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Early Morning Reflections

I long to brush away
sun sutured red hair,
to trace dots
on unsheathed shoulders,
to kiss a bare blade,
and hear a soft sigh
or breathless intake of air.
As morning comes I would awake
still dreaming, a carnival
blur like early morning
reflections across the lake;
I crave to finger beneath,
to move aside a tangled mess
and reveal eyes that stare back,
unimpeded and full of sleep.
I yearn to move closer, palm
cradling cheek, nose to nose,
to breathe in breath
and finally feel the heat—
to rest in the moment of a dream.

7 Oct 10

Rated 9 (9.3) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (1): 8, 10, 10

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Very peaceful.  Her dream, your dream, a combined dream?
 — Isabelle5

Thanks - my dream I guess, possibly hers, possibly both?  I couldn't even tell you.  By now it seems like an event that could only occur in a parallel universe.
 — midnight51

sun sutured red hair ...

love it :)

I read your wishful thinking in this, which is no bad thing, you take it to places that do it justice.
 — jharrison

hi midnight - very atmospheric - line 18 might need a rethink and a possible typo on line 10 (blurr).  Line 16 -17 enjambment wasn't quite there - does palm/hand need to hang on the end of the line? - but, dang, it was something I'd like to wake up of a mrning next to. A good read. Cheerz. Mitch
 — pdemitchell

thanks for the comments jharrison and mitch--wow only one r in "blur" huh, could've fooled me, nice catch lol.
 — midnight51

lovely.  lines 8-11 are well written, but tend to break up the intimacy.  i would vote for dropping them.  also "yearn" -- seems archaic here.  the last line -- seems to neat.  maybe end with an indelible image instead?  thanks for sharing!
 — okalready

It's very contrived. You need to think outside yourself.  You need to BE outside yourself while writing something like this.  You want us to experience it?  You have to show us how, you can't just tell us how it happened.  Think of the sights, sounds, emotions, feelings, anything that can force words to elude something that is happening and make the reader feel "in the moment".  This piece does not make me feel "in the moment"; rather it just tells me the story of "your" moment, which is uninteresting to me in its current form.
 — unknown

Nice cut'n paste job unk. How do you do it, exactly? Will you tell us?
 — unknown