poetry critical

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To Bukowski
Luxy

I think my hands are tied
 1
down.
 2
My wrists look lovely
 3
in the sun,
 4
if I’m drunk enough to listen.
 5
Didn’t you know light
 6
talks to walls?
 7
Like heartache?
 8
Like slender waists
 9
in the hands of someone
 10
who understands
 11
only movement?
 12
I have cried for days.
 13
I have taken up a strange habit
 14
of holding indelicate glass mugs
 15
full of leftover cigarettes
 16
and cheap beer.
 17
I spend my nights brushing my hair
 18
and forgetting my favorite color.
 19
I cannot bear
 20
any type of memory
 21
involving faith.
 22

17 Dec 10

Rated 8 (8.9) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 10
Inactive (24): 1, 5, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(96 more poems by this author)

(12 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Oh, Jesus, Luxy.

You are so, still, one of my favourite poets on this site.
 — PollyReg

poor dead guy people keep on invoinking your name.
 — unknown

Holy crap, this is amazing. How do you write something so personal and captivate me with mysterious imagery that softens it all? This is great. You have my admiration, and envy (but in a totally soft way). Thanks :)
 — CervusWright

Lovely ethereal voice.  Not a single nit, this is a beautiful piece of writing.  Love 13-15 and 20-22.  
 — sybarite

I never understood random line breaks. Why break after tied and not after down?

I like the rhyme scheme kind of, but you need to learn to avoid the whole forever run on style with every line beginning with a preposition or a conjunction.

"Who understands/ only movement" random line breaks strike again.

Indelicate is an ugly word and takes power away from the flow and meaning. Why not make an actual negative word opposed to an anti-positive word?

Last line doesn't need to be broken, either, and if you do, no comma.

Also, for a closing comment I hope you know that your last four 'sentences' start with I, and I don't think that's poetic, either.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? I'm not a poet...
 — unknown

Hmmm.....  I don't know.... With a title like this, I was really expecting a lot.  Yet, this poem isn't really saying anything.  I must admit, though, that I really liked the line about brushing your hair and forgetting your favorite color.  My favorite part of the whole poem.
 — aforbing

I really like this...my favorite part is "indelicate glass mugs"..
 — brother_sun

Love it what more can I say
 — unknown

still stands beautiful but i notice last word 'faith' is kinda boring..just a bit anyway..no other complaints really.
 — unknown

disarmingly personal.
 — suedehead

like the last 3 lines best.

good work here but still a little fuzzy on what it all means....

enjoyable read nonetheless
 — mould_jesus

this is dope. i love how the seemingly abstract imagery somehow conspires to convey a cohesive and relevant message.

awesome.
 — nemissk8

I hear you
 — Bukowski

I saw Bukowski and had to read this one. this is a gorgeous poem. the spacing in the first five lines is wonderful, drops and all. L6-12 really spoke to me, I felt that rush I feel when my heart is moved by words or ideals. the imagery is evocative, and its short but sweet. very nice.
 — ShelbyS

spam much?

good to see you're still rated well. this is a good one.

and it's cool to see that shelby still drops in from time to time.
 — mould_jesus

Bukowski sprinkled just right, topped with just enough of your own style makes for a wonderful weld of words.
 — Io

loved it :)
 — Hesher

... it's nice, but, well, you'd authentically know if you'd grow a Bukowski-pair and dare to become whom you loathe you'd be, if it were not for he ...
 — unknown

....beautiful
 — amaranthe

great stuff

thanks

CC
 — unknown

Ace poem, reminds me of classic bukowski but not in a derivative way, it has a breath of freshness to it. Look forward to reading more.
 — stan

damn.... lots of comments being suspended these days. just noticed a new favorite section of this poem...

'slender waists in the hands of someone who understands only movement'

beautiful the order in which you've placed those words.

this gets better every time i read it. good fucking job, jenna.
 — mould_jesus

^jenna?
 — unknown

thanks man
 — Luxy

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 — Empty

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