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A Pocket Full of Wry
sybarite

sing a song of sanctuary
 1
be a dervish whirling
 2
run with your furies unhinged
 3
hurling kindled words
 4
at white spaces
 5
 
 
fleeced of flesh and etiquette
 6
the acuity of isolation
 7
splits bone, reveals
 8
your monster
 9
your muse
 10
your paladin
 11

1 Jan 11

Rated 7 (8.4) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (6): 2, 7, 7, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(129 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Hermitage is a virtue, only the above-average can handle. :-)
 — majan

could do with more narrative depth but a nice display of sonics, alliteration and internal rhymes there, syb! Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

Thanks Majan.

Thanks Mitch!  Not sure what you mean by "more narrative depth"--can you elaborate?
 — sybarite

i expected to find sing a song of sexpence in here somewhere
 — unknown

line 4 is a departure from the poem space, i think,
sonics-wise, though the image is consistent. line 6
is spoken for in line 8 and drags the transition from
line 5 to 7, so maybe you could do away with it?

also, maybe 'the acuity that isolates' for line 8 for
more depth and dimension to it.

i miss reading you.
this is a decent write, overall.

thanks.

; )
 — fractalcore

oh, maybe 'kindled words hurled' for line 4?

: )
 — fractalcore

Frac, much thanks for the detailed critique and suggestions.  More thanks for the favorting.  Liking your suggestion for L4...it, and your other suggestions under advisement.  Happy Nude Year!
 — sybarite

hmmm...maybe:

kindled words
hurled at white spaces

doesn't that make a change in tense though, between 1-3 and 4-5?
 — sybarite

hmm, that could work, too, but, to my mind,
'kindled words' is so lonesome and devoid of
emotion/energy/action unlike 'kindled words
hurled' which also lends a rhyme to line 3
[and, listen to how 'words hurled' sounds];
'at white spaces' is just the natural consequence
of that line where 'hurled', a word full of energy,
does better service.

that's just me, though, and this is still your poem.
; )
 — fractalcore

Thanks again Frac--a very good point made.  All still under advisement.
 — sybarite

syb, i love the notion in this and also the tone.

i had trouble with cadence in a few spots (but that's entirely my own heartbeat i suppose). i also objected to one or two word/phrase choices (esp dervishes, a bit overused, no?) ...

this is what i came up with, i hope you don't mind. regardless, it is fun to read and think about (and tinker with)!

--

sing a song of sanctuary
of whirling hurricane
run with your furies unhinged
hurling idioms ablaze
at white spaces


alone


fleeced of flesh
and etiquette, acuity
of isolation splits bone,
reveals your monster
your muse
your paladin
 — unknown

Thanks again Frac, have removed alone.  While I like "kindled words hurled" it somehow doesn't sit right with me when I read this aloud, so for now, I shall leave it as "hurling kindled words"

Thanks for the feedback unk.  I honestly have to say I consider hurricane a more common word choice than dervish.
 — sybarite

love this sybarite...
 — mandolyn

Thanks Mandolyn.
 — sybarite

Line 6, what a great line!  Actually, the entire 2nd verse is quite entertaining and descriptive without being preachy or overdone.  

I wish you'd rhyme the whirling and hurling, that would work well in this short piece.
 — Isabelle5

Hey, Snow Lady, this is very good!
 — Isabelle5

Thank you Isabelle.  I've thought about a more direct rhyme between whirling and hurling, will continue pondering...

Not a Snow Lady these days....until this morning it's been rain and more rain...I keep checking my toes for webbing!
 — sybarite

pocketful of why
 — unknown

I wish I could see the changes and what was there before.  I can't tell, I still like it as much as I did the first time.
 — Isabelle5

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