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Unreasonably Alive
goeszon

Unreasonably Alive
 1
 
 
The Lance Corporal held his intestines
 2
in shaky hands,
 3
saying I don't want to die!
 4
I am afraid to die! and died.
 5
 
 
Thru the years the blood flows on.
 6
Pray to God you never have to go into battle.
 7
 
 
We laughed at the old man, stumbling in
 8
frenzied terror to avoid our three ton truck.
 9
It was like that in 1967.
 10
 
 
Rifles were firing, along with bombs exploding,
 11
while a fine mist of rain fell.
 12
How costly each moment of peace.
 13
 
 
Stone shut his eyes and collapsed  the kids throat with a   bayonet,
 14
every age has its mad men.
 15
 
 
Dying is
 16
actually pleasant, it is pain less. Sweet is the
 17
pleasure of death.
 18
 
 
Colorful stuff of romance, festering corpses,
 19
many faceless men. Gruesome things
 20
a long time ago, you can't forget.
 21

10 Feb 11

Rated 9.5 (9.5) by 2 users.
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Inactive (0): 10

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Comments:

strong opening strophe, particularly the terse death monlogue.
lines 6&7, however, editoraliaze and distract from the excellent narrative.

I'd like a few more details about that terrified old man—reader's curiosity.

apostrophe missing in "kid's" (l14)
Lines 16-18 interest me a lot. I thought you might change "after" to "of" in l18.

maybe tighten your end line:

happen a long time ago which you can't forget.

Thank you for posting. It slammed me into walls of the experience. With a few tweaks, I think this could be even more compelling. The fusion of past and present
time aspect work well (for me).
 — lysandre

agree with lysandre.  this could be tightened a bit and be even more impactful.
maybe omit 'his' from line 3?
and omit 'down' line 6 and 'on the earth' line 12?
'painless' one word in 17, yes?
and add 'ed' to 'happen(ed)' line 21 and as mentioned, omit 'it'?
otherwise, heavy write from the gut.
 — JKWeb

Thanks guys for your editing help... always great to have someone with a look that is better with imagination.
 — goeszon

You are a Vietnam vet?

I think combining details like line 12 with statements like line 13 makes this interesting. Too often writers leave out details. Details are what makes your experience interesting and authentic.

To make this better include more details. We can guess at what it was, but the details of being there are what take it to another level and make it emotional. Contrasting  the mindful details of the experience with the horror of what it represents brings power to the poem.
 — rocket

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