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To Damn Young to Drink
gblade

Four walls to see me
 1
and four walls to hear.
 2
When I am walking the floors
 3
there closing.
 4
I am eighteen and
 5
my life is on the line.
 6
When I am tossing in bed
 7
my pillow is wet.
 8
It's in my dreams,
 9
moving pictures in technicolor,
 10
almost every night...
 11
Dust rises off everything
 12
instantly.
 13
The quickness and the flash
 14
of the orange and red
 15
they blend, the colors of death.
 16
And then jet black,
 17
the smell and the ringing
 18
in my ears.
 19
I am to young too drink.
 20
 
 
But old enough to die.
 21

1 Dec 10

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Comments:

too damn careless too
 — unknown

i think the age should be raised to twenty-five, if it makes for this kind of writing without clothes on. our bars should not be nudist bars.
 — bmikebauer

  This piece was supposed to make folks wonder how it is that a young man of 18 or up 20 can't have a beer... but  they are warriors in a true sense  I think that a Marine with ID should be able to buy a beer... at eighteen ... I don't care what the others do...
 — gblade

we're too old not to know, so this is going to be critiqued as though you were showing it to joe blow parents and wanting them to have a heart attack and die of shame.

line four: they're closing

line twenty: too young

maybe, because you're working this so hard, breaking lines 20 and 21 a step down, so they're isolated. and, maybe not using the question mark, since that's kind of an obvious move and maybe you want to slam the reader with the truth of it and leave it. the question mark is almost too cute.
 — bmikebauer

not too good at spellin
 — unknown

don't really matter to me. but, the authorities are into it.
 — bmikebauer

Thanks Mike for your even handed mature critique
 — gblade

please fix the spelling error in the title. "too"

also, just so you're aware of it, military personnel who are stationed in Germany, which is like 50 army bases and three air force bases, the majority of which deploy to kosovo, afghanistan, and iraq, are allowed to drink at 18. they can even buy liquor on the base, american liquor, from the AAFES-run stores.  i was stationed there from ages 18-22 and it was like turning 21 didnt mean anything, cuz i had been buying beer at the gas station and going to bars and clubs for three years by then.

and the last two lines are real flat.  sounds like an aesop's fable: first a pretty story, then a line at the bottom that says "and this is my point, even though you should've understood it from the first part. the title makes this worse too.
 — RKDmirajx

Too damned young, not to.
There or they're in line 4?
What are you tossing in bed that makes your pillow wet??  Be clear there!
What is in your dreams?  Again, be clear.

Is this about war?  I can see a young soldier lonely and scared.  You might want to put "The war is in my dreams," instead of just It's in my dreams.

I'm sorry, if I ran the world, I'd ban war.
 — Isabelle5

People who leave 7's should just not leave anything at all etc oh yeah I have a 36 son who has duel citizen in  the father land and since he is there and has a mansion I go with him to the state booze sellers and choose of the case nearly stack to the ceiling with milk crates each  row has a different brewer and octane good sleeping beer.... thanks I have been trying to find some here who was perfect...
 — gblade

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