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of gander & gaze
mandolyn

if you
 1
were the moon
 2
i'd push
 3
the sun down
 4
and watch you
 5
through trees
 6

22 Nov 10

Rated 10 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (17): 1, 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

watch? thats the best you can come up with?

Uranus
 — unknown

be nice now.
this poem is an antique.
'watch' is all that is needed.

~selah~
 — unknown

would you rather i said 'punch you through trees' ??
 — unknown

careful care full eugene gots his axe out
meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
 — unknown

the original was one word longer.
 — unknown

hmm.. I added "the" after through and before trees and wouldn't you know it sounds better to me. Awesome
 — unknown

Jupiter's my ruling planet.  I'm a Sagitarrius, so I can appreciate this little piece.  I, myself, feel that you should put "the" back into L6, or use "treetops;" then you wouldn't need the definite article, "the."  Also, in L3, I'd use "pull" instead of "push" because you're down HERE, aren't u?  Some food 4 thought.  :-)  
 — starr

starr, that person above was not the author. i am the author and 'the' was never in L6.
i personally don't like adding 'the'
i feel it messes up the rhythm.

thanks for commenting though, i truly appreciate it.
 — unknown

the completes the rhythm
 — unknown

i disagree.
 — unknown

i'll add 'the'
just for you.
for a while anyway, to see how it sits with me.
ok?
 — unknown

I know, thats why it doesnt work
 — unknown

if you
were the moon
I'd push down
the sun
and watch
through treetops
 — unknown

i like this version.
treetops? nah.

the original version went like this:

if you
were the moon
i would make
the sun
go down
and watch you
through trees-
 — unknown

I like your poem.  Simple and effective.  
 — sybarite

thanks sybarite.
it's old.
 — unknown

Jupiter actually looks pretty cool through my 8" dob telescope, fantastic really.
 — unknown

^ cool.
 — mandolyn

Love it.
 — shallee

i still have this up?

i think the 'cripes' belongs to me.
 — mandolyn

Just simple perfection.  Goes so well with something I jsut wrote, 12 Items Or Less.   :-)
 — logitech

^nice lil plug :P
 — unknown

i wrote this a very long time ago. i guess it still breathes...
thanks.
 — mandolyn

wow
 — Odin

it's so teeny.
 — mandolyn

excellent poem, simple and unique
 — gjenkins

some say jupiter is a bearded man who hides in the back country
 — unknown

If I was the moon
I would push you down
and tell you
to fight like a man

=)
 — unknown

wow, haven't seen this one in a while
thanks bauer
 — mandolyn

^^ i actually like that :)
 — mandolyn

woody harrelson will get you for this mandolyn
 — unknown

woody harrelson can stick it
 — mandolyn

if you
were the moon
i'd make
the sun go down
on you
and watch
from the trees

o.O
 — professir

^ doth do profess ;)
 — mandolyn

lovely!! ooh
 — unknown

this was one of the first poems i ever wrote. i was 14 at the time.
 — mandolyn

Most people have the good sense destroy or hide their early poems. Why post this one?
 — unknown

this was one of the first poems i posted on here, look at the date, dude.
someone bumped it. that is why you are seeing it now.

anyways, this is one of the few ones i am happy with.
 — mandolyn

too short
 — unknown

you have written 'few ones' - it's not proper English.
 — unknown

Europa! The poem is somewhat Io'pa.  The poem is heavily connotative, and simply sensual ( reaching the base senses with a hint towards spacial intellect.) I think that this poem is primarily sexual.  Very dirty, you can do better.  Write about more than metaphorical physical presence - pervert.  There must be more to you.  
 — percocet

Juniper.
 — percocet

let's go, percocet

so, you want this poem to be perverted? you perv.
 — mandolyn

, prurient juniper.
 — percocet

quite getting in the way - you two.
 — percocet

hahahaha! that's hilarious
 — jenakajoffer

this poems sexual connotation totally applies to mandolyn and unknown.
 — percocet

hold on pervocet... just a sec. i need to look up prurient
 — mandolyn

ok, i just looked it up. i assure you at age 14, i didn't know what that word meant either, so therefore this was probably written in a non bone jumping way. but if you want to see bones jump, i can direct you to many other poems on this site.

it's so old now- just like your bones.
 — mandolyn

I'd jump her bone. Her elbow,  mostly.
 — unknown

I don't believe you.
 — percocet

I don't believe me either.
 — unknown

The poem is the subject of discussion.
 — percocet

what do you want to discuss?
 — mandolyn

you should say "the subject" then i should say "the poem?" and then you should say "the poem is the subject for discussion" and then i will start all over with "what do you want to discuss?"
c'mon, it'll be fun.
 — mandolyn

How about, What is the literal meaning of your poem in plain English?  Let's discuss that.
 — percocet

lame title. excellent write.
 — DeformedLion

if 'he' (a boy i knew) were the moon i would push the sun down to watch him, because he isn't very lovely and the moon is very lovely and i love to watch the moon through trees- pines specifically. should i change trees to pines?
so it's like a "well, it's too bad you are a jack donkey because if you were the moon i'd be all over you"

