poetry critical

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'you belong to the sea'
mandolyn

you found me, thick skinned
 1
tangled in a fishing net
 2
my hair sticking to your palm;
 3
tracing blue moons around my eyes
 4
you sigh between each breath
 5
 
 
my lips, like jelly on your tongue
 6
curious of a salt water flick-
 7
lifting my chin, rueful, you say
 8
"you belong to the sea"
 9
and toss me to the ill-tempered tide
 10

26 Feb 11

Rated 10 (7.9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 1, 1, 3, 3, 5, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(213 more poems by this author)

(6 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

I remember this one.
It is lovely.
Line 4 is a standout.
Pity it has to end on a sad note.
 — unknown

thanks. i have been working with it.
changed the format, L9 and the title.

sad notes can be semi-sweet.
 — mandolyn

author, you clearly belong to the water, your natural element, yes?
in this poem, you are a mermaid.
I think I will draw you.
 — unknown

^ give me an eye patch ;-)
 — mandolyn

a mermaid with an eye-patch?
 — unknown

hey, mermaid, swim back to me.
 — unknown

lovely poem. thanks. ed
 — unknown

nice poem.  is the title 'borrowed'?  either way, dig it much.
 — JKWeb

no, i did not steal this title. lol
you are probably thinking of the same poem, only i changed it up and re-posted after a while.

thanks web.
 — mandolyn

oh you mean because of the quotations-- they are there because of L9, the focal point of the poem (i hope)
 — mandolyn

unk, mer-pirate
 — mandolyn

this is gorgeous! so image-rich; i love Ls4 and 6.
brava :)
 — _fallenleaf

i remember this one too.

lovely rich language. i particularly like l6

:-)
 — PollyReg

Made me think of "From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea" by The Cure.

Like all of it, no suggestions.

Nicely done.
 — rocket

^ i love that song rocket. thanks.

thanks polly and fallenleaf, i appreciate the comments. :)
 — mandolyn

thick-skinned?
 — unknown

yes, thick-skinned is a slippery duality.
perfect in context.
 — unknown

yes, thick-skinned as in 'without feeling'
 — mandolyn

yes, I detect a mermaid voice. haunting and wry siren song.
 — lysandre

Liarsander you  big fat bloated liar
 — unknown

S/he's a floater...gass filled
 — unknown

I may be a liar, but I am impeccably streamlined.
and I have been known to tell the truth

this poem is salty and better than good.
 — lysandre

one of your better ones :)

lines 6 and 7 especially.
 — jharrison

I know you despise me, Ghost & V,
but why stain Mandolyn's beautiful poem?

where is the justice in that?
 — lysandre

"   "
 — Empty

Human stain?
Why stain me? Why do you blame me, where is your proof?

Mandolyn you poor girl, please forgive her.
 — V

I have long been a mermaid myself and I can tell you that we are most assuredly 'thick skinned'. This is my favorite of yours.
 — V

            ;       
I may be a liar, but I am impeccably streamlined.
            ;       ^
and I have been known to tell the truth  <----- do you?
 — unknown

delete the words:  'blue' and 'ill-tempered' and you've a got good poem.
 — unknown

I thin you should add, 'Gill- tempered' :) Ya, why not?
 — unknown

delete the words:  'blue' and 'ill-tempered' and you've a got good poem.
 — unknown

^ dang woodchucks

thanks lysandre, V and jharrison. i appreaciate your honesty, always.

thanks empty, for your whimsical language- or did i miss something?
 — mandolyn

I think this poem is really poorly written--------bad technique with imagery--------terrible rhythm and morbidly cliched.......

LINes 8-10 are inparticularly bad. It is a shame to see a piece of writing as mediocre (at best) as this, recieved the way it has been by some of these pc members I thought had a better eye for taste, than this.

Clearly Disappointing.
 — unknown

i'm sorry you feel that way. but i appreciate your honesty. i do.

you inspire me- biggest
and i hate you for that

here's a 1/4 of a smile for you :-`
 — mandolyn

LINes 8-10 are inparticularly bad. It is a shame to see a piece of writing as mediocre (at best) as this, recieved the way it has been by some of these pc members I thought had a better eye for taste, than this.

Clearly Disappointing.
— unknown

^you can't even spell, you greasy hashslinger. shove your dis-appoinment up your
rusted old arse.
 — unknown

i am not a big fan of this mermaidy-type
wishy-washy seafoam-green
overly modified seasick sort of poem-type thingy,
but that is just me!

if i should suggest anything
anything at all
i would try and edit line 5, tighten up, make past tense or something
or other??
i would also lose all the annoying commas and stuff
and break this into something more linear; each line is just too heavy i think.

thank you and good day
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

ha, mermaid. it's not about a mermaid!!
but one can envision that if they must-

i love my commas. some writes i don't, but this one i do.
i'm not a very big fan of this write either.
i do like it better now than how it was before.
there is a green seaweedy slimey'ness to it
makes you want jello. ;-)

thanks for commenting jen. as always, your feedback is appreciated.
 — mandolyn

it's probably not the commas that really get to me
it's probably not the mermaidy-ness of it
or the sea-foam green
or the sea-sickness and that damn 'rueful' ness

it's probably just that i'm so damn ____.
:(
 — jenakajoffer

^ i'm sorry jen. :(
i'd come and bake brownies with you if i lived closer
 — mandolyn

