poetry critical

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Pour & Mourn

Made of water
we sip and sigh.
We pour in more,
drip and dry.
And keep on drying
to bend a vowel,
to coin a phrase
(on a paper towel?)
It runs us through
our halfpint stout.
We drink it in
to breathe it out.

4 Feb 02

Rated 8 (7.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 8, 9
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(181 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)

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neat beginning but the last 2 lines are so blah that... yeah, blah.
 — jade

The stop after line 5 is really abrupt, it catches me off guard. I agree that the last two lines aren't as good as the rest.
 — unknown

Is that supposed to be trying? Or does it tie in with paper towel? and, it seems (if I remember correctly) you edited this quite a lot... it's better, I think, to post a completely new version (deleting the old one would be up to you); the one voter who already rated your poem is missing his chance to rerate it. Of course, if I ever get my planned reread rating done, this point will be moot.
 — rafter

it is supposed to be as is: drying.
(obviously, you get the "trying" automatically out of it.)
i did change i a lot, and then commented explaining so. but the comment didnt show.
next time i will post a new version.
 — unknown

You wrote this when you were drunk. No shame in that. All the greatest poets were drunks.
 — unknown

I think it's awesome. nice job
 — thegrinch

Yeah, I like this poem too.
 — Moose

good rhythm.
 — done

Dude u got some weird poetry
 — NO

this also deserves more recognition.
 — unknown

 — classy_ha

 — ElegantWaste

ack! the rhythm! the rhyme! that gorgeous question in parenthesis (can't fucking spell) in line 8!!
 — cuishanying

hey, this is still fresh!  I -like- the finish, too; it makes me think of alcholic conversation:  we drink in alcolic spirits, which lighten our speach  on the "exhale"; while speaking by the beneficience of early stage intoxication.
 — frankensteen

I don't even drink and I like it. Not sure if the previous comments about the last coupel of lines were made before you edited it, but I rather liked them myself.
 — Solstice

pourin' morn
pour in moron
moron porn

quite good; could be a side room to 'here we go.'
 — noodleman

 — unknown

Are you a Mackeson man or is it Guinness?In out rythmn very effective

Larry dark water lark
 — larrylark

oo! what is "House of Leaves" by Mark Danielewski about? You think my poem was good? Almost made me creeped out...hehe
btw...I really like this poem!!! VERY original!
 — beautynbeast

WOW.  Stellar.  10
 — themolly

Nice favorite.
 — Hear

i think this is fresh, lovely, and well thought out.
 — ileviyou

 — sodapop

I love it.
 — unknown

L11 / L12....
 — chuckles

this poem is the oldest poem on this site. are you proud??
 — unknown

really?  everyone before me deleted theirs?
 — gnormal

I like this! A poem after my own heart.
 — NeighborDi

funny and cute
 — unknown

hey, I like this.  holy oldie,
i read porn and mourn at first,
woops, sorrie!
 — jenakajoffer

yo g,
nice random.
is that a common mistake
(cleverly planned)?
 — jenakajoffer

love this.
 — hank

interesting ...cute little ryhme
 — psychofemale