poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Schema
jakeutah

Put me in your clutter-free cubes
 1
Square glass, precisely cut,
 2
wiped to the point where you can see me clearly
 3
through the non-existent transparent pane
 4
 
 
Put this square-glass tank in your white, white room
 5
and tap the glass occasionally to observe
 6
any movement about my cell.
 7
Make sure the label is made out in black ink, 12 font,
 8
Time New Roman.    
 9
and smooth the air that has bubbled under the surface
 10
of the adhesive.
 11
 
 
Each time you glance at my one-word label,
 12
think that you know
 13
everything
 14
that I am.
 15

My teacher recommended taking two approaches with this poem: the scientific path that will use images that are highly sterile, emotionless, cold, and technical; or the modernist path that will employ a conglomerate of distinct turbid impressions that are rich in imagery. If you could, please suggest how I can improve this poem. In addition, I was told that my last strophe is vague, trite and lacking in detail; please give some constructive criticism that will enrich this stanza. Thanks.

9 Mar 11

Rated 10 (9.5) by 1 users.
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Comments:

L1-3 are great, especially 3, which rolls out sharp...
L4 makes no sense...
L5: put, and square glass repeated, why?  loving tank in your white, white room though.
L6:again glass...
L7:this may be incorrect, but 'bout may be smoother than about...the a is awkward to the tongue....
L8-9:where did the label come from? I see a little explanation in the last stanza but an aim towards the cause for origin of this label may widen the view...
L10-11:Sweet lines indeed!
Last stanza: Are you really trying to say they give you one glance to know all that you are? What was the point of the square glass if only to glance at the label?  Maybe these are mysteries you'd like to leave us (the reader) to fill in...

Overall: Great writing.  Most of the images I got were cold not too rich...Your lack of color has done this.  This is not a bad thing, some fantastic ideas here.  Thanks for sharing.
Take care.
 — Known

A great poem
 — rivergood

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