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letter to myself at age 5

you come to me in my sleep
penetrating the heavy curtain I try to lift during the day
you wiggle your way through my swampy eyes
your tan is an ocean
and sometimes all the earth sinks in it
especially my white stone feet
I watch them submerged in your depths
where there is no sound but your giggle
it is a dragonfly
and its hum is a riddle that I'm the answer to
its at this realization
that I make you leave
to go back to the sun
and the mystery of your wings

20 Jun 11

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before I say anything, did you write this when you were 5? Or did you write this in retrospect of BEING 5?
 — Haxxen

other feedback?

Haxxen ain't too bright. ;)  But then, neither am I as I'm not real sure what you're saying here.  Are you reminiscing your youth, looking back at the energy and vigor you had at that age?  
 — unknown

OK, I'll assume you wrote it when you were 5, because thats what it says in the title. For a 5 year old, this borders on genius.  For an adult, it's not bad.  But I suspect you wrote something like this when you were 5, and re-wrote it in more adult terms as an adult.  ether way, it's good.  Wanted to know if it was word for word from a 5 year old mind.
 — Haxxen

OK, I'll cut all the BS.  YES, I know it was written FOR your childhood. Point is, the title could be misleading.  Forgive me for playing this pantomime.  was curious to see how you would respond b4 unk ruined it for me.  The title was the only thing I thought could have been strengthened.  Letter "FOR" myself at age 5, maybe?  I know it's nitpicking, but thats the only part that could be "misunderstood" it seems to me.  "to myself at age 5" means "TO myself AT age 5".  The rest is crystal.  Ty for read.
 — Haxxen

I literally have no clue what you are trying to say to/about your younger self here. I think the language is getting in the way. Even though some of it is pretty.
 — aptaylor

hey aptaylor,

I'll take a stab, but not sure that octo will respond.

The way I read it, the child is a riddle that the adult is the answer to, and because the answer is so dissapointing, the answer (adult) releases the child to be the thing the adult imagines/wishes it could be.  ie. superior in its innocence.  even though it is only a precursor to what it is destined to become. ie. "swampy eyes" (jade).  Wrong or not, I thoroughly enjoyed this in the way that I read it.
 — Haxxen

thats how i intended it hax.....thanks for the in depth critique