poetry critical

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i was a fool for letting you walk me home
mandolyn

stay out of me
 1
 
 
i'd hate to rot
 2
in this place of beauty
 3
 
 
your sun slapped skin
 4
pretends to know
 5
     my own
 6
 
 
my door is replaced
 7
with barbed wire
 8
(i don't want to touch you)
 9
 
 
let go of the rip
 10
   in my good jeans
 11
i want them to stay that way
 12
 
 
stay out of me
 13
   i dread it
 14
when you enter-
 15

19 Nov 10

Rated 8 (8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 5
Inactive (10): 2, 2, 4, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(219 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Was the Captain in you?
 — unknown

stay out
 — unknown

OK, but is he?
 — Haxxen

what do you think of this poem?
 — unknown

too many obvious 'poet moves'.
line 9 is the only real line here. except change do not to dont.
 — antipoetry

I like it.  I can find nothing wrong.  I wish I knew the story behind it.  It makes me want to know more, but if I did, it would no longer be poetry.
 — Haxxen

this is almost good as poetry. your voice is direct and consistent, and the words pretty much all seem like what you'd say in this exact way. it's maybe a line too fat though, like you over-tried and looked at the audience in line 11 -- too much information.
 — bmikebauer

free writer-- i agree. i changed it to don't.
haxxen, you would like this. :-P
michael bauer, i was going for mediocre. i hope i accomplished that.
 — unknown

Yes, I would.  And you would do well to capitalize my handle.  :)
 — Haxxen

no, mediocre is writing about 'bob', this is working up for us the mind and heart of a 14 year old, and that's the root-kernel of expression. it all changes when people try to write 'poetry', but if the energy and talent are there, they might grow up to be billy collins and ride around in a stretch honda.
 — bmikebauer

so, are you saying this sounds like a 14 yr old wrote this who will grow up to be billy collins and drive a honda that has expired licsense plates? because if that is the case, all i need to do is change L12.

-C-
 — unknown

^^^ what in the hell Mike?
 — Haxxen

Hey unk, turn line 12 into a 10 syllable word... he'll like that.  :S
 — Haxxen

like perpendicularily? (wait, that's only 7) i think. and i also think i just made up a new word.
i don't even know if i spelled it right either.

:-D

-C-
 — unknown

i'm saying this has the energy of a fourteen year old.

i'm saying that real fourteen year olds can't write this way for very long, because they start writing poetry and want to be a glamorous poet.

i'm saying that this is a little too self-consciously primitive at line 11, because if it was all that important to the narrator of this, 'jeans' would be just as disappointing as everything else in her fucked life. 'best jeans' means she's got a life to wear them in, and wouldn't be writing this kind of poetry except in her role as 'spoiled kid who didn't get a new car for her birthday'.
 — bmikebauer

cool poem.  not sure about 'sun slapped' in line 4. maybe 'sun rich skin'? or something to that effect?  dig it otherwise.

p.s.  oh, and maybe omit 'good' from line 11?
 — JKWeb

'sun slapped' is what a poet would say. describing the act and meaning in prose is what a reporter would write for AARP magazine.
 — bmikebauer

^^ Contadiction mike.  See 1st line of your previous post, then compare i to the 1st line of the last.  ???????.  
 — Haxxen

run that by me again, hex. do it with words.
 — bmikebauer

the whole thing is self conscious and trying too hard. the author stated facetiously that mediocre is what they were aiming for - but that is damn hard to pull off. just quit trying so hard, lose the 'poet moves' and say the poem.

the idea is good here, 'get away from me!' but the author is all fucked up by you art snobs and pseudo poets to have any real voice left to cut through the bull and says what it needs to say.
 — antipoetry

lol.  wow.  ok, this place is getting way too serious for a friday night.  Time to get out to the up and down.
 — Haxxen

i dont care what people think of this poem.
it is not one i am changing.
it was real life (when i wrote it)
when it's real life, i leave it.
i don't believe it is arty, and that is why i like it.
i am a c- poet. i'll always be a c-. it's my lot in life.
let's celebrate. :-D

-C-
 — unknown

i think it feels real, and i think it should stay as it is. the next poem is always better. but, i'm closer to you in feeling than these mugs are, and i know that writing a poem is the most painful thing in the world for me to do, getting back and down into that emotional space. and, i only do it when i'm forced to. that's why i mostly post lite-verse flavored poetry with fruit toppings. it's in writing, and it's fun and sort of like writing poetry, but not cancerous.
 — bmikebauer

This poem brings back bad memories.
Maybe I should delete it. Or keep it, so it reminds me of what a fool I once was.

-C-
 — unknown

what does C stand for mandolyn? lines 2 and 3 arent so bad.
 — unknown

I'm a C-
Not a Mandolyn.

Does C- really spell Mandolyn?
I thought I was done learnt right n all.
 — unknown

Good, good stuff. Might consider getting rid of L 7 & 8. Seems a departure from the poem as if you suddenly meandered away for a moment into another poem. I like. Thank you
 — poetanon

i wrote this when i was 18
what about moving 7-8 down, before L13?
the barbed wire is key in this, so i will haggle with you :D
 — mandolyn

Sounds like a baptismal hymn.  Are you born again?
 — percocet

Would you mind if your children called me daddy?
 — percocet

sorry, Mandolyn.  But I wonder about you.  
 — percocet

Wonder if she's going to church on Sunday?^
Or wonder as in you wonder what it feels like to be in one ofher poems?
I'll tell you right now there are hot spots. But it's usually soothing
around the third stanza.
The ending is where you call a cab because you're left immobilized.

