poetry critical

online poetry workshop



anxiety at a foodbank
OCTOGENARIAN

pictures of Jesus swirling
 1
robed in grandeur saying "what happened my son"
 2
or soggy with blood limping to Calvary
 3
gasping "I understand"
 4
 
 
kids yawning
 5
kicking their feet
 6
waiting in a square that wraps around the church
 7
that seems to be tied around my neck
 8
 
 
my life plays out across a humble wooden cross
 9
all of my potential like two roses falling from Christ's toes
 10
and compassion is the redness of my face
 11
ready to pour out of my skull
 12
as a bottle of champagne for everyone to sip
 13
 
 
outside I let the sky
 14
rub into my eyes like I'm asleep
 15
in a robin's egg
 16
ready to crack open
 17

12 Sep 11

Rated 10 (10) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 10

(define the words in this poem)
(124 more poems by this author)



Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha

Comments:

comments?
 — OCTOGENARIAN

Hmmm...It's funny.  The title pulled me in.  From a former Food Pantry Manager (which was based out of a United Church of Christ,) I'm thinking that you need to bring a little more color into this.  You can do this in many ways, but I'm thinking the obvious which is completely left out here (the bags of canned goods and other things which are handed out,) the non-English speaking clientele (if any), the actual workers (their empathy toward the clientele,) the volunteers, etc...How about describing the quantities of the food which you are allotted???  What does the actual church look like?  Is the air heavy and thick or is there an echo?  How do u feel when u leave there?  What about the kids?  Do they know where they are (a food pantry?) and why?  As it stands, it's kind of colorless and bland, but certainly reverent with your references to Christ.  It's lacking in atmosphere.  I can certainly relate though.  Been there, DONE that.  Thank God for the food pantries and soup kitchens all over the world.  They're sooooo badly needed.  God Bless.  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  Check out my "Soupline Meditations" poems here to see what I mean.  You an find them in my poetry list in my profile.  I also managed the soup kitchen.  Best (and hardest), but most LOVE-filled 7 years of my life.  :-)
 — starr

p.s.  Sorry.  I neglected to say that the title could be a little more creative too.  Maybe something that pertains to your Faith???  Food (no pun intended) 4 thought.  :-)
 — starr

Holy cow--for once I actually understand your comment Mike!  I am inclined to agree with you, as well.  The last stanza is lovely and could stand on its own as the poem, with the title left as is.  I have to say that I can 'feel' this poem better through just the last stanza.
 — sybarite

thanks to whoever gave this a 10.... intersting comments to think on mbauer and starr....thanks to you both as well
 — OCTOGENARIAN

0.57s