poetry critical

online poetry workshop



Main Stream
Semmetrik

The main stream is flowing
 1
though not wandering
 2
rather, man made.
 3
A canal channeling
 4
everything we like
 5
right to us.
 6
It will flow,
 7
and run off
 8
 
 
with our ideas,
 9
flooding helpless
 10
victims, bloodied
 11
(metaphorically).
 12
Torrential "stream,"
 13
pump-fed bilge water
 14
that gathered at the bottom,
 15
which everyone can relate to.
 16

4 Jul 11

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9

(define the words in this poem)
(35 more poems by this author)



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Comments:

Enjoyed the flow of this and the message you're imparting.  A nice, fresh spring here.
 — mtharp

Thank you mtharp, I'm glad you're relating to my work. It's a great feeling. Please don't hesitate to criticize or critique though, I need to know where to improve!
 — Semmetrik

You're welcome, Semmetrik.  I'm sometimes hesitant to critique as I'm not always certain that my suggestions will actually improve a poem!  But here are a few thoughts that I had:

L2: perhaps you could rephrase it as "though not natural"  This eliminates using the word 'stream' twice in the first two lines.

L13: Perhaps replace 'stream' with 'flow' or 'surge.'  I'm thinking 'flow' would work best.

L15: Strike 'that' and simply go with "gathered at the bottom."

Feel free to use or disregard my suggested as you see fit.  
 — mtharp

Made some changes, not exactly what you said. Something about taking other people's words doesn't feel right..but I agreed with your thoughts.
 — Semmetrik

Looks good.  I think your changes are better than what I had suggested.
 — mtharp

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