poetry critical

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The Emerald Cheeseburger of Oz
Empty

jed
 1
lived across the street from me
 2
a gentle giant of a man who walked with a limp
 3
I didn't really know him that well
 4
I know he liked to smoke marijuana
 5
eat cheeseburgers
 6
and drink pabst blue ribbon
 7
 
 
one of his favorite things to say was:
 8
'the yellow brick road goes straight through the opium poppies'
 9
he also liked to say:
 10
'don't that make for some interesting shit'
 11
he didn't change his clothes often
 12
his zipper was usually down
 13
most nights he slept out on his front lawn
 14
in an army green sleeping bag
 15
I mentioned to him during christmas time
 16
that he was welcome to stay with me
 17
'that is some interesting shit'
 18
was all he said
 19
 
 
the last time I saw him, I noticed a cut above his eye
 20
some kids had thrown rocks at him
 21
'that really was some interesting shit,' he said
 22
'I can't see the road anymore... all I see are poppies'
 23
then he stared at me for a long time
 24
breathing through his teeth
 25
making a soft see-saw whistle
 26
tears in his eyes
 27
'you ok jed?'
 28
'yeah, not really', he said
 29
 
 
and when he died in january
 30
I slept out on the lawn
 31
and into the new year
 32

28 Mar 11

Rated 10 (7.9) by 3 users.
Active (3): 10, 10, 10
Inactive (30): 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 2, 5, 5, 7, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(44 more poems by this author)

(9 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

ahh yes, this is i remember
thank you for re-posting, it's lovely, thanks for sharing it,
made me choke up a little (28-29)
=-)
 — jenakajoffer

sounds like you've been eating maryjane on your cheesburgers too. that's bad stuff for your brain sell dude, speshilly the pips. you could find yourself back with dickens in grate eggspectations lookin through ms haver sham's cobwebs.
 — unknown

:-)
 — unknown

Excellent.  Poignant story, nicely told
 — Isabelle5

Empty,
You float in and out of here with the current?
I think this could be made into a Lifetime movie.
 — unknown

You produce I'll direct
 — Empty

empty,
Love the first 3 stanzas of the poem, but think you could cut the 4th. leave it being about jed, let reader feel their own feelings, which will be just as yours were anyway Tom
 — TomRiordan

Ok, I will integrate yoo ;)
 — unknown

too funny: "brain sell" ^  

unk your whole comment made me laugh, that was great.
 — jenakajoffer

sounds like that homeless man with the radio voice


like it
 — unknown

This is really nice... you bring Jed to life.
i would capitalize his name and SOME of the lines where needed.
I mean, unless you are EE Cummings.
Great poem!
 — aforbing

Succinct, Poignant, Meaty.  
 — unknown

In L15, you need the article "an" to precede "army."  Otherwise, a touching little tale of those crazy cool people we can't help but love the shit out of.  I have loved and STILL love MANY.  Bravo!  Keep their mem'ries aLIVE!  R.I.P.  Jed.  xo
 — starr

p.s.  I love the narrative and the way you quote Jed too.  Neglected to say this in my comments.  Bravo!  :-)
 — starr

thanks for the catch and the read starr*
 — Empty

when you can make the readers invest in a character in a mere 32 lines, then you've penned quite a nice write.  kudos.
 — JKWeb

You have a beautiful skill at transition: to introduce this character, then take him through his trauma, and then his death. I also like the character you presented as yourself, the witness to all this. The last two stanzas are quite jolting. I'm still absorbing the conversational/direct tone this poem has, though...
 — unknown

*(@).(@)*
   .  __  .
 — unknown

"Now I know I've got a heart, because it is breaking."
- The Tin Man
 — unknown

sounds like you've been mugged by a can opener tin man?
 — unknown

Typo L9? "through the opium...'?
I'd consider taking out opium here.  Leave that to be implied.
Other than that, incredible writing. Thanks for making my morning.
 — Known

maybe you're right Known.

thanks for the visit, Tom, Jen, JKweb, Isabelle.

Jed was a tin man.
 — Empty

i really think these should become stories in a book for the rich to read. but on the rich. so the bookstore should have a section titled 'for the rich' --and only stories like these should be placed there.

jed seemed like a pretty cool guy. reminds me of my grampie.
 — mandolyn

tin men never quite leave their skin
 — unknown

ag shame, this is so so sad.
 — unknown

who are you?
 — unknown

you know, what's his name. shithead shermon.
 — unknown

beauteous  
 — unknown

:)
 — antipoetry

great stuff..really enjoyed it.thanks
 — denton

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
 — unknown

While the sentiment and writing are nice, I find this highly overrated. Nothing personal it just seems like an anecdote to tell friends over beers and cheeseburgers.
 — grneyeddevil

well i for one find this endearing, this is reminiscent of another poet here in that you write seemingly from your experiences with bold lifelike characters.

