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They Say They Said
justagirlx3

Twine stings as it presses into a hide that's
 1
not so hidden now
 2
string slices the secret skin
 3
while fear secretes sulfer smelling sweat
 4
 
 
Penned in between are lines that burn
 5
slanderous words of condemnent
 6
These ropes that kill hold tight to flesh
 7
 
 
They break bones
 8
like bread
 9
"Amen"
 10

18 Oct 10

Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2):
Inactive (0): 6, 10

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Comments:

I think if you just had the last strophe go something like this>

They break my bones
like bread
then say "Amen"

It would read better. Nice poem.
 — mandolyn

This reads too personal.  There is no room for the reader to enter into the atmosphere to which you are wanting to create.  You would do better by removing the 'my's.  For example:

"Twine stings as it presses into a hide that's
not so hidden now
string slices at secret skin
as fear secretes sulfer smelling sweat"

is condement a word?  When I hear it I think of mustard and ketchup.  Do you mean condemnation?

"Penned in between [are] lines that burn"

Best,
jdb
 — midnight51

thanks to both of you i appreciete it and agree. Midnight51, i'm actually not sure if condemnent is a word it just fit. It does sound like condiment though if you say it a certain way. I hadn't thought of it while i was writing.
~joy
 — justagirlx3

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