| Main Stream
|
Semmetrik
| The main stream is flowing | 1 |
though not wandering | 2 |
rather, man made. | 3 |
A canal channeling | 4 |
everything we like | 5 |
right to us. | 6 |
It will flow, | 7 |
and run off | 8 |
| |
with our ideas, | 9 |
flooding helpless | 10 |
victims, bloodied | 11 |
(metaphorically). | 12 |
Torrential "stream," | 13 |
pump-fed bilge water | 14 |
that gathered at the bottom, | 15 |
which everyone can relate to. | 16 |
|
4 Jul 11 |
Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 9
(define the words in this poem)
(35 more poems by this author)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
Enjoyed the flow of this and the message you're imparting. A nice, fresh spring here.
— mtharp
Thank you mtharp, I'm glad you're relating to my work. It's a great feeling. Please don't hesitate to criticize or critique though, I need to know where to improve!
— Semmetrik
You're welcome, Semmetrik. I'm sometimes hesitant to critique as I'm not always certain that my suggestions will actually improve a poem! But here are a few thoughts that I had:
L2: perhaps you could rephrase it as "though not natural" This eliminates using the word 'stream' twice in the first two lines.
L13: Perhaps replace 'stream' with 'flow' or 'surge.' I'm thinking 'flow' would work best.
L15: Strike 'that' and simply go with "gathered at the bottom."
Feel free to use or disregard my suggested as you see fit.
— mtharp
Made some changes, not exactly what you said. Something about taking other people's words doesn't feel right..but I agreed with your thoughts.
— Semmetrik
Looks good. I think your changes are better than what I had suggested.
— mtharp
|
|
|