poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Critique was Blind in Both Eyes

America please recreate the critique.
They jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge, a
lost battalion of platonic conversationalists,
jumping down the stoops off fire escapes,
off windowsills, off the Empire State, out of the moon,
yacketayakking, screaming, vomiting. Whispering
facts and memories and anecdotes and eyeball kicks
and the shocks of Chinese hospitals and jails and wars.
Whole intellects disgorges in total recall for seven days, suffering Eastern sweats and Tangerian bone
grindings and Migraines of China.

15 Oct 10

Rated 10 (8.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (17): 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 7, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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intriguing poem.  not sure I can totally wrap my head 'round it but enjoyed reading.  maybe omit 'China' from line 8 and put a space after the comma in line 9?  otherwise, nice write.
 — JKWeb

and, what do you have to offer these critics in return? some alphabet letters arranged into rants? that would work, because your rants are better as art than your stories.
 — bmikebauer

Thanks JKWeb for your handy notes I made some small changes Chinese hospitals was meant to be it's absurd, maybe even the piece... but it is in the reader to see that... thanks for your careful reading... Goeszon
 — goeszon

like the slight edits.
 — JKWeb

    Chinese Hospitals seemed to fit this collage of reckless thoughts with purpose
You're seeming pretty plucky this Sat.... thanks again
 — goeszon

"and, what do you have to offer these critics in return?"

Why should we offer them anything in return? There is no rule which demands a payback to the critic for their critiques.

This is not a sale and exchange site.

This need to have your ego satisfied is lamer.
 — jharrison

pretty cohesive for a collage, nice work.
 — manuka

it's a writers workshop, not an english as a second language study-group. it matters what he says, not what he's trying to sound like.
 — bmikebauer

one thing very real about mike is that he's a writer and becoming a poet, and to use writing as a way to respond to us, as this piece does, is very mature. he can take care of himself and maybe you can have him help you cross the street, harrison.
 — bmikebauer

i went to the chinese state circus today. it was brilliant, pictures on my blog if you like pretty colours.

lines 9 and 10 and a few others are quite interesting.

the title is the weakest part of the poem however.
 — raskolniikov

    Manuka... thank you for your read, no doubt a collage thanks-Goeszon
 — goeszon

"one thing very real about mike is that he's a writer and becoming a poet"

I disagree, as there's no evidence to support this.
 — jharrison

I was talking about you, Mike Bauer, not goeszon Mike  :)
 — jharrison

"he can take care of himself"

As this is the case, he certainly doesn't need you. :)
 — jharrison

Great! The title is perfect!
 — unknown

Wow!  This kicks u right in da grillpiece (the face.)  I can hear this voice in a poetry slam or some live venue in an auditorium for some place that's offering a city/statewide competition.  It's that kind of voice.  It's hyper vocal, urgent, desperate and very, very strong.  The title's curious to me too, but it's unique to this piece and effective.  I dig it.  L's 9&10 really bring it.  The accented prepositions in L's 2, 4 & 5
are jarring (and this is a good thing btw.)  :-)
 — starr

    Thank you guys for your comments  I am glad it came out okay-Goeszon
 — goeszon

    Thanks *****'s good to hear from you cousin, how is jake your mule? Goeszon
 — goeszon

"it's a writers workshop,"

So what? We still do not 'owe' the critic anything. The importance of the critic is only what we, the authors, assign them. Nothing more.
 — jharrison

this echoes your poetic hero, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, in how he can make the ridiculous into the miraculous with his imagery -- finding that place where you can 'Constantly Risk Absurdity' with these words you write, so wonderfully ...
 — AlchemiA

AL, thanks for painting such a neat review, When I choose words for this it was late at night.... I will work on more but it will never be the same as this last one was... Thanks for your comment and rating...Goeszon
 — goeszon

Mike, I like this alot, it really kicks you in the.  I also like the way you have left this open to interpretation by the reader.  Nice work.
 — PaulS

Paul thanks for your thoughts, I guess your getting ready up there in New England, this piece I wrote was a little nuts but I guess it woke up some senses... Goeszon
 — goeszon

 — unknown

In the snow flakes, with the wind thats flowing?
 — goeszon

I am guessing you still smell the sweat from the eastern part and do you still suffer from migraine? powerful writing as you are a master of! Thanks
 — Hulda

    Hulda you are just what we needed here and a interesting person thank you for your comments you are up and up and have nerves of steel taking on all your work here... this poem was all made up it is called Beat for the beatniks look it up on your search engine have a good weekend and days of too-Goeszon
 — goeszon

totally disjointed,but curiously drawing your minds eye all through till the end
 — gblade

Very good,  I like your ability to mention China, somehow Chinese hospitals has a ring of terror, hospitals for anti Communists ?
 — unknown

What do I have to offer?
 — goeszon

A great start, but far from finished in my opinion.  I love the voice and the subject.  I want to be further indulged; let me see the dying art of noble critique, let me suffer the Golden Era syndrome, let me enjoy the spurn and be educated.
Right now it's just a comic book representation with a lot of WHAM! and BANG!, but none of the heavily bound graphic novel substance this subject deserves.
I suggest anthropomorphizing the American critique as a singular, suicidally depressed individual.  That would be more engaging, and the looming shadow of China falling across his face, too, will feel less like you just threw it in there to impress your conspiratorial debate club friends.
 — aurelius

No Drama Club here... I couldn't stop smiling... Thanks for the thinking done on your crit or ?   anyway it does smell like rant... I know it's a bunch of words...   Thanks
 — goeszon