poetry critical

online poetry workshop

Main Stream

The main stream is flowing
though not wandering
rather, man made.
A canal channeling
everything we like
right to us.
It will flow,
and run off
with our ideas,
flooding helpless
victims, bloodied
Torrential "stream,"
pump-fed bilge water
that gathered at the bottom,
which everyone can relate to.

4 Jul 11

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Enjoyed the flow of this and the message you're imparting.  A nice, fresh spring here.
 — mtharp

Thank you mtharp, I'm glad you're relating to my work. It's a great feeling. Please don't hesitate to criticize or critique though, I need to know where to improve!
 — Semmetrik

You're welcome, Semmetrik.  I'm sometimes hesitant to critique as I'm not always certain that my suggestions will actually improve a poem!  But here are a few thoughts that I had:

L2: perhaps you could rephrase it as "though not natural"  This eliminates using the word 'stream' twice in the first two lines.

L13: Perhaps replace 'stream' with 'flow' or 'surge.'  I'm thinking 'flow' would work best.

L15: Strike 'that' and simply go with "gathered at the bottom."

Feel free to use or disregard my suggested as you see fit.  
 — mtharp

Made some changes, not exactly what you said. Something about taking other people's words doesn't feel right..but I agreed with your thoughts.
 — Semmetrik

Looks good.  I think your changes are better than what I had suggested.
 — mtharp