poetry critical

online poetry workshop

virgin in quarters

tea time and you sit
in a wreath
with an album of flowers
flushing white in your sugar bowl
backbones braided too tight
cambridge changes with every man
one fist cracks demure virgin moons
the other stems the flow
virgins lewd for paled erotica
moving over petals on the wings of freight bees
knees up backs twisted faces bared white for everybody’s spit
buried to the neck and groin
cues given with chalk in eyes
cambridge changes with every thrust
tea and sympathy served
lowbrow lips cherries O dahlia

13 Dec 10

Rated 9 (7.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (12): 3, 3, 3, 4, 6, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


oh, edwardian.

what's the word-space that the final 'with' in line 4 exists? line 5 doesn't need it, and it turns 'with' into an action of 'withing'. it can't be both read as prose and felt as poetry.
 — bmikebauer

that's quite an important subtle distinction... i've changed it! thank you so much.
 — amarel

this be some fine poetry.  maybe omit the first 'lewd' in line 9?  tripped just a bit there but otherthanthat, nice.
 — JKWeb

Lovely unique write.  L5 is excellence--I had that, "Damn, wish I'd written that!" reaction.

L9, yes, one lewd too many.  I like the "L" sounds in the line though, so maybe, lewd virgins lured for paled erotica?--or lured to pale erotica?  I babble.

I like your poem.
 — sybarite

Syb has it 'lured' is cool as for backbones try osteopaths to get the kinks out - good read
 — unknown

yeah the lewd was too much... i just got rid of it.
osteopaths seems pretentious though, but thanks for all your help and compliments you guys
 — amarel

as in p t geach's metaphysical? wonderful flow and double entender ...
 — noxalio

re-title? "virgin quarters".

you may thank me. my name beeith slot machine genie.
 — unknown

@ noxalio, a reference to private virginities, and the idea of virginity loss as a cambridge change. i'm pleased someone commented on that!
 — amarel

This was so cleverly written, and brilliant, the poem stumped me after reading it through. Four times. Four times I was aware of how little I know when it comes to fine writing. Just, wow.  
 — CervusWright

tight write, well-opened.

s1 is my favorite, for the line breaks and the diction.

good decision breaking 14 on its own.

try lured instead of lewd in 9.

bees takes me out of the poem, even though it's fresh paired with freight.
 — NicMichaels

what happens if you strike all of l10? I don't see where it adds much, and L11 is strong
 — NicMichaels

somehow i feel like the poem would be too concentrated without l10; it serves as a breather

thanks for all your crits!
 — amarel

i've come back to read this a couple of times.

i think my favorite moment is the way erotica and O dahlia have a conversation, in sound and in tension between their contexts.

i do like the authority in the write as well, and the careful diction.

the use of fragments works well with the subject matter, giving the read a cut up quality.

i'm not sure i see the whole poem, though.
 — NicMichaels

Ooh look what the spam coughed up.

This is a wonderfully crafted poem. Your imagery it taut.

I loved this one.
 — marieclaire

A classic design michael kors outlet.Spacious and elegant, in supple lightweight patent leather with an elaborately inlaid logo design,this michael kors handbags outlet  tote is the bag you will always find yourself reach for. Michael Kors handbags are newest style & excellent quality.Welcome to our online sales shop, where you can always buy the most affordable price to a your favorite michael kors outlet online
 — yeti531