I was just looking at movies on Netflix and came across one titled "Odine"
The description made me think of this poem. Now I have to watch it.
 — unknown

^ now i just looked it up. ha! that is pretty funny. man, now i'm gonna have to watch it-- and i am not that fond of colin ferrel.
 — mandolyn

btw, it's 'Ondine'
 — mandolyn

it better not be about a stupid mermaid...
 — mandolyn

Wonderful mandy. I don't know how or why I missed this one but it is for sure one of my favs of yours and in general here on PC...
 — Known

thanks known
 — mandolyn

Oh lovely!
 — sybarite

someone voted down 'Mass' to bring this to the top?
 — unknown

thanks syb.

unk, who cares about top rated. do you give low ratings just to bump poems down? that's rather childish. just don't give a rating. this poem will be below #15 in a few days time, don't worry..then you can be happy.
 — mandolyn

you misunderstood. someone bumped down others so as to bump this to the top. now thats childish. was it you?
 — unknown

very nice. simple and powerful.... cuts through the bullshit like a blade.

love it.
 — mould_jesus

something fishy going on
 — unknown

of course it wasn't me. i don't act like that. as you can see two people have commented on this today- did it ever occur to you that they may have rated this?
 — mandolyn

thanks mould jesus.
 — mandolyn

i don't rate my own poems and i DO NOT give other poems 1's just to see another poem pass it up. i couldn't care less about top rated or recent best. that is the work of childish poets who have low self esteem.
 — mandolyn

delicate and lovely
 — unknown

^^O.o
 — unknown

^ sorry, that was in response to someone else. this place is a friggin farm.
 — mandolyn

I remember this one.
It is lovely.
Line 4 is a standout.
Pity it has to end on a sad note.
 — unknown

author, you clearly belong to the water, your natural element, yes?
in this poem, you are a mermaid.
I think I will draw you.
 — unknown

^ give me an eye patch and a 1/4 of a smile :-`
 — mandolyn

you have a crush on me, but you are straight yes?
 — unknown

someone please fist me.

smells like chin.

toss me omg
 — unknown

this is good?
 — unknown

crack-heads on my poem. must be the jelly.
 — mandolyn

indeed, nay, 'tis but one green-eyed monster.
 — unknown

friend or foe?
 — mandolyn

^life isnt that black and white
 — unknown

^^ you're right, it's a box of cereal. and a board game with plastic houses.
 — mandolyn

We were young in the video yeah? The second link didn't work though.
 — Empty

oh its so sad. :(



docteur doo little
 — unknown

Justin- yes we were. It was 1991.The second link is even better (1993), but I didn't think it would work. I will see if she can e-mail it to you. She won't youtube it though. Are you still playing guitar? Sometimes I'll have a "smiling days" song stuck in my head. Funny huh? :-)
 — mandolyn

I LOVE IT!
Right On!
This is so friggin amazing..
 — Meshugenah

^chill out peanut gallery
 — unknown

^LOL. Project much?
 — unknown

^film projectors?
 — unknown

thanks mesh shorts
 — mandolyn

L 6 jelly is not a very strong word, could you think of something more descriptive and poetical.
 — Rossant

jelly is stronger than jello
plus, pudding pops aren't popular anymore
 — mandolyn

i really like this..it is shorter but it does go hand in hand like a married couple..lol i love the word rueful and "tracing blue moons around my eyes"...
 — theshadowofs

Just one week here, I'm thinking out loud; One person's favorite poem is a disappointment to another.  I like the imagery in this poem, though I can't identify--never having lived close to the ocean for long (Southwest dessert, mostly). Someone else might think Southwest imagery is "overdone."  "Too much punctuation,"or "not enough"--is said all over this place...and you can't "win." It's best to with what you feel is right anyway...

It's disconcerting to see mean-spirited remarks made by "unknown." Why not try to see the best, use "constructive" criticism (understanding that you are only one point of view)--and use your "name?" There *are* reasons to use "unknown" that make sense: shyness, trying not to offend someone who wanted to please, the avoidance of feuds, and even giving compliments that you don't wish to be misunderstood... Hiding behind it to say "this is trash" really bothers me.
 — annakatterin

Ha! That's "desert," not "dessert!" Dang, I'm hungry!
 — annakatterin

^ oh, they have been around for ages. i never take anything they say personally. i'm used to it. :)

i don't live by the sea either! nor do i belong there. i belong in the desert or the woods or the country. i know this because my heart yearns for it and is so heavy whenever i see a picture or a movie or hear a song... hard to explain but i know it's real.
the 'you' in this poem thought i belonged to the sea so he didn't take me ashore.
i was just swimming around, looking for shore.

thanks for stopping by theshadowofs.
 — mandolyn

Girls like you -The Naked and Famous
 — unknown

Despite price the fact that this dosage form of american viagra 2800mg levitra fits for you.  
 — unknown

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 — unknown

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