Bravo.
 — Liliana

Yuppi confession
 — unknown

I wonder,
is it better not to know someone?
 — unknown

Your profile photo-- I could be wrong but i dont tink so-- it appears to be from a classic and my fave movie of all time.  (?)
 — unknown

hey cool ^
it's that big indian dude from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

I loved that film =-)
 — jenakajoffer

yep, i think it is- my favorite part is the end of the movie   cam pans
as chief B. running in the background. LOve it.  

ever seen dream team w/ micheal keaton?
 — unknown

wow, yes..Dream Team, I almost forgot about that one, hehe...Christopher Lloyd, lol..
that was a great movie

fave from cuckoo was the big loonie party... and nurse ratched.  
god i hated her.  but she was so good.
 — jenakajoffer

Will Samson
 — unknown

Thanks. ^
 — unknown

made me a little teary dear
 — unknown

Wonderful shades of "Hard Rock returns to Prison From The Hospital For The Criminal Insane" by Etheridge Knight.

And just as poetic
 — PaleHorse

yah, you make some off the top of your head sentence out of your word game and post it here as poetry so you can be praised for being a poet. but, the only thing you did was just put words together like a book puts them together. you want to call yourself 'empty', but you want to be full of yourself after they fill you up. it's kind of not so cool.
 — unknown

why do you keep bumping up this piece of shit?
 — unknown

to make a shit out of you
 — unknown

it'll take a lot more than an empty shitty poem to do that
 — unknown

^ah the wonderful people of Poetry Critical.
 — unknown

Don't waste a second, Empty. :)
 — unknown

*
 — unknown

Zay vil gev yaou z fenger, paya zem a no cere. :)
 — unknown

^jesus, you didnt think the poem was enough? Do you always type like that?
 — Known

^You vil hast to kep yer tungah, or lev it. PTTP.
 — unknown

I'm sick of seeing any poem at the number one spot for over a month.
 — unknown

I'l have a cheetzbugar and flies pleese.
 — unknown

Empty I feeling so empty without you. Come on back now
ya here?
 — unknown

empty vessels make the moist nose
 — unknown

shut up you post nasal drip
 — unknown

Good point. I hadn't tohught about it quite that way. :)
 — unknown

this title is an eye grabber.
 — unknown

more of a gut grabber actually
 — unknown

Hey Just. I don't know how else to get a hold of you...you have no e-mail. But I thought I should tell you something crazy/funny. My mother just posted a small video clip on Facebook of you playing guitar and me and Missy singing...1991. It was in the pink bedroom with posters of Jason Priestley on the wall..I about barfed.

:-)
 — mandolyn

haha whats the link?
 — Empty

e-mail me at the address on my profile and i will give it to you. (i hope it works)
 — mandolyn

haha! she has 'she lay dead' too. remember that?
 — mandolyn

classic
 — Empty

she is sending me one of you and justice on stage playing guitar and i am singing- at VBF. i have no recollection of that whatsoever. i never sang in front of people! anyways, if that works i'll send it too.
 — mandolyn

No fair, not sharing. Let us see :)
 — unknown

good
 — antipoetry

this poem is very tight, not a lot to suggest here.

tough to keep Pabst Blue Ribbon from being a cliche for me (i.e., Blue Velvet) but if it's true what can you do?
 — VOC

I'm wanting line 23 to be split somewhere:
'I can't see the road.
all I see are poppies' (is this wording quite right? if it's an exact quote then it is I guess)
 — VOC

^ Yeah, what is it with pabst blue ribbon and cultural references? Anyway that's what he drank. Maybe line 23 is not quite right grammar-wise, but as spoken word it is. Thanks for your input and your time in reading and commenting VOC.
 — Empty

Empty, where did you go? please come back and entertain.
 — unknown

Besides I have to produce your movie, remember?
 — unknown

^Who's gonna play me?
 — Empty

hm, let me think on that one, I'll call you later ok? listen for my ring. :)
 — unknown

ya ok, you didn't answer but here's what i am chewin on.
either; _____ or _____.
actually I think you would be just right for the part, nice jaw line,
compelling eyes. curly hair, yes youwill do. What do you think?

But, = who will play jed? how about that one guy, he was on
green mile. Or the guy from the All State commerial. ya.
 — unknown

sick of seeing this on top rated
 — unknown

you and antipoetry should have a depressed baby together
 — unknown

Empty you are swell.
 — unknown

he is.

just, did you get that picture i sent?
 — mandolyn

Wow, that was really beautiful.
 — Casiobone

An absolutely brilliant and deeply moving poem
 — larrylark

A sad poem
 — ZEUS

simply amazing!
 — elDICE

Mixed bag, but can be unmixed into something wonderful.
Here:
Line 2: remove 'from me', we already know.
Line 3: remove 'of a man who' put in a comma
Line 4: remove 'really' please
Line 7: remove 'and'
Line 10: remove everything except for 'also'
Line 12: remove 'he' and 'often' or substitute 'jed' for 'he'
As a matter of fact anytime you start with he/his/him you can replace it with 'jed'
Line 16: reads funny, try: one christmas, I welcomed him to stay with me
Then remove 17 altogether
Line 24: remove 'then'
Great ending. I love this Jed fellow.
Very poignant and sweet.
 — onklcrispy

:(
 — unknown

I dont know man. kind of long but some good shit in this
 — yield

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 — unknown

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