poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Moon’s Pause
CervusWright

Immerse my beautiful body
 1
in a warm bath of organic honey
 2
psycillocibin infiltrated
 3
aging womb penetrated
 4
by memory.
 5
Deep,
 6
delicious desire
 7
fallopian fire
 8
ovum separated
 9
nipples
 10
like a baby’s thumb…
 11
 
 
I am not so dumb
 12
the time has passed
 13
for suckling
 14
for the quickening
 15
for the age of ‘mum’.
 16
Too late!
 17
and yet my body yearns
 18
burns
 19
for you to come along
 20
with me.
 21
Too late
 22
to re-create what has already gone
 23
twice
 24
and still I contract and thrum
 25
through such a fantasy
 26
the duality of our genealogy
 27
a triune of us, nine into three
 28
a biological, and intellectual pull
 29
towards being a parent once more
 30
because I would be so cool
 31
at this age
 32
and we are safe together.
 33
 
 
Our child would be happy,
 34
once upon a time…
 35
However,
 36
we missed our forever
 37
the three of us,
 38
too late!
 39
When I connected with my equally flawed mate,
 40
but we ‘see’,
 41
don’t you see?
 42
The truth that emanates from you and me
 43
Our child could have been marinated in all that flawed, owned, and loving humanity.
 44
Our honesty,
 45
our humility,
 46
we don’t know shit
 47
but you know you, and I know me.
 48
One time
 49
one lifetime
 50
who knows? Maybe,
 51
but this fantasy…
 52
despite our insecurity
 53
our issues
 54
our flaws
 55
our clawing toward intimacy
 56
the fact that I’m approaching menopause…
 57
 
 
You would have been a beautiful daddy.
 58

6 Dec 10

Rated 10 (7.4) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (9): 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(32 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Hey, thanks for the read and the rating... Much appreciated.
 — CervusWright

oh wow, um...this is incredible.  how could you possibly write something that i could relate to so deeply.  this moved me to tears.

wonderful and truly honest poem, thank you for sharing it.
=-)
 — Estella

absolutely and totally the most beautifully written work i have had the pleasure to read in a long time.
 — unknown

Wow.  I'm stumped.  Thank you both.  It's so cool when readers relate, when I reveal mySelf in this way.

Just...really...thanks.
 — CervusWright

It's dreamy-sweet. IF you can somehow shorten it a bit, even better.
I love it like I'd love to love your persona if I were much younger.

rw
 — unknown

Reid, thank you. Unfortunately for me, my particular brand of 'poetry' comes from some place within, which I am not familiar with...yet :) I do take on board all suggestions, but the writings cathartic quality, on a re-read/review, just keeps setting me free. Maybe sometime down the track?  For real, my friend, it's like therapy. Thanks for the read, Reid (spooky). :D
 — CervusWright

your command of the metrics of this poem as well as its overall sonics is a distinct failure only rivaled by your worthless message

or

this poem sucks
 — unknown

furthermore. if i were you. and if i cared about poetry. i would leave this place and solicit some more professional attention. this place has destroyed whatever small poetic talents you had at one time.
 — unknown

Touching and honest piece.  The sentiment is beautifully controlled.  I'm the least weepy woman I know and this brought a tear to my eye.  Eloquent and poignant.  The final line is heart wrenching.

To the "furthermore" unk.  Wow, was all that really necessary?
 — sybarite

good stuff.
 — unknown

Thanks for the feedback, sybarite. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks to both Unks too :) To the 'furthermore' Unk, loving your caustic, nasty and personally abusive comment. I was beginning to worry there for a sec. That it/I pissed you off so monsterously has now taken this piece into the realms of 'Art'. Wooooot! Ta :D
 — CervusWright

psilocybin is god's gift to the soul of mankind. I mean that is all sincerity. I liked this.
 — unknown

your life is a pathetic one if you are so quick to flatter yourself.

your delusions are evident in the execution of this poem. you are too busy worrying about art and not the words you have in front of you.
 — unknown

'...One eighth of a symbiotic relationship to the psylocibin mushroom...' McKenna  

And you, my angry little Unk, are too busy worrying about Who I Am. Metrics? Art, as opposed to 'words in front of...'? With deepest sincerity - bollocks - take a deep breath and smile. I am :)
 — CervusWright

seriously. i know you from a time ago.

and you should be ashamed of yourself. this poem sucks really bad. and it's embarrassing to see it get any praise. which says a lot about the poetic knowledge of the audience here. you can keep writing this shit. it's not going to make any difference to me. and i'm not angry.

sometimes people just need to know. that they have no talent. just in case they start believing all the retards out there that think they do. grow up. you 40 something aussie pothead. you think you've found something marvelous. but you've barely even scratched the surface.
 — unknown

well titled and opened.

i don't fully appreciate the execution in all this, but it has its moments.

i have been writing about the same subject, similar circumstances. thank you for posting.

poetics are one thing: communicating is another, and not a bad thing, whatever the differences may be aesthetically.
 — NicMichaels

Thanks for your feedback, NicMichaels, I appreciate it.  May I just add that the comment from the unknown above, gave me one of the mightiest belly laughs I've had in a while. Dude, I've shown all my mates. '40 something Aussie pot head'...fucking classic :D
 — CervusWright

V
 — unknown

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cai123 06.13
 — unknown

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