 16
you close chapters of your life with
 17
scissors and speeches and powerpoint presentations
 18
how did you come to ebb here,
 19
drunk between
 20
blankets, skin
 21
and armored eyes?
 22
 
 
and when your echoed scream
 23
breaks against rooms of
 24
mirrors and familiar songs,
 25
"take me home',
 26
i will open and say, "Ocean,
 27
you were made to sculpt shores."
 28

19 Sep 10

Rated 10 (9.5) by 5 users.
Active (5): 10
Inactive (26): 1, 5, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(21 more poems by this author)

(22 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

mmmmm
 — dazlious

hmm?

; )
 — fractalcore

Oh, you're not foolin anyone! Come out and claim this gold bar!!
I love it.

:)
 — mandolyn

BOO and YEAH!
 — unknown

One of the best I've seen on PC in ages. Will try to return when I'm more awake to crit. Though I can say this, there's not a ton to be changed. "anthro-apologizing", "empty/white waiting rooms", "abstinence/and geisha paint", "scissors and speeches and powerpoint presentations", "armored eyes", "room of mirrors and familiar voices" are some of my favourite moments in this. Some very fine writing, here.
 — Inuki

I really love this thru line 22, and wish it would end (very strongly) there.

Your current ending doesn't even seem like it belongs in the same poem; maybe because of its placement; maybe partly because of the too-cute use of poem as a verb. I'm all for creating a verb when an existing one just won't due, but this seems contrived.

If 23 thru 31 is really necessary to say what you need to say, consider moving it up, say between the current lines 15 and 16. Finishing with this part puts too much stress on N's plaintive plea. I wan't to be left with what the subject has become:

Maybe because I can relate more to the subject than I can to N. Who you want at center stage should weigh into your decision.
 — A

Excellence.  Nothing more need be said.
 — sybarite

thanks, guys! A, i think you're right about the cutesy "poem" verb use. you might be right about the last stanza's placement, too, there's something off about it that i don't really like.

i revised some bits in 27-32, and all of 16-19.
i think i'm going to stay an unknown, though. the person this is written for sometimes hangs around PC, and i'm not ready to send it to her yet.
haha, so dramatic!
 — _fallenleaf

I'm trying to find a line I don't like.

Not possible!
 — Isabelle5

Even though I've urged you to think more about this, I hope you won't respond too rashly. You know what you want to do here better than any of us, and, look, this is wildly popular already! I'll be expecting perfection, eventually ;)

A
 — unknown

This poem has an interesting effect on me. That's what I like in poetry. Amazing. :)
 — dele

good stuff.
 — RGJohnson

Like button.
 — Infrangible

beautiful!
 — amaranthe

you incorporate questions in your poem so well.
 — amarel

beautiful little thing.
 — unknown

Very well felt, and well written, and well everything.
 — Empty

thank you so much for the read!
 — _fallenleaf

for me, the poem begins on L12. that's a winner. fresh. fresh.

i do feel some gratutious oceans and screams and mirrors in places.

love 20-22, original and sonic and conveys so much in so little space.
 — NicMichaels

nicmichaels, have i ever told you that your advice is the best? mm! it always helps.
 — _fallenleaf

i agree, starting on L12 would be dope.

i still love this one.
 — mandolyn

how good is this?
 — unknown

you mean starting one 1 would be the way to go.
 — unknown

apparently redheads feel more pain, more than any of the other outre simian hair variants
 — unknown

they'd be ((ƧЯOЯЯIMMIRRORS(())ƧЯOЯЯIMMIRRORS)) reflecting scenes with mature themes...
 — unknown

You've got it... a true understanding of syllable rhyme and flow. That is a rare talent, to see language like that. You might be the only person on this site that does.

A challenge: write it as prose (just don't break the lines, obviously.) You will be renown, really. Promise.

Poetry is dead... unless you write lyrics.

Peace and fame.
 — unknown

poetry is pretty much a private language. that's why it's always more alive then some crap constructed into a commercial song lyric: poetry makes its own music. unfortunately, this poem offering isn't one of those musical poems.

this is good enough for someone like inuki, but inuki thinks poetry should be ethically masculine and simple, like a dumb lunk.

poetry begins in the heart, not the fingertips.
 — bmikebauer

good
 — unknown

Do you struggle with your research papers? You don't have to worry about it any longer, because you can buy custom writing.  
 — unknown

Absolutely beautiful. Gave me goosebumps, thank you.
 — wendz

thank you!!
 — _fallenleaf

FRICKIN' LOVE this poem!!!!  (This person must know me)
 — aforbing

my hair was never long. i've been in the army since birth.
 — unknown

This is a good poem, but I think it needs to be retired from the top rated list. I'm tired of seeing it there. lol. No offense of course... plus I think I already posted that another one of the author's works is better.
 — aliar

no one believes you. you're a liar.
 — unknown

spam spammm
 — unknown

Ivory Flower Girl Dress - High quality girl party dresses, bridesmaid dresses at affordable prices.
 — unknown

excellent
 — 9

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