poetry critical

online poetry workshop



my noise
unknown

it throbs
 1
not saying i love you
 2
       when i love you.
 3
to think no more of
 4
our brush --
 5
in awful silence.
 6
rather,
 7
i’d voice monotones
 8
than write poetry
 9
of cynical hints
 10
-- a stab, sharp and lucid
 11
 
 
i wave this white flag.
 12

6 Dec 10

Rated 9.5 (7.7) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (10): 1, 3, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

This would be a cool cool poem if i could understand a word of it

Larrym dumfounded Lark
 — larrylark

dear larry,
your comment is no lark. is 2nd stanza too off?
thanks.
 — unknown

it's fine and very readable. the formatting is a little crushed, with 7's 'rather' almost needing a linebreak to start the new stanza.

the words are falling down the page, like they were ticking against edges and tumbling. that's a very live writing style. each line has a natural feeling of completeness. you're saying that you'd voice out monotones, blurts and almost inarticulate sounds, rather than take that smug ironic way of cutting off from what's real to you. the lines and words, then, have that feeling of almost receding away from the poem; the meaning forms as you intended it to form.

i think it's the complexity of the second stanza which keeps this from being a private memo. you're writing the poem for the reader as the reader reads it. that's poetic.

i think the punctuation is fine, using the line-break as a rhetorical pause and go -- the way the word 'than' is used as a link-pin which can't be mis-read.

nice writing... almost awkward, but that's part of its appeal.
 — bmikebauer

Well rendered.  I like your word choices and the form.  Lots of show, little tell, fine writing.  Not so sure about L12--I'd rather like it to end on 11.
 — sybarite

Hmmm--I thought this might be Mandolyn's work....
 — sybarite

P.S.  Excellent title.
 — sybarite

i read this as having two stanzas, by the way, with the second starting at line 7, with the last line as closure for the stanza, for the author, not detached from the rest of the poem. i think the isolating line-break is so well known in modern poetry that it's literate to use it here.
 — bmikebauer

I like the form as it is, but it would work breaking it to a second stanza at L7.  Still think it would be better without L12 though.
 — sybarite

why? it's not a motto to hang on the wall... the final brings the writing reality back to the fore. that's why it's modern writing and not just 19th century envoi.

the poem is the white flag. she's showing the poem, and twisting the anti-ironic posture she's created back into exactly her own wound. it's like a mobius-strip poem.
 — bmikebauer

I get it.  I think the "white flag" is already implied in the preceding lines.
 — sybarite

yes, but it could have gone any way, don't you think? like, it's not really, unless you take the existential point that any yielding to some bastard is to demean yourself. and, i don't -- having written so much myself about a certain cretin. it's the writing itself which is the new battle flag. it's red, yes, not virgin pure, but all that was lost when he said to me that i did things normal people don't do. and, it's just like that here: like, when a guy says, 'i don't want to be tied down, it's not normal!'... ? isn't that what it's like, and isn't that why we're force, in order to say anything more at all? -- that we have to start a civil war in poetry?
 — bmikebauer

i tried breaking at |7 however it displaces 2nd stanza which i would like to retain for some personal sake..yes, last line sound too yielding but it's a psychology needing highlight in this write.

bmikebauer, i appreciate pointing out awkwardness yet still finding some appeal to this..sybarite, thanks for noticing and suggesting.

i've started to write this way awkwardly and been liking it that way. the kind of approach is just too comfy. it plays my fancy.
 — unknown

i like the "awkwardness". it isolates the thoughts and adds greater emphasis. a cool poem.

:)
 — unknown

so! it's not red! :)
 — unknown

i really really like this. a lot.
-M
 — unknown

umm, 'awkwardness'. i've started doing that too. it's a kind of post-modern thing, where you draw from more than the poetry tradition you grew up with. like, mostly, i think it's that i make a poem into a cinema and use that kind of scene changing to energize the reader.

for writing, i think this kind of consciousness just needs to be matched with a playfulness and willingness to seem silly sometimes and exotic others, and at core seem deadly serious about making the words exactly the words you want on the page.
 — bmikebauer

ahhhh! thanks -M for liking..it feels so good to write when it pours just like it's raining cats & dogs you wouldnt realize you have nailed bullseye. just like when i would let bmikebauer know i'm new to writing. well, i've written way back but not much. i'm still fine tuning to language and tone. i experiment but oftentimes i end up w/ my stubborn and incessant writing style. perhaps,it's what makes me shallow but happy.    
 — unknown

it's like each poem or story gives you the power and the technique to be more honest in the next piece. sometimes, it's like trying to grow wings, and doesn't work. but, other times, isn't it like just falling off a cliff and never landing?
 — bmikebauer

yeah yeah, bmike. honesty prevails in writing. it equates revelation be it according to style, technique or feel. a subject coupled with emotion would perfect maybe not for a first attempt but with spontaneity.

i thank another unk in appreciation of 'awkwardness' w/c i know would either make or break this particular write.

..hmm, not red flag? the idea was actually taken from it. i needed to be playful w/ my circumstance while writing this :)
 — unknown

what it actually reveals is the author's wording IQ. that's all a poetry reveals. that's why different people, of different reading IQ's, like different poets.

there's no truth in a poem except the author's writing the poem. that's what we do here in p.c., how it works in a poetry workshop.

the beautiful and visionary component still exists, but it's only taken seriously on show-case sites and at teen-christian-challenge sharings and AA meetings. we may write for those sites and places, but we tune and re-do the poem in the workshop. here, we get to see how non-believers and clowns and saints read or poem... not just how our homies read.
 — bmikebauer

"it throbs  
not saying i love you  
       when i love you."

well, it does!
 — unknown

I need to e-mail you, but a mail box error deleted your address. Please mail me your address.
 — unknown

some kind of wondeful - i go crazy
 — unknown

sooo gneiss.
; )
 — fractalcore

i like the way noise in title and white in the final line have a conversation that is white noise, itself, a form of slience and an objection to silence at the same time. (nicmichaels)
 — unknown

i sensed an irregular heartbeat in 8 & 9.
(nicmichaels)
 — unknown

i didn't write the heartbeat comment; someone's clowning around in my name. i'll sign in in the future to avoid this issue. at least it wasn't ugly.
 — NicMichaels

... 12 shots and still standing :)
 — unknown

seeing white doesn't work, maybe try a jolly roger
 — unknown

cool poem.  not sure if you're through tinkering with this but maybe replace 'throbs' with 'aches' or 'hurts' L1 and replace 'put up' with 'raise' L12?  otherwise, nice lil' write.
 — JKWeb

is this ruined, mr. jkweb?  

earliest form of merry-go-round to date
 — unknown

after waking up this morning
i crawled into this poem,
went back to sleep
 — mandolyn

yes, i suppose this poem would make a good metaphor for a duvet
 — unknown

fine little piece that really expresses your pain....the final line of ultimately just giving up is very strong
 — OCTOGENARIAN

amazing peice..... i can almot feel your pain though it
 — luvgirl

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