poetry critical

online poetry workshop



sunset & moonbeams
lalita

Shoreline greets ocean
 1
gaze drifts towards horizon
 2
sun settles to sleep
 3
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
                   Conducted moonbeams
 4
                   playing on waves crescendos
 5
                   fluid e-motions
 6

9 Oct 10

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 10

(define the words in this poem)
(30 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

shoreline greets ocean's edge
gaze drifts toward horizon
sun settles to sleep





full moon ascends bright
playing on waves crescendos
alone above the waters
 — unknown

Do like the change in line 1, I prefer sticking to 5/7/5 Really like your line 4 shift, not as crazy re: your change on line 6. Thanks ;)
 — lalita

hi, lalita.

these make a good pair and contrast, although
there's something unsettling about ||3 & 4. i
think you can find alternatives to those images.

; )
 — fractalcore

Hi Fractalcore ~ thanks for your input. I'm going to work on those lines some more. ;)
 — lalita

Line 6 has to go - but I like the rest.
 — unknown

I changed the moon one. The original being:
The full moon ascends
playing on waves crescendos
moonlight sonata
 — lalita

hi, lalita.

||4-6 read a lot better now.
|3 is still icky yet negligible due
to the sonics.

thanks.
; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks fractalcore. I do plan to toy around with line 3 as well. ;)
 — lalita

changed line 3 ;)
 — lalita

hi, lalita.

sorry, i didn't see the changes as of late,
but the first 5-7-5 is fine as it is.

; )
 — fractalcore

Recent Best (expand)
    0.304s