poetry critical

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Employment at Burlington Coat Factory
unknown

On a stucco facade
 1
sits a sign that's misleading
 2
and flaunts a location
 3
that fabricates coats--
 4
it's without intimation
 5
of what else entails--
 6
unless this addendum
 7
were added in quotes:
 8
 
 
"This isn't a factory;
 9
we don't manufacture;
 10
our hours are posted
 11
but ask us inside;
 12
the bathroom's through shoes
 13
and then just past the depot;
 14
and if there's a survey,
 15
we all 'strive for five'.
 16
 
 
And if you choose credit,
 17
please wait for instruction--
 18
the red line, though tempting,
 19
is not where you sign;
 20
we never give cash on
 21
a layaway purchase,
 22
so please don't get angry
 23
and hold up the line.
 24
 
 
This place has it's sizers,
 25
it's rounders, its standards,
 26
it's telxon, it's bullets,
 27
it's stickies, it's hards
 28
and you hardly would know,
 29
just to what I'm referring,
 30
unless you've swiped in
 31
with your Burlington card."
 32
 
 
Such a sign needs a font
 33
much too small for detection--
 34
a sign not in sign shop or Corporate approved--
 35
no argon or neon is needed, just paper--
 36
so please read this quickly before it's removed.
 37

3 Oct 11

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Comments:

Much, MUCH too literal. This lacks flare of metaphor and emotion. It's vaguely sarcastic but not enough to be remotely funny or interesting. I'd scratch the whole piece and try again with the same subject.  again, it feels like a rant but why should we (audience) care? Tell us about coats and how you sell them to buy your dreams which are actually full of coats that keep your mind warm.
 — unknown

not bad, spice up with something memorable or different or a customer foaming at the mouth
 — gjenkins

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