poetry critical

online poetry workshop

left on the banks of rivers I can barely believe are moving

dipped into silence
no thoughts to cradle my throbbing mind
she invited me here
where firecrackers were supposed to spray
in a night sky filled with treetops flapping their gold
against a moon of a thousand wishes
hellfire only launches itself across these stones,
rocks I once leaned my weight against
O God, open up my lost heart
heart with flaming arrows flying towards it
heart I never knew

20 Sep 10

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I think that if you kept verses 2 & 3, it would be fine.  The other verses seem to be extraneous.  
 — Isabelle5

i might move s1 to the position of s3. L3 makes a nice opening, and s1 makes more sense to me following L8, and it feels more like a finish than a starting stanza. compelling write overall, with engaging imagery, a lot of feeling. (nicmichaels)
 — unknown