poetry critical

online poetry workshop



my eye has a patch on the inside
mandolyn

i want to ship with your friend
 1
friendship you again,
 2
 
 
sail sideways
 3
anchor our brains in a title wave
 4
wash ourselves silly
 5
 
 
bring a ruler- rule me
 6
we will measure our laugh
 7
as we joke about dragons
 8
eating bacon
 9
and throwing up men-
 10
 
 
and if i practice what i preach
 11
will you dance with me?
 12
 
 
on a slippery rock,
 13
suffocated by moss
 14
we can play your favorite song
 15
 
 
step on my toes, left feet me
 16
defeat the daggers in my
 17
eyes, surprise me
 18
with a blow to my heart
 19
 
 
i'll bruise for you
 20
 
 
only if you let me
 21
squeeze your mouth dry
 22
then tuck you
 23
beneath the surf
 24

18 May 11

Rated 9.7 (9.5) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (1): 2, 9, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(219 more poems by this author)

(1 user considers this poem a favorite)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

I think you might need to realign your compass Captain.
 — larrylark

who you trying to write like?
 — unknown

this is me. i call this style my 'chip chop' style.
L1 was the inspiration. my brain works in mysterious ways.
 — mandolyn

oh this is my fave or yours to date.

love it!!

7-10 really rocks solid rocks

omg. i sound dumb. lol

thanks
F
 — unknown

thanks funie...
it was fun to write
 — mandolyn

I wish I could walk inside your brain for a day Mandolyn
 — unknown

i'll snort to that
 — mandolyn

Nautical purists among us might write it thus...

i want to ship with your mate
and sail sideways
anchor our brains
scrub
our decks silly
 
bring a lead to sound
we will measure our draft
as we joke about serpents
eating dolphins
and throwing up mermen 
 
and if i practice
what i preach
will you dance with me? 
 
on a slippery rock,
suffocated by moss
we can play your favorite shanty 
 
you can step on my toes
and wreck me
when i'm not looking
 
i'll bruise for you
but only
if you let me
squeeze your mouth dry
 
then tuck you
beneath my waves
 — unknown

ha!

i agree with larry.
your compass is askew
j/k

meat of your poem is in 20-25.

these lines, well done,
in particular 24-25.

is there some way you could not cliche in 11-12?
too easy mandee doo dah.

nice poem,
9
 — PollyReg

Purist's correction - On reflection I prefer draught to "draft" (altho both are correct) the former having less chimney connotations.
 — unknown

"squeeze your 'scuppers' dry" has just sailed into my head!
 — unknown

thanks polly. but 11-12 must stay, it's important and there is no other way to say it.

unk who gave me another version- HA! i actually beat you to the last line...i had that, and deleted it. i do not want this poem to be porno. sorry.
also, 'ship with your friend' is a take off 'friendship' --main reason why i wrote this. he's a nasty ol bugger too...i should push him off the boat. :)
 — mandolyn

my compass told me to jump ship
 — mandolyn

i find this whole page rather inspiring
 — unknown

thanks.
are you the one who commented on my other one?
 — mandolyn

yeah lol. i love what happens here. people rewriting and creating and sharing together. everything you write gives me that sense of inspiration. followed by that of hopelessness because i never know what to write about.
 — unknown

^ well i'm glad i could be of some inspiration! there are many poets here who inspire me. so you will find this place to be a great family of poets. :)
 — mandolyn

thank you~
A ten for hospitality. Oh and the title...and the poem of course.
 — zoso_obscene

mwahaha. i have two accounts. is that cheating? ;)
 — sylvia

i actually didn't mean to post in that other one '^.^ idk why i commented on anon in the first place
 — sylvia

i always accidentally comment on my other account, no biggie.
thanks sylvia obscene! :)
 — mandolyn

i'm not obscene just because i wrote a poem about what i thought it would be like losing my virginity when i was fourteen!!
 — sylvia

oh no that's not what i meant, i was mutating both of your usernames. :)
 — mandolyn

i know and i was cracking a joke. :d
wanna have a look at an essay I have due in one hour?
if so i will send it to your email on your profile~
i hope this is giving you a 10 rating everytime. yeauh.
 — sylvia

lol, sure i would love to read it.
 — mandolyn

32 pfizer viagra 100mg Tablets For Sale Uk in Cedar Park .  
 — unknown

0.268s