poetry critical

online poetry workshop



translation of bird
DeformedLion

you start to flake, your hair in twirls,
 1
and bird-nest;
 2
they have grown and chirped, left,
 3
there is something like gunmetal
 4
dripping from your eyes.  
 5
 
 
you're a child, once- outside
 6
and then brought back into the lemon
 7
folds that makes us wince,
 8
wrinkles like branches,
 9
children like worms.  
 10
 
 
it be sour, and like suds
 11
we swirl and get sucked into the sink hole.
 12
your hair in twirls and twisting,
 13
wrapped into a hoarder's fist,
 14
water flows on through.
 15
 
 
the pipes have all but shaken loose
 16
of frost, and in the spring
 17
you spread honey over bread,
 18
sometimes you have picnics
 19
in a field where there were once
 20
people you use to know,
 21
they are older too-
 22
 
 
the wind
 23
shakes hands with the tree,
 24
you are watching leaves
 25
rustle, piqued, and green.
 26
those old people are dead,
 27
soon you will grow with them,
 28
so you study the grass,
 29
magnify ants trucking across
 30
soft palms, the grass tickles
 31
your thigh,
 32
your feet are bare and curl into the earth.
 33
 
 
later you see the clouds have shifted,
 34
they are northward bound, high
 35
on avenues that you cannot cross,
 36
remembering the last sunset
 37
and portals too that will never rust,
 38
or wings stretching light
 39
as they cast their blazing
 40
shadows across the lake.
 41

28 Dec 10

Rated 9.7 (8.6) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(365 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

6 you're a child, once- outside

23 through to the end are delightfully redolent lines df
 — AlchemiA

nice poem.  though methinks 'use' should be 'used' in line 21.  maybe change 'cannot' to 'can't' in line 36 for one less beat?  otherthanthat, dig it I do.
 — JKWeb

this is cool, otherthanthat, dig it I do
 — unknown

pathetic = pathos - Greek: suffering; related to penthos sorrow -- laughos and pathos is the heart of life as a human and you've a heart that is deep calling to deep; an ocean of emotions in which you'll sink or swim, yearning for the beloved then... dive deep for the pearls and you'll come back up with their gleam in your eyes...
 — unknown

well worth reading
 — unknown

i give you a ten for *portals
 — mandolyn

gorgeously rendered.

tough and lyrical write.

good for you.
 — NicMichaels

the whole thing is wonderful,
especially lines 11-15.

thanks for posting
 — sisotowbel

and made me think of Dart by Alice Oswald -

come falleth in my push-you where it hurts
and let me rough you under, be a laugh
and breathe me please in whole inhale

come warmeth, I can outcanoevre you
into the smallest small where it moils up
and masses under the sloosh gates, put your head,

it looks a good one, full of kiss
and known to those you love, come roll it on my stones,
come tongue-in-skull, come drinketh, come sleepeth
 — sisotowbel

^ I agree with previous poster. This is one of my favourites of yours dl.

You have a very distinct and unique voice. Aim high, you're publishable. (I am being sincere)
 — PollyReg

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yaoxuemei20180712
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