poetry critical

online poetry workshop



virgin in quarters
unknown

tea time and you sit
 1
in a wreath
 2
with an album of flowers
 3
flushing white in your sugar bowl
 4
backbones braided too tight
 5
 
 
cambridge changes with every man
 6
one fist cracks demure virgin moons
 7
the other stems the flow
 8
virgins lewd for paled erotica
 9
moving over petals on the wings of freight bees
 10
knees up backs twisted faces bared white for everybody’s spit
 11
buried to the neck and groin
 12
cues given with chalk in eyes
 13
 
 
cambridge changes with every thrust
 14
 
 
tea and sympathy served
 15
lowbrow lips cherries O dahlia
 16

13 Dec 10

Rated 9 (7.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 9
Inactive (12): 3, 3, 3, 4, 6, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

oh, edwardian.

what's the word-space that the final 'with' in line 4 exists? line 5 doesn't need it, and it turns 'with' into an action of 'withing'. it can't be both read as prose and felt as poetry.
 — bmikebauer

that's quite an important subtle distinction... i've changed it! thank you so much.
 — amarel

this be some fine poetry.  maybe omit the first 'lewd' in line 9?  tripped just a bit there but otherthanthat, nice.
 — JKWeb

Lovely unique write.  L5 is excellence--I had that, "Damn, wish I'd written that!" reaction.

L9, yes, one lewd too many.  I like the "L" sounds in the line though, so maybe, lewd virgins lured for paled erotica?--or lured to pale erotica?  I babble.

I like your poem.
 — sybarite

Syb has it 'lured' is cool as for backbones try osteopaths to get the kinks out - good read
 — unknown

yeah the lewd was too much... i just got rid of it.
osteopaths seems pretentious though, but thanks for all your help and compliments you guys
 — amarel

as in p t geach's metaphysical? wonderful flow and double entender ...
bravo.
 — noxalio

re-title? "virgin quarters".

you may thank me. my name beeith slot machine genie.
 — unknown

@ noxalio, a reference to private virginities, and the idea of virginity loss as a cambridge change. i'm pleased someone commented on that!
 — amarel

This was so cleverly written, and brilliant, the poem stumped me after reading it through. Four times. Four times I was aware of how little I know when it comes to fine writing. Just, wow.  
 — CervusWright

tight write, well-opened.

s1 is my favorite, for the line breaks and the diction.

good decision breaking 14 on its own.

try lured instead of lewd in 9.

bees takes me out of the poem, even though it's fresh paired with freight.
 — NicMichaels

what happens if you strike all of l10? I don't see where it adds much, and L11 is strong
 — NicMichaels

somehow i feel like the poem would be too concentrated without l10; it serves as a breather

thanks for all your crits!
 — amarel

i've come back to read this a couple of times.

i think my favorite moment is the way erotica and O dahlia have a conversation, in sound and in tension between their contexts.

i do like the authority in the write as well, and the careful diction.

the use of fragments works well with the subject matter, giving the read a cut up quality.

i'm not sure i see the whole poem, though.
 — NicMichaels

Ooh look what the spam coughed up.

This is a wonderfully crafted poem. Your imagery it taut.

I loved this one.
 — marieclaire

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