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i was topless
in a hot tub
with a woman
who had
great tits
she hid them
under the steam
but my nipples were
not shy,
they said hello
to the moon
and began to

10 Apr 11

Rated 10 (7.9) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (8): 2, 3, 5, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10

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OH what the fuck ending! You ruined everything!

Replace L25-27 with a good ending.

Might I suggest:

My areola
was far
too sensitive
So I crossed
my arms
 — Known

bullets are nipples!!-
 — unknown

 — funes

L24   should be "too aroused"  in order that the physical act of   L25 shot her is supported
 — unknown

haha, you know i'm not serious
but sure, i'll take your suggestions  ;)
 — jenakajoffer


jen your poem's crap. what you doin' in hot-tubs with sonetting nipples anyhoo?

this site is fairy-land for absolute.

seriously, your poems okay, if it is supposed to be humour. if not, the egg thing is not working. not making sense.

you could remove the 'and' from 17 - and all of line 18 and it would make it better.


cheers for the laugh,
 — fortuitous


 — PaleHorse

It's better but I'm still not fond of the ending.  Why an image of violence?  It had been a fun and mysterious pice up til that.  Anyways well done none-the-less.
 — Known

i believe the last two lines are metaphorical and shouldn't be taken literally
 — unknown

I would suggest eliminating
"also" (l4). For the purpose of this poem, we do not require
to know that you have great tits.

lines 14-15 are my favourite! Nipples that sonnet!
How poetic and I'm aching for a final rhyming couplet.

I believe you could happily, rosily, productively end upon l 15.

 — lysandre

LOVE this!
 — aforbing

fortitude, you made me laugh, that is so funny...

hello pH, thank you for favouring, hehe

Dear K, it is not violent, as the unk stated...i could have used 'poked'
as opposed to 'shot' but you know...

lysandre, you are a fun insectivore to poem with.  i dig your comments, i originally thought of this bee in bonnet thing to go with moon and sonnet thing, but i didn't want to rhymie.

thanks forbs!
 — jenakajoffer

Jennifer, What am i going to do with you?
 — unknown

I understand jen.  I still believe this could end on L19 or L22...Just my opinion though. The metaphorical violence brings jarring images to an otherwise easygoing pome...Well done madam...
 — Known

*claps*  magnificent!  Clever and funny.  L21 should was be were?
 — sybarite

baby bullet
 — sir_I_clan

unk, i am awful aren't i.  :S

hey again K, I know what you are saying, I've been tinkering with the idea of less is more, not sure.  thanks for the garage days, revisited...:)

sybs, thank you!  i was troubled by the plural of areola, so cool, yeah..thanks.  =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Yer welcome.  I have two so I just assumed that you did too!
 — sybarite

oh yes ma'am!

and some baby bullets attached to 'em
(oh sir) xo
 — jenakajoffer

bullets or areola, that is the million dollar question...hmm
 — jenakajoffer

i was bottomless
in the hot tub
with a woman
who had
5 tits

when she hid them
a submarine
launched between
my thighs

the woman
turned red and
said i was rude
slapped me five
times when
i capsized
 — unknown

Lol subman
 — unknown

oh hell for breakfast...
 — mandolyn

come come now!! why the analogies of war (one might -- unfortunately -- think "penis envy")? ok but seriously, sonnet? and why not get more specific . .. i mean go with it more than jokingly . . . for example . . .  you could get more graphic in lines21-23: shot her in the mouth .. .  for example or even "in the back of the throat". "face" is fading away pretty quickly and one would want the final image to linger. and then you could also describe those lips (i mean apart from saying stuff like "great" ) using poetic finesse. i don know why im seeig michael moore scuba diving with a baseball cap on backwards suddenly because of your poem. how strange. must be the shrooms i just had. possbily one too many. op! and there goes michael's zoom lens . ..  just speedoe'd away, impolitically correct. what were you saying? healthcare in canada? oh yes. sea to my healthy stare (pump pump). how far can you squirt? and have you fine-tuned your sugars today? what's that? colostrum on call in the coliseum? and can you dislocate your jaw? wide enough to suck both at the same time? que chau que froid se soir . .  i mean .. come on . ..  dont turn us on here and then leave us hanging by a thread of lait oh lay oh layla. Smack Claptonreporting from kansaas.
 — unknown

that was a very awesome and entertaining comment, thank you so much  =-)

and i also liked that poem thingy up there too, 5 tits, wow...i knew a girl who had 3.
 — jenakajoffer

Wow... a THIRD tit.  I've heard it all now....  HAPPY FRIDAY!
 — aforbing

Happy Friday indeed!  

you know forbs, that girl i knew, was my sort-of step-sister...unfortunately when she hit puberty that third eye started to develop, so...it was kinda weird when we changed in front of each other.

 — jenakajoffer

Oh my, this is awesome now! So glad you omitted the violence ;)
 — Known

i'm glad too,
thanks to lysandre's advice, she's so amazing, i love her, but she left!
Bitch, lol...i miss her.  (just kidding, V)
 — jenakajoffer

She left? errr when?
 — Known