|Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, an Albatross Beneath My Cheek
I break at right angles
to your parallel slumber.
Never one to look around corners
you wake in today as I rise,
two feet in tomorrow,
three back in yesterday.
I am smarter
but you, a better heart,
if three's the charm
(or life sentence)
reflecting which side
of the flame you're on.
I whored a moment
for new meaning.
it was just semantics.
17 Oct 10
Rated 10 (7.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (13): 1, 1, 3, 4, 6, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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Wow, I had no idea this was yours. I figured it would be 'unknown'
-- Lovely write Sybarite.
7-15, just gorgeous writing.
oh my goodness it's sex and geometry! syb, you surprise me, although i find myself a bit blipped by some of this, it is intriguing and makes me want to understand it more.
i would think to change 'into' to just 'in' L6.
do you need 'though' L9? or should you remove the comma?
just a few things here that stumble me.
i like the title and your tone is pretty cool :)
7-15 are absolutely brilliant, my ten.
title brilliant as well
complete sense of geometry AND theology!
Thank you everyone, for the feedback.
Ghost-appreciate the fave.
Estella, thanks for the suggestions.
hi Sybarite! The first two succinct lines I could totally kill for! 7-15 moved nicely - maybe adding a 'once' or a once/twice/thrice sybillant alliteration thread could gild the lily but then 16-19 was a great closer as well. Cheerz. mitch :-)
really strong opening lines. lines 1 to 5 are really good. you getter weaker around line 7 to 15 and this is probably the part of the poem that needs the most work. however, you end it on a strong note. lines 1 to 5 are really good.
not really keen on the title though.
Thanks Mitch, the once/twice/thrice idea did cross my mind, I'll ponder.
Rask, thank you and yes, the title, I agree, not the best moment, this too, I shall ponder.
Reflecting which side of the flame u are on is a thought motivated by bauers which side of the bell.
Same unk who commented on Below the Surface?
As I have no idea what you're referencing in relation to Mike, I have to say no, that's not the motivation. The motivation for this write and the flame reference in particular stems from a monster I made and now regret.
Is there a reference to the three strike felony law here? If so I'm not quite grasping it. Is prostitution a felony?
The reference to prostitution and three strike laws isn't literal, it's metaphorical.
Thanks frac :)
I thought you were going to change your title, pretty lady.
will you give me a 4th chance?
Can we meet?
I am smitten.
Title changed, thanks for the reminder Unk1.
Unk2, thanks for being smitten (I love that word).
Brilliant! Love the ending :)
Thank you squared, myownmonster (great nick)
i don't understand why i havent faved this. maybe because there's something going on. but i really like this
Thank you kind-unk.
NiceLy redacted in a transparent way -- today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday and it's ok, eh ...
nice to see this back
Thank you alch, mandolyn, hank.
the meaning is not very well conveyed to me.
could you add some notes to your poem ?
Hi Greenmantle, thanks for the read.
It's about a relationship, the first stanza is reference to what little we had in common, the second about the third time we got back together trying to make it work, and the third, my realization that getting back together was a mistake.
Like this a lot, had to get the dictionary out for myopic and semantics, but i'm now wiser for it, (makes more sense of the poem also).
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