I think she wrote this one about a guy name Ken, circa 1998. A rock climber.
Never trust a rock climber who only eats bagels and drinks green tea.
Anything else you'd like to know about her, let me know. I'll be here all day,
tuning my guitar and watching The Godfather for the fiftiethfuck time.
 — unknown

^ LOLOL
this is by far my least favourite of yours.
 — unknown

The heart doesn't care about rhyme, the mind does.
 — percocet

The majority of your poetry is a conflict of heart and mind.
 — percocet

The only thing left at the end is an ego.
 — percocet

Sorry if I was mean.
 — percocet

It's me too
 — percocet

wow, you guys had a little shin dig on here recently i see.

percocet, you crack me up. and there is truth to what you are saying.
this poem is crap and why i still have it up, who knows. i guess because i don't care.

unknown who knows this is about a guy named ken (ha!) yeah, that was chatty,
also true. i was driving around a bend yesterday and the street had big letters that said YIELD and i said "nope" and i accelerated. :P
 — mandolyn

I believe that this is a re post as well.  
 — percocet

HA! I think of that yield guy everyday I go to work!
 — sylvia

Have you noticed that speaking in rhyme doesn't lead to a consensus.
 — percocet

Speaking from the heart doesn't lead to being loved
 — percocet

I think it's emotive and carries a cool message. Whatever. I love it. It's just PC anyway not something actually important or anything like that.
 — sylvia

Can you see the beautiful, brilliant, line that life loves
 — percocet

You make me feel like I'm writing shit poetry, because when I think about it, mines a lot like a 14 year old girl. It makes me not even like the word
 — sylvia

Can you see how I anger you?
 — percocet

Lol! Who does that! Who takes advice from somebody named Percocet xD
 — sylvia

Of course you don't anger me. But it kind of makes me feel like giving up on actually trying to even buy a typewriter or anything. Sigh
 — sylvia

Mandee, I think it's brilliant so there. That penultimate stanza, come on.
 — sylvia

I was talking to Mandolyn
 — percocet

Sylvia, you're so vain.
 — percocet

Can you see how life loves you?
 — percocet

You're a liar!
 — sylvia

Fucking trickery. And I was going to say that anyway.
 — sylvia

i think tuesdays should be TOT, time out tuesdays.
you know, like they do on FB and other lame social media joints. every day is a day for something. i think it's stupid- so on tuesdays, we should all go sit in the corner.
 — mandolyn

this poem a re-post?
the title was changed a few months back
but the poem has always had milk mustache
 — mandolyn

*a milk mustache, oh fer the luva...
 — mandolyn

Luva Bella, I have no fare for a Tuesday.  
 — percocet

Do people realize that love is a competition between words and spaces.,-* ?  
 — percocet

just to be clear, I don't love you Mandolyn.  You are an intelligent women, whom, I love having conversation with.
 — percocet

i do not love your side effects, percocet.

but i like the x in your name and i wish there were two. :)
 — mandolyn

Xx
 — unknown

What is the difference between poetry and action?
 — percocet

*raises hand
 — mandolyn

An a-hole stands above you, and
The purpose of an a-hole is to you have raise a hand into it.
 — percocet

Not me though, I am not the A-hole.
 — percocet

hold on while i lie about lol'ing and kind of breathe through my nose in a chuckly way
 — mandolyn

I'll hold on.
 — percocet

I'm not completely sure; so, I wonder if comments about truisms, or histories, are capable of adding to life.  Why must we be without fault?
 — percocet

^i'm without a vault. i'd like to put my faults in there.
 — mandolyn

I was a fool for letting you walk me home.
 — percocet

you are a beautiful lady.    
 — percocet

poetry is poetry so long as it comes from a place other than spilled coffee and teenage woes. doesn't matter who writes it or what the message is trying to (or successfully) conveys. as for the poem itself, it's brief, doesn't say much, especially considering the subject material is something that seems like something you don't want to talk about in the first place - in that aspect it conveys the message very well. my favorite is L1 which leads into L2 in a way that sort of jars the reader (i.e. me in this instance), seeing more than a single line break between the two, intentional or not, it's a genius move that sets the reader up for the rest of the poem; the dash at the end of L15 makes it seem like you're repeating yourself over and over. poor guy.

either way. C minus my arse. this is a 11 / 10 for me.
 — ARedLetter

^ i'm still trying to figure out who you are.
thanks for looking at this OLDie, redletter.
and thanks for arse'ing that C-

i wrote this in 1996.
 — mandolyn

oooh I remember this! u were ON lady.
 — NicMichaels

SO good.
 — 11restless

^ you think? i wrote this in 1998. it's definitely a different feel/read. thanks.
 — mandolyn

I think this one is strong stuff!
 — TheGrey

there is a man in jail reciting this poem after he drops the soap.
 — percocet

nice poem

:)

D E F
 — unknown

oh my gosh this poem is so stupid
 — mandolyn

most great poems are written by middle aged men, and they dont feel [too] strongly.  i guess that the lesson learned is, dont watch abc 20/ 20
 — percocet

Oh, but how we love when they get inside.... Love-hate relationship!
 — aforbing

she has been using the barb wire and jeans word for years...what they are metaphors to is anybodys guess....you would have to ask her....other than that the metaphor falls flat...if you even want to call it that....yup a 14 yr old with a cranky attitude
 — unknown

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