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OCTOGENARIAN

Morning embraces me and we keep each other warm
 1
My eyes blink in coffee
 2
sparrows serenade the flight of their dotted wings
 3
The clouds and I gather around their song
 4
but the luster of the jewel
 5
that hovers over my head disappears
 6
and skips down
 7
overhanging green trails
 8
I walk like a tattered soldier to find it
 9

9 Mar 11

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Comments:

Oh I do like this.  I would suggest taking out all the I, me, and my's...just try it.  Except maybe, L2.

For instance: L6: that hovers over disappears...

that sounds much sweeter to me.  Just my opinion though.  Oh and add some punctuation, this needs it ;)

take care, thanks for the read!
 — Known

we keep each other warm, L1 and then no further mention of the we ?
 — unknown

thanks for the comments
 — OCTOGENARIAN

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