poetry critical

online poetry workshop

hello, bill

remember when we played with the hose
how we perked,
went straight for erogenous–
when i wanted cream
i wrote you into a little enzyme
and swallowed so i wouldn't puddle.  
sometimes i was tender for you–
i kept your babies, blithe in my bloodbag
and let you rinse them out
while you slowly knocked.
fisting hurt; you bore my black bruise.
i faced you and we souled,
our make-love believed, and us
sure to scar.
i ironed you with my mammary glands,
tickled your balls;
my breasts leaking to your caterwaul,
your suck muscles taut for hind milk.
every move was just
as you inked beneath the blanket–
you, yellowish
and me, torpedo red–
don't you see?
my heart longs to be quill with your pain.
that's how love is.
i taught you.

30 May 11

Rated 9.5 (8.5) by 2 users.
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Inactive (17): 1, 1, 1, 4, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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ln 32? typo somewhere?

strong stuff. great imagery. thank you!! F
 — unknown

That was a wicked ride.  You took me to a different place. Thank you.
 — Known

Seriously, I will return again, after I recover from that...
 — Known

strong, strong stuff.  not sure about 33 tho'.  the rest is $$$.
 — JKWeb

this needs tightening up. you have some good phrases but i think it sometimes loses my attention, particulary around 10 - 15 and 35 - 37.

i won't tell you what i liked.
 — raskolniikov

it is line 9,
 — unknown

geesh between you and Mandee, I am going to have to break out my sex-pot poetry!
 — unknown

F, K, J, thank you for the nice responses to my then draft.
i am a cutter and will continue. :)

thanks raskolniik, i will clench.

unk, it's not line 9.

other ink, bring it on, the more the fucking merrier.
 — jenakajoffer

^^ ftw (for the wut?)

nice poem jen. my favorite is 35-36.
i am in a 'write you' mood too.
 — mandolyn

p.s mcfisty and i miss you over at FB
 — mandolyn

i hate f/b, muffin been away too long
not even a poke. :(
 — jenakajoffer

poking is gay
 — mandolyn

poking is christian.

mandee, why do you refer to a sexual orientation as a way to voice your disaproval with something?
 — raskolniikov

i happen to love poking.
 — jenakajoffer

So jen, I'm curious what prompted you to mix sex and motherhood in this way? Forgive my male ignorance ;) it's a fascinating poem really.  Commanding yet strangely subtle at times...
 — Known

lol rask-- that was gay.

jen, i wish fb had a 'slap' option. then you could slap muffin.

did muffin see this poem?
 — mandolyn

why would she see this poem, or care?
 — jenakajoffer

hey Gnomie,

i really don't know how to explain that except to say that sometimes women mother men, and men do love to nurse their women, well those that i have 'known'.  

Maybe too, it's that he is a lot younger than i am, and i feel i have this 'hand that feeds' yet this 'i will teach you how to love' thing, and he's like 'my junk is growing' and he still wears cowboy pyjamas, but he's cool and i'm mrs. robinson?

It's weird, he and i have this sort of fucked up relationship and  it'ss colourful, inspiring, loving, violent and sexual all wrapped up in a rainbow...funny too, it's all based on poetry.  
 — jenakajoffer

Wow jen, even your descriptions are colorful and wonderful. You are an incredible writer. Major kudos.
 — Known

thanks Known, that's a really wonderful thing to hear from you.
I think you are massive talent... raw, natural. :)
 — jenakajoffer

did you change ln 15-16 . .? i remember ln. 16 being a bit more subtle? maybe i am just mis-reemmbering? thanks F
 — unknown


Wow jen, even your descriptions are colorful and wonderful. You are an incredible writer. Major kudos.
— Known
 — unknown

'I taught you?' get over yourself.
 — unknown

hey funie, yes that line was more subtle, i was playing around, changed it back.  do you prefer the subtle knock over the hardcore cock?  :)  
 — jenakajoffer

knob, haha, that's cute.  and unk, he loves that line, betcha.  :)
 — jenakajoffer

quality assurance needed why does sex have to rear its ugly head
 — unknown

hey, dirty blanket boy, i see you've been sniffing...
what are your thoughts?  a response poem no doubt =-)
 — jenakajoffer

Kay..if I keep leaving gushy comments the others are going to think I have a mad girl-crush on you.  I do have a mad girl-crush on your poetry, without a doubt.  
 — sybarite

its coming
 — DeformedLion

oooh sybarite *blushing*  
thank you =-)
 — jenakajoffer

it came it came!

...and then it wilted.

you know i love it, rough and tender.
 — DeformedLion

thanks baby ;)
 — jenakajoffer

Nothing else for me to say except this poem is a sensory potpourri with careful and magnamious word choices. Powerful!
 — ginga

Make-love believe is a really strong statement. Over all this is a jarring and enjoyable read. Don't have anything to complain about and it leaves you just as it starts. Really potent.
 — Amalgamono

How do u DO IT?!!!  God, you're my favorite poetess in the entire world!  xo
 — starr

been a long time since this got any rock 'n roll, haha..  thanks ginga, amalgamono.

Hey you, shitdawg of my soul!
always freakin me out with your fancy, but i'm happy you like my shit...you are great, thanks for the love and peace. xox
 — jenakajoffer

cryin' over you....
 — jenakajoffer

Been a while...
 — Known

My god. 'Tis the fairest of them all.

I have one coming for Valentine's Day. Not sure why it's not here but it used to be. Have to put it back, for bill.
I loved your comment all those years ago. So awesome, thank you.
 — jenakajoffer

My comments aren't postingggg

 — Known

you're at least aware of how good you write, right? Rite
 — sixtywatt

*well. And my mouse broke.
 — sixtywatt

you could kill a badger by knocking it on it's nose
great poem
 — stout

my comment is, this is exactly what it's supposed to sound like. thank you.
 — tonebone

Many thanks sixty, really amazing thing to say.

Stout! Whaaaa love me some badger, thanks for reading mate.

Boneymarony, so glad you had a bill read, and you liked it. I'm such a big fan of yours. :)
 — jenakajoffer

Funny, I looked at this thinking it would be regarding Bill W, who is a close friend of mine...
TOTALLY different them.  I love it!
 — aforbing

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 — unknown