poetry critical

online poetry workshop



A Cairo Marriage
PaleHorse

Desperation found me
 1
on the back door streets
 2
of Tijuana
 3
 
 
with Consuelo
 4
pouring warm mescal
 5
down my throat.
 6
 
 
She was screaming
 7
fuck me
 8
with your $5 foot long
 9
 
 
blowing a whistle
 10
like a referee penalizing
 11
my illegal use of the hands
 12
 
 
She shook my head hard,
 13
a bowling ball pendulum
 14
banging between her breasts -
 15
 
 
and I thought of Egypt
 16
and my wife;
 17
both one and the same
 18
 
 
ten thousand schizophrenic voices
 19
crying in the desert
 20
demanding for me to go
 21
 
 
never once realizing
 22
that their freedom only comes
 23
when they hit the streets.
 24

7 Feb 11

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
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Inactive (4): 1, 10, 10

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Comments:

Not as good as Rask's.
 — unknown

much better than yours though
 — unknown

Raskolniikov's Death Of A consort is a wonderful poem, but so is this one.
They cannot be compared. Could you transpose a touch of Mexico into your title?
Could Consuelo be Tristessa? ( a nudge to Kerouac) could fuck me
be in bold? ( comic book vivacity, veracity)

I find it amusingthe analogy with Tahrir Square and Disgruntled Wife.
I doubt that you require "their" in l 23.

Perhaps, as title: Tijuana-Cairo Intermarriage.

I really like this poem of yours, Fair Equus.
 — unknown

i'm glad you posted this. i think it's fantastic writing.
hope you are smiling today ~
 — mandolyn

ten thousand schizophrenic voices
19
crying in the desert
20
demanding for me to go

THIS sounds like Raskoltutiikovski
 — unknown

sex, drugs, and pyramids.
 — unknown

Wonderful recount
 — unknown

palehorse is definitely NOT raskulolunonov or however the heck you spell it..
 — mandolyn

and now I suppose you'll tell us that jharrison is not mandolyn ¿
 — unknown

Something I've noticed about you Mandolyn. You are always making little digs at Raskolly. Very interesting. However, I hear he doesn't dig American chicks so it's best you sniff elsewhere.
 — unknown

raskolly holds a torch for jharrison. he's waiting for her to convert.
 — unknown

i guess it comes out that way, but really i have nothing against rask, i just think his poetry sounds like others. he has a few i like. but honestly, i dont give thought to him. i forgot he was even a member here until he posted that last poem. that sounds pretty horrid of me, but i'm just being honest. why do you want me to like him so much? you should be happy i am not a chick who swoons over egypt.
 — mandolyn

posters/poseurs, kindly give this poem the respect it deserves. Rasky is not Mubarek, nor is Pale Horse the People of Egypt.
 — unknown

i am finding it interesting that there is a theme at pc each week. but we don't get together and discuss what to write about. palehorse did not write this after rasks poem. he has had this one. but because both were posted around the same time people begin thinking they are connected. i promise you they are not. this has happened to my poetry as well. i think its crazy weird and wonder if donald really does send us subliminal messages somehow....he's good. oh he's real goood.
 — mandolyn

mandolyn, little broken bird, there is a crisis raging in Egypt. Have you not heard about it? The only surprise is that it has not inspired more poems.

dim of wit twitter-twit.
 — unknown

there is a crisis raging everywhere. broken bird-- that's sweet. thanks. :)
 — mandolyn

you're the only person, surely, who has no idea what has been transpiring in Egypt.
The Superbowl, that you know.
 — unknown

mandolyn, your shameless, brazen ignorance is offensive.
 — unknown

oh, i'm sorry- i was actually thinking of ALL the places that are suffering right now. how inconsiderate of me. i'll go back to thinking of the superbowl and doritos.
 — mandolyn

posters/poseurs, kindly give this poem the respect it deserves. Rasky is not Mubarek, nor is Pale Horse the People of Egypt.

here hear, wheres your box?
 — unknown

If  you are a palehorse does that mean you are a palomino?
 — unknown

Or just old?
 — unknown

agreed ^^^
 — mandolyn

my box is between mandolyn's droopy.......ears
 — unknown

Go away ignorant Mandolyn. This is a discussion about politricks and not for your small town mind.
 — unknown

if i try my hardest to get smarter, will you try your hardest to understand what a metaphor is?
 — mandolyn

wow, quite the ruckus this caused.
 — PaleHorse

Don't think so Palehorse. The ruccus was caused by Mandolyn's droopy ears.
 — unknown

I like Mandy.

Heck, I even like you unks.
 — PaleHorse

^ i like you too. :)
 — mandolyn

I appreciate this poem, but I have difficulty reconciling the marriage of Tijuana and Cairo.
 — lysandre

schizophrenic is terribly cliche, but take out the word schizophrenic and "ten thousand voices" is even worse.  come to think of it, this entire poem is cliche.    convenient concept and flat language. thanks for telling me in a vaguely boring way that there are whores in mexico, and that people are upset for some reason in egypt that no one would be able to pick up the reference in five years. and i damn sure hope this isn't a nod to kerouac.
 — unknown

e marri  Tijuana en Cairo make eperfec esense. es natrale
 — unknown

^ didn't read line 17. Or the title...
 — unknown

OR THE BOOK OF EXODUS
 — unknown

wow, ponyboy, i am in awe! this is fantastic.

fucking favourited. :)
 — jenakajoffer

This is one coolpoem
 — larrylark

Didn't think I'd see this one come back...Ironic now, with all that's in Cario, hunh....
 — PaleHorse

"raskolly holds a torch for jharrison. he's waiting for her to convert.
— unknown"


he will be waiting an awfully long time .. eh.. :)
 — jenn

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