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on dreaming of us beneath the yellow sky
DeformedLion

i want to tickle you,
 1
like elmo
 2
 
 
and watch the frost
 3
as the window clouds
 4
in mind.
 5
 
 
i want to mint you
 6
on a silver-
 7
flip; tales
 8
of us
 9
 
 
spinning through,
 10
lipped and every
 11
tongue
 12
 
 
that will ever
 13
flood--
 14
 
 
eye,
 15
i know that we are done.
 16
having taken the
 17
short road out,
 18
 
 
where yellow parts
 19
intercede, swallow thought
 20
like water
 21
that the symbol of this
 22
is just a tremble
 23
 
 
and every part  
 24
 
 
and every little piece
 25
of me
 26
 
 
is swathed in even strips
 27
of maudlin old
 28
yellow.
 29


.for the one who makes me wet.

6 Oct 10

Rated 10 (6.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (14): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Stanza 1 - I think this contains a grammatical error with your simile. When you say "like elmo", I believe it latches on to the action of tickling, and therefore the noun connected to that verb (ie: the person doing the tickling, the "I"). For example, had you said "I want to beat you, like an angry parent" that would be correct, but if you said "I want to beat you, like an abused child" it wouldn't work because it implies that the person doing the beating is the abused child. You can see a clearer example of a parallel structure where you could use elmo in the simile if you said "i want to tickle you, like a child tickling elmo", but right now it reads off as saying the speaker is elmo, which doesn't appear to be what you're trying to say.

l3 - is the "the" really necessary here?

l8 - nice wordplay

l11 & l13 - not sure how I feel about the repetition of "ever" and "every" here. Feels a little like overkill.

l15-16 - this wordplay is a bit hackneyed

l19-20 interesting enjambment/line break going on here. not entirely sure it works though. The more natural break would be "where yellow parts intercede / swallow thought like water"

Also, "swallow / yellow", nice internal rhyme.

l23 - i question the necessity of "that", I think it can be removed without loss of meaning.

l24-25 - again not sure about all these "every"s, it feels like the repetition downplays it rather than emphasizes it here, for me. Not really fond of the spacing here either.

27-29 - nice.

Overall not a bad work, but can use some tightening, I think.
 — Inuki

sweat (it out) dude!

|15-18 is an attraction. 4th stanza and onwards are real captivating.
 — unknown

I"m gettin wet just reading this!  You GO, boy!  This is fuckin' TIGHT!!!  xo
 — starr

beautiful poem
i love the line breaks and the format (i hardly ever get to say that),
thought the whole poem was soft, that of the yellows once strewn.
6-9 is my favourite move.
 — Estella

I don't dig 1-2. (i've always hated elmo, he has ADD)
But the rest is divine.
:)
 — mandolyn

urine for rain?
 — unknown

stop rating yourself deformed pussy
 — unknown

Syrupy, and so many obvious tricks.
 — unknown

delete that footnote. please. i beg you. it's slimey and it wiggles.
 — mandolyn

NO. it makes me smile.

Hi Inuki,  

I like your crit. and will get around to reshaping this when it seems more appropriate...except to say that i probably will leave lines 1 and 2 as they are- grammatical error aside. Its intuitive.
 — DeformedLion

If you're in uncomfortable position and have got no cash to go out from that point, you will have to take the home loans. Just because it will aid you definitely. I get small business loan every single year and feel myself fine because of this.
 — unknown

how ever did i miss this one.  it's so old, maybe older than me. :'(
 — jenakajoffer

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