poetry critical

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blackbirds played with my bones
JKWeb

My flesh turned to ashes
 1
scattered by the breeze
 2
of a blackbird’s wings
 3
 
 
My arm bones
 4
used as drumsticks—
 5
the skull-tapping
 6
had just begun
 7
 
 
A dark-eyed lady
 8
used my pelvis
 9
as a bike seat—
 10
she pedaled along
 11
on her tricycle,
 12
tucked her feathers
 13
as she cawed
 14
 
 
My humerus proved hilarious
 15
in splintered grins—
 16
beaks had blown
 17
my bones
 18
too thin
 19
 
 
My ribcage
 20
housed the largest rook
 21
 
 
I awoke
 22
and requested
 23
that my remains
 24
be buried
 25
in a field of scarecrows
 26

1 Oct 10

Rated 10 (9.5) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (6): 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

What the?!
Wow Web, this is dark and dreary yet so magnificent.
8-14, what a vision! lol

loof eet. ♥

-mandee
 — unknown

GREAT
 — unknown

thanks a bunch mandolyn for reading and comments.

thank you too unknown.  glad you like it.
 — JKWeb

definitely the defining prose-crafted text for the day, and it shows why prose can only describe and evoke but never create an emotion beyond what the reader already streams from media.
 — bmikebauer

"it shows why prose can only describe and evoke but never create an emotion"


Totally wrong.
 — jharrison

Not bad article referring to this post. Everyone would check the topic at the essays writing services and buy an essay or purchase essays finished by writing services’ writers.
 — unknown

thanks mbauer for reading and comments despite your dislike of the "prose" angle.
 — JKWeb

many thanks jharrison for having a look.  I hope you like the write.
 — JKWeb

nice poem james,
you know, it seemed the poem started at line 8 for me.

flesh and ashes (seems to be too commonplace these days)
line 2 was nice (reminded me of something)
i would keep 'wing' singular

think S2 could be rephrased and/or tightened
skull-tapping is good, drumsticks are really cool as well
(line 7 sort of kills it/prose)

anyway, just a few thoughts to share
thought it was an animali write, very cool and alfred hitchcocky.  ;)
 — Estella

hey 'stella.  I think flesh and ashes works well in the same line sonically speaking.  not sure how I'd re-word that line and still convey what I was trying to say.  I personally like the plural wing(s) in line 3 to give the perception that the bird is landing atop the 'bones'.   however, I was thinking of changing line 7 to 'commenced' or 'had commenced' ...better?  thanks for reading and feedback.  glad you dig most of it.
 — JKWeb

hey j,
i think for me it's a sonic overkill in the first stanza, meh, that's just me.

a thought to ponder for S2 might be ridding 'were' and changing 'like' to 'as'...
had commenced and just begun both don't really work for me, but it's not about me :)

yeah your poem is pretty cool
=-)
 — Estella

is it ok to present prose in a protected and empowered way by calling it 'poetry'? or, is poetry simply any non-compliant text-object? so, is a telephone number a 'poem' in the right context.. for you? and, if it is for someone else, does that mean that poetry is 'subjective' and can't be critiqued at all for wording and creativity? -- only critiqued for appropriate or inappropriate content?

if using line-breaks to give breath to prose means that poetry is really prose, why is so much poetry with stories and fun characters so suffocating to read? mystery.
 — bmikebauer

hello again 'stella.  made a few changes as per your suggestions.  will give some more thought to the overkill but then again, I like Overkill.  thanks again.
 — JKWeb

thanks for re-visiting Mike.  I was not aware that this was prosey when I wrote it.  prose is okay with me, even on a poetry site.  look at the writings of jpmhawk.  his work is stellar.  I'd call it prose-ish but it's still fantastic.
 — JKWeb

it's not ok with me, cause it's not a developed prose -- it doesn't have any texture, because all the edge is dissipated in line-breaks -- it's like the breaks are harmonic points, chord-changes, and in prose those changes are done with descriptive textures -- the mood changes because the landscape of emotion changes. emotion, in prose, has to be cliche -- it's the only way prose works -- because you're trying to get people to follow a plot, not invent a psychology for the reader to read you in.

