poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Lucky
jenakajoffer

it's called indian's brew out on the coast.
 1
we'd hitch with murph to duncan
 2
and poor paulie would wet himself after a good day
 3
of drinking– sometimes I'd wake up warm
 4
with a stream of urine down my legs.
 5
 
 
junior and me chased shrooms
 6
in the back of murph's van.
 7
I'd sit in his lap with a flat of cans
 8
staring into the dark spaces in his smile;
 9
his hands snuck down my bubblegum jeans.
 10
 
 
I slept in a tepee at girl-guide camp,
 11
cold floor flooding while we lapped lucky suds
 12
with the boys from the reserve,
 13
undies hung from the flagpole–
 14
I wasn't fifteen sucking foam off them short-rounds.
 15

23 Dec 10

Rated 9.7 (8.9) by 5 users.
Active (5): 8, 9, 10
Inactive (28): 1, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(89 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

good stuff
 — unknown

excellent imagery and a beautiful, constant tone ... masterful ... hints of whimsy, longing, nostalgia and yet something else is also present there ... nice work.
 — unknown

this be some nice writing.
 — JKWeb

:) 10
 — ghost

:) 10
 — unknown

this
is
good
 — antipoetry

quite masterful
 — unknown

like the freestyle feel and deftly used words.
 — unknown

Not digging this...

I don't like your use of words and it feels very... gruff.

It's not bad it's just not good, either.
 — unknown

this is really great
 — unknown

your back!

yay, what up J-dizzle?

(nice one by the way)
 — DeformedLion

Slutty
 — unknown

^Slutty? Go home moron.
 — unknown

  What exactly is great about this.  
 — unknown

Hmmm..this sounds suspiciously like Vancouver Island?
 — sybarite

Lucky beer--yuck! Jen--were any of these guys musicians?  I'm wondering if we have some acquaintances in common here on the coast...?
 — sybarite

my jest!
sly nun
x
 — sir_I_clan

This is about as cinematic as it can get. Not one word or image misplaced or over used.
 — PaleHorse

Sharp and clear writing, a little confessiony, a little nostalgic.  I really like line 8, it's very creative.  Line 14 sums it all up nicely, a good head of foam on a beer poem.  (Upside down, of course!)
 — Isabelle5

Jen!  SO delightfully happy to see you back here writing!  You have been missed!
 — Isabelle5

This makes me feel like a badass.  I love how it so gently evokes that "teen spirit" and recalls rebellion and freedom with the utmost fragility.  Makes me remember smokin' Marlboro Reds out on the r.r. tracks when I was 16; THAT KIND of "free."  
 — starr

It AIN'T!!!!  :-O  Welcome back, boogirl!  Happy New Year!  God, you are GOOD!!!  xo
 — starr

Hi, Jen:  Just wondering (after a revisit) if in the beginning of L1 if you can identify for the reader WHAT is called "indian's brew" out on the coast.  That's it.  Otherwise, love it!  There's sumpthin' here in the mix for you and it's sumpthin' that I'm not accustomed to but really like.  Yo muse is gettin' LOOSE!  Hehe.  xo
 — starr

What a darling memory put to poetry... Nice job!
 — aforbing

thanks to everyone for reading my poem,
Starr, "lucky" is a sort of beer, popular amongst the poor out in BC.
Sybarite, you guessed right, used to live in Sooke and Colwood, worked in Victoria...
used to hitch to Nanaimo all the time, when I was younger my brother would play hockey there.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Thanks for the education, Jen.  I don't drink beer, so I don't know.  Taste like SHIT to ME, but good 2 know.  This poem is REALLY tight!  Love it!  Loveu2!  xo
 — starr

Oh yeah!!!  Sling Blade meets Happy Days... I'm glad to see you back in the mix too, Jen!
 — jpmhawk

you are an alchemist, spinning words to platinum
 — unknown

saweet
 — unknown

gud
 — unknown

nothing short of a jersey shore episode


paulie d
 — unknown

well done
 — unknown

wow, a good poem is posted. what do you know. everyone, take some notes from this.
 — unknown

it's bubbly.
bubbalicious.
 — mandolyn

i agree with PaleHorse's comment - cinematic ... i like that there's no over sentimentality here ... it's kind of generationally special without being over emotional ... sometimes it's good to let readers see without dragging them through stuff ... wonderful writing
 — shell

It is great to have a possibility to buy custom essay papers at essaysservice.com. It is very comfortable to utilize essay papers completing services to buy essay.
 — unknown

very good. this relates, and is so well written. no more from me, take your nine.
 — mould_jesus

this would make a good intro to a chapter in boyscouts learning to cook round the campfire with chiddens book. all you would need to do is unlinebreak the lines and add some punctuation. B.Y.
 — unknown

Thanks for interesting information. I hope that you can use it in resume writing. It's a good idea.
 — Morgan45

BRAV--Fucking--O
You rock, jenaka
 — unknown

Love the politically incorrectness of this piece, nice to see words like "indian" again
 — unknown

0.373s