poetry critical

online poetry workshop

"what's your fascination with birds anyway?"

and if i were to have all the revisions
if i were to have them all, as incisions upon my wake
   would you ask of me still?
would you ask of the feather and dust
as to the dead finch, the cherry blossoms
covered with rust, and what was left of the apple bounty
   rusted and hanging heavy with dew
would you, should you inquire, as to the hour
   cedar farm posts strung together with wire
   fell to the ground, in the grave spun weather
   pouring from the mouth of your god
wingtip to wingtip in measure, would you steal
steam from my wintered lips, from my tethered breast
   tree bound and in pleasure ask of me then?
to carry you beyond the constellations, beyond the somber
   branches and worn roots to these garden stems
   and with a motion, a gesture, hold you forever
beyond all boundaries of where or when?

22 Jan 11

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (8): 7, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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I admire far-reaching questions in poetry. I find this poem beautiful and precise.
 — lysandre

might you consider replacing rusted (L7) with another image inasmuch as you
use "rust" just above — l6? That's the only tweak I tentatively ask you to ponder.
The reds are breathtaking in your poem.
 — lysandre

Two nits in  the repeats of 'if I were' in L1 and L2 (start it on 'as incisons') and the reoeated 'would you' in L4 and L8 grates but the rest is absolutely gorgeous. Bravo. Mitch :-)
 — pdemitchell

I concur with pdemitchell's points and yes, this is absolutely BEAUTEOUS!  Nice job!  :-)
 — starr

very fast. nice poem.
 — hank

This flows beautifully, save one brief jarring in the read for me with the twice used 'rusted'. Still, it's a tiny thing, while the poem from start to finish, is truly lovely. Thanks.
 — CervusWright

 — unknown

Perhaps eroded in lieu of rusted L7...otherwise, lovely job indeed!
 — unknown

Though I appreciate the recommendation, the repetition of rust was purposefully made, and will most likely not meet edit.  Thank You.
 — unknown