if poetry were just sensitive and some different images then poetry would look like anecdote or obituary. poetry is like a dance of words, it's alive and real. it just doesn't work as an undefined prose form to walk through like a zombie. hawk's work is all from trying to find a life again by saying what was what. what we do as poets is invent a new life by writing outside our hesitation and restraint. poetry is always real and alive, not just interesting and sometimes sad/happy.
 — bmikebauer

this is quirky poetry, yes -- sort of a surreal for people with not much pulse left but lots of anger -- it's topical and button pushing, and that takes it out of the usual letter-writing moves which people mistake for poetry writing. but, it's like this topical text is just a hint of what the author would really like to say if he or she could just let go. it's just too controlled to be a poetry yet. the only move in poetry is to go as far as you can go making words, and then bring whatever can be brought back for the reader you want to read your poem. but, if you want everyone to get your message, you're going to have to send a telegram to big brother, so's he'll make everyone listen to such important thoughts.
 — bmikebauer

'sup Mike.  I appreciate your feedback and will take into consideration your thoughts on this piece.  mostly, I'm just along for the ride when I write.
 — JKWeb

i hope the ride is watching yourself writing the poem and seeing the new places it's taking you?? cause, that's when poetry really starts to crystallize into more than an apology for writing.
 — bmikebauer

JKWeb
You're one of the best poets here.
And one of the best people.
 — unknown

many thanks unknown for the kind words.
 — JKWeb

JK Im love with you. Will you marry me? Would you write me lovely words every day?
 — unknown

^ lol
 — mandolyn

^Jealous
 — unknown

^ Go get him. ;)
 — mandolyn

;)
 — unknown

Me likes a man in uniform/////// ****
 — unknown

" When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams. "
-- Dr Suess
 — JKWeb

Can not sleep Web :0zzzzzzzzzzz
 — unknown

web. I don't love you, but I like your poem ALOT!
 — unknown

i used to want to marry dr. seuss

i wonder if he snores.
 — mandolyn

unknown 1:  maybe some Ambien or Lunesta? lol...

unknown 2:  thanks, I'm glad you like it A LOT

I already thanked mandolyn.
 — JKWeb

blackbird playin' with my 'phone,
i say, blackbird, he messin' my ring-tone.
got to get me a 'berry; don't got one,
i am staying so alone.

( supposed to write stories about what you know, dude. )
 — bmikebauer

Still Luvin you JK--- Your words too.
 — unknown

Buried in a field of scarecrows is a great line.  I love forensic books that show denuded skulls with flowers growing through the eye sockets.  This is whimsical and fresh.  I love the idea of a dark eyed lady (I see a glitzy fairy in my head) using your pelvis as a bike seat!  Your humerous line is much like a poem I wrote about seeing the Humer(ous), so I naturally like that line a lot!

Overall, good job.  (Now draw it!)
 — Isabelle5

a nod to Poe as Memento-mori: we're often myopic about our memento-mori, the end of our story, that last-gasp of surrendering, diving infinitely-in, that unending-bending into the fatal-skin --

yet, we see the poet-tree gnarled and askew reaching with its bony-finger to that cloudy-whirl, white on blue, all the while curling-roots around the stones of earth, the muddy star-dust of its birth, sipping nameless elements of course ... yes, it lurches in the wind making leaf-song whimper for the climb, the whine of being locked in Sun drenched dirt, the blood of longing serpents-up its trunk, yes, from deeper turnings where these roots have sunk

I can 'see' your imagery carved in words made flesh, yet must confess that the bones called out to me on glistening wings, and the scary things they've seen, heard in their gurgling croak song, to beckon you to come along to the sea where Pluto's waves reach toward your misery ...
 — AlchemiA

thanks again unknown.  gratitude.
 — JKWeb

thank you for the thorough read and comments Isabelle.  as you might have noticed, I've taken a slight hiatus from the art poems though I did post one semi-recently.
 — JKWeb

thanks AlchemiA for the reading and the poetic crit (always cool to read).  you're right about the Edgar Allen Poe-try influence but there's some influence from Plath as well as she incorporated the blackbird or rook into lots of her works (as you may know).  appreciate it much
 — JKWeb

Perhaps but your spark is still there and the idea of a word picture, JK.
 — Isabelle5

line 20 onwards there is such strong poetry you should keep distilling drafts over and over as you have the bones of an awesome poem here. Look at some of my 1st drafts some start flawed and inconsistent held together by some strong lines. Work on this james and you wont regret the final cut. Cad.
 — unknown

thanks Cad.  sorry, didn't realize you had commented on this.  actually, I had edited this quite a bit before posting.  however, I will look at this from time to time and see how I can improve it as I do with most of my poems.  as a good friend once told me, (he's an English professor) a poem is almost never done.  thanks again.
 — JKWeb

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