| That Which Fell Apart
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abby
| The droplet on the empty faucet falls | 1 |
like the dates on the calendar | 2 |
falling | 3 |
gushing, oozing, flaking down the wall | 4 |
to a heap on the floor. | 5 |
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I stoop down. | 6 |
September 9 next to | 7 |
February 13 next to | 8 |
May 21. | 9 |
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Over the horizon the sun falls | 10 |
locks of damp hair fall | 11 |
a missed baseball falls | 12 |
the head of the mentally ill | 13 |
patient falls to his hands | 14 |
in the room | 15 |
with ochre wallpaper. | 16 |
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The air turns colder | 17 |
becoming unhinged with wind | 18 |
the leaves falling down. | 19 |
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The young man’s pizza falls | 20 |
off his plate as he watches | 21 |
a movie alone in his apartment. | 22 |
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A highschooler squeezes | 23 |
his girlfriend's hand | 24 |
and she falls in love | 25 |
as a child drops rocks | 26 |
over the bridge | 27 |
and watches them fall | 28 |
into the river. | 29 |
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Specks become small dollhouses | 30 |
swimming pools the size of grapes | 31 |
grapefruits. Watermelons. | 32 |
You close your eyes. | 33 |
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16 Apr 04 |
Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (3): 8, 8, 8
(define the words in this poem)
(21 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
I love this in concept. Lines 3-6 have to go. They have been in way too many poems, exactly the same way (yes, even with the formatting you talked about). Lines 23-25 seemed out of place when I first read through this. I know it fits though, maybe if you just switched it with the previous strophe. Or even put it first. Or... I don't know. I absolutely love the end.
— Ananke
Eh, you're right.
— abby
ochre is such an ugly sounding color. which makes it a good choice. that stanza is a little akward though. it's a risky way to write it. i think that simple tweaking of word choice is the thing though-- "mentally ill patient" sounds akward to me because it's so P.C., line 16 is a little out of place to begin with and "wallpaper" adds two extra syllables.
6-9 makes a great image (i see little sheets of one-a-day calendar on the floor). 23-29 is stellar.
in 30, is "dollhouses" supposed to be possessive?
i have to go with ananke on the first stanza. even if you've changed it since that was written, it still doesn't sit right. i love how the faucet connects to the swimming pool (i almost thought you'd forgotten but then boom at the end; it makes you smile). but 3-5.. gah, i just don't know. it's on the tip of my ton...fingers. maybe it will hit me and i'll write it lata.
— jade
On lines 7 and 8 you have "next to" twice. I didn't like that, it makes it sound better if you try and use a differen't word other than "next" for the second time in a row. Try and come up with something different for that maybe. It would flow better.
I do love this a hell of a lot other than that little thing I just mentioned. This is wonderful and i'll definitely be saving it to read it again from time to time. Nicely done. ;-) I love it!!
— Jsmiles05
Oh I'm so dumb. Your last paragraph, it took me a while to get the point. That you're the one falling.... got it. lol. I think it was the grapefruits/grapes thing that threw me off.
— unknown
Omygod. *squeels* This is SO good! The flow of it makes me feel like I'm being pulled down a waterfall slowly.
— silentscream
This is great. Maybe try a way to rework line 4, it seemed a bit out of place. I like the word flaking, though. The last two stanzas were my favorites, and the ending just won me over.
— azalea
L20-22--- betcha that dang thing
lands toppings down...
bet?
— chuckles
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