poetry critical

online poetry workshop



you and i, subletting a title
DeformedLion

i write a girl into a thing, eyeline
 1
and cucumber parcels, into evening:
 2
the leaves have flown home,
 3
where the cockroaches were are now tenements
 4
and ice-cream has melted into puddles
 5
on the floor.
 6
 
 
i write her, she does not come, i seek
 7
the beauty of creation,
 8
pen siliceous in the rockbed, light refracting
 9
all around me, cower
 10
under the crush of blankets.  
 11
she drowns me.
 12
 
 
i am dead and buried, that is good,
 13
somehow i have thoughts of her,
 14
dancing by the cornfields, and
 15
swaying when the wind shifts her
 16
into wheat, once
 17
 
 
when i was young i pretended
 18
to be a policeman or a poem-
 19
whatever, and all my arrests
 20
shivered as i stood there, pretending-
 21
 
 
and when they crumpled into paper
 22
and the falling was like the screech
 23
of rubber wheels
 24
i think i saw you as myself-
 25
entangled in love, sure as that:
 26
suffocating.
 27
 
 
i made you to love me, and all you
 28
you ever give me is a word
 29
to rest my head on,
 30
slice my dreams into thin memories;
 31
love   i thought i made you,
 32
but lonely you have ever had me.
 33

1 May 11

Rated 9.3 (6.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (5): 1, 1, 2, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(365 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

oh lovely so sad needs a better title and how did you do the italics if i may ask. im having probs formatting at this site. thanks and lovely!!
 — Clara

use html

     then  
 — DeformedLion

but i don't know how to show you without it being all invisible. search html on google and it will come up with results for doing italics and all the other things.
 — DeformedLion

22-27 are inmy thoughts profound yep, i do think so.

De Lion. you have a master switch? seems so- when it's on it's on.
 — unknown

i think it's lame that people take my titles.  i'm outta here.
 — jenakajoffer

yes, one time is funny but after two it gets in the skin...

you are a lovesicklion, not deformed. now man up and change the title before I man You up myself.

nice poem, but i'm still going to tease you until you wet your pants. :-)
 — mandolyn

make the title "it's stuffy in here and i forgot to put on deoderant"
 — mandolyn

although the title is irking my environment, amongst other things that have nothing to do with this poem, i find it simply beautiful.  i hate you for it because it's better than any of my you and me's.  :-(

here have a 10.
 — jenakajoffer

^ oh now, jen...really? c'mon... your 'you and mes' are great and you know it. some are better than others, yes, but they are all the originals and nobody can take that away. i am sure lion thinks you are the best writer that exists and he was attempting to try a poem for ye. be flattered. i am sure he meant no harm by it. he's a deformedloveiscklion...i mean, c'mon.

but i'll still give him hell because it's fun. let's short sheet his bed.
 — mandolyn

DL, with all these women fawning over you, how can you be lonely?
 — unknown

^ ha! lion is like my little brother...i have to mess with him. he'll put me in a headlock sooner or later.
 — mandolyn

some really good stuff in here...particularly of the 3rd verse
 — larrylark

nice poem, cool title.
 — JKWeb

title's kick ass
 — jenakajoffer

it's a little TOO good...i'd be suspicious.
 — mandolyn

this is absolutely gorgeous. and haunting.
 — behaev

you wield the vocab effortlessly. gorgeous write. i love 'cucumber parcels'!
 — _fallenleaf

bump. great stuff.
 — funes

after giving this another look, I wonder if line 4 was intentional.  'were are'?  anyways, still a great read.
 — JKWeb

0.338s