poetry critical

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Time & Soda Cans

kamikazi clock
crashing into smitherines
what a waste of time
                 soda cans flattened
                 await 'alluminating'

26 Sep 10

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 4 users.
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hee hee cheered up my bleak Sunday afternoon
 — larrylark

haha.   line 2, maybe 'crashing to smitherines' ?  made me smile.  thankx.
 — JKWeb

hahaha, what perfection, lalita.
chuckle_s would've been glad to see these.
your utilization of the 5-7-5 structure is masterful and witty.

incidentally, you might wanna check a piece i read about
3 years ago here. it's not written within the constraints of
the 5-7-5, but it works as a good mantra-loop:

http://www.poetry critical.net/read/324/

your 2nd piece reminded me of it.
i'd like to read more of your work.

thank you.

; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks, glad you all were amused by my pieces. Fractal, thank you for your kind words, they mean much to me, especially due to your expertise with the written word. I'll check out that
piece you recommended soon. Om Shanti ~
 — lalita

LOL!  :-)
 — starr