^ should i make that last line the poem?
i'm being totally serious right now, so don't mess with me.
 — mandolyn

lion, you weren't here when i was making a joke of this title so you don't to get call it lame. :-P
it's not the real title.
 — mandolyn

also, the title was inspired from a song by tori amos. but the title doesn't really work does it. people think i am speaking about a planet being the moon and i'm not. i'm talking about a stupid boy, like always. :)
 — mandolyn

What pushes a suns rays to watch its love?
 — percocet

Get rid of what you like and try to write with only celestial beings in mind.  Watching Jupiter through the trees is like watching a shitty breeze.  Grow past the earth and beyond the galaxy into the stars and make jupiter a tree in the wilderness of the Universe.
 — percocet

lol, you like to comment on this particular poem i noticed. and it's not about watching jupiter, silly. did you read anything i said? i think it's time i thought of a new title.
 — mandolyn

"Jupiter," is a Jovial planet.  "Earth," is a Terrestrial planet.  Don't change the name.  Realize the difference between the two.  And Realize what you are pushing and pulling.
 — percocet

also, if i were to only write with celestial beings in mind i would have E.T. poetry and i was never really fond of that flick. i prefer 'falling skies' -- so are you telling me to write like you or just that the rule in poetry is to write with celestial beings in mind?
 — mandolyn

raph of zad, you poor billy goat you.
that was awesome.
i liked the part when catherines voice was raspy and she licked his bloody cheek and he got mad. :)

a little wine is good for the heart.
 — mandolyn

Great poem.  I liked the part about the apple controversy.  Also some douchebag wrote a way-too-long comment but that's okay he is related to my uncle's grandmother's son's father's grandma.
 — Pimpledthumb

your thumb has terrible acne. puss filled fingers write the best stuff.
 — mandolyn

write again, write more, write.
 — percocet

i have talked to percocet- i guess his pictures on FB could be fake, but i doubt it. he loves his family. he isn't bauer. he served in the war.
give him a break.

i think he's rather funny.
 — mandolyn

FB proves everything, doesnt it?
 — unknown

^ listen to the words that i typed. read them over carefully before jumping to respond.
thank you, and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
 — mandolyn

^ fuck off mandolyn, you stupid cunt.
 — unknown

Sometimes shorties pack the biggest punch while allowing the reader to fill in some nuances for themselves. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
 — Aish

thanks, aish.
 — mandolyn

Yep, it's minimal perfection with the right kind of twist to make it just that little bit above special.

It's dreamy and says all it needs to say. Lovely work.
 — jenn

Can't believe this lovely little thing managed to slip past me all this time!

I'm glad I got to read it! :)
 — jenn

ha! thanks, jenn.
it feels like forever ago when i wrote it.
 — mandolyn

The more I read this, Mandee, the more I wonder what would happen if you were to set it to Haiku.  v

If you were the moon
I watch you dance through the trees
Sun pushing you down.

(or SUMPTHIN' like that.)  

Still beautiful, but if you were to play around with form, u may be surprised at what you can do with it where it's so simple and poignant.  :-)
 — starr

L2 "I'D" watch you... :-)
 — starr

oh starr, you are such a sweet HEART... but i done played with this so much it left me.
thanks for thinking of haiku though! i used to write haiku all the time, in fact, i still do on facebook A LOT in comments, hehe. sometimes me and the canadians have haiku wars.
 — mandolyn

Don't u DARE give up on this!  Seriously...keep playin' with it and eventually, you'll get the result you never thought you would have gotten 4 yrs. ago.  Just keep at it and show Jupiter who da BOSS is!  I see Haiku happening here.  Have a good w/e, buddy!  xo
 — starr

If you were the moon
I would watch you through the trees
Sun dancing you down.

Work it OUT, sista!  :-)
 — starr

starr, i meant to say i am actually happy with it as is, but i didn't want to come across like some stuck up poet. i hope that makes sense. thanks though, for telling me to work with it. i am sure i could continue twisting it around or adding on, rearranging it to be haiku, but i think it's had enough. i read it now and feel better about it.
 — mandolyn

my type of poem
 — Sivvy

thanks, sivvy
 — mandolyn

Fantastic, very spare and simple, not one word wasted.
 — DarkLass

I like the passive nature of the word choice and actions in the poem. I would have expected something aggressive with the idea of the poem in mind, so it's a rather neat touch that you put on there. I also like how the poem sounds out loud. It's a little jarring, but it seemingly works.
 — ssensory

after reading all the comments and having quite a good laugh
I must say this one:

If I was the moon
I would push you down
and tell you
to fight like a man

=)

was indeed the best. LOL
 — unknown

this one is really nice....why can't you write like this all the time????/
 — unknown

History of generic pills for cheap cialis ÿFFFFFFC3ÿFFFFFFBCberdosiert cheaest professional world wide no .  
 — unknown

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