poetry critical

online poetry workshop



off-set head-split
cubbzor

stellar-wave fusion of music
 1
in off-set head-split beats cringe
 2
up my seat as my pupils swim back
 3
in signs of defeat. the pressures
 4
building in, bifocals fog with the pass
 5
of stale wind skipping through the youth
 6
disordered and disarrayed by the
 7
lightning strikes that crumble
 8
roofs!
 9
 
 
shackles and cuffs, keep me sane.
 10
you pain others, while i appreciate
 11
your chains keep me grounded
 12
and planted in my own private plane
 13
predestined to test the mere borders
 14
of thought but never getting past the
 15
confinements of my brain
 16
 
 
off-set head-split splat
 17
smack brain, compact,
 18
sidewalk-step hunter's trap
 19
bitch-smacked on smokers
 20
patch ripped-stitch and switched
 21
lick, decode message:
 22
is it cryptic?
 23

27 Oct 10

Rated 9 (9.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (1): 10

(define the words in this poem)
(64 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)


Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

you are letting your freak flag fly ~
 — mandolyn

cool poem.  great rythym with the exception of line 12.  maybe omit 'that' from the mix and add a period?  nicelyrenderedotherwise.
 — JKWeb

I deleted that "that", thank you for the help!
 — cubbzor

Hi Cubbzor - I preferred the third stanza as I love quirky spliffy disjointed images, tempo and alliteration - even though it seemed out of step, structure and style with the first two. Not sure what 'cringe up my seat' means though. Not bad.  cheers - mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

Thanks Mitch! I wrote this at two separate times, which may explain that shift in the last stanza
 — cubbzor
Top Rated (expand)
Newest (expand)
Recently Commented (expand)
Recent Best (expand)
design & code copyright donald tetto. all poems copyright their original authors.
0.68s