poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Sunflower

my first poem ever.

Against the morningtide sky,
I smile
to the girl in red.
Wishing and hoping,
that maybe my turn might come.
Small and petite,
graceful and elegant,
little did I know,
you had struck a chord
in this very heart of mine.
You hop and dance
along this amber lit path
to a rhythm in your head,
a melody only you know,
oh so well!
Basking in the glory that is you,
I wait patiently.
Gone is yesterday,
when you passed me by
though my petals were waving right at you.
But today I am ready
as always I am forgiving,
a new day demands
a new me.
So you stop
to admire me,
you bend over
to pick me up.
And with one whiff,
you carry me
for as long as I can remember.
And you warm me with your love,
       and your smile,
       and your laughter.
And you love me with your love,
as I love you with mine.
Finally I am happy
to be made for you,
my sunflower girl.

25 Apr 04

Rated 5 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (1): 8, 9

(define the words in this poem)
(21 more poems by this author)

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simple... sweet
 — unknown

yih sun u rock!
 — cheeleung

Beautiful piece!
U might wanna check out:


If you get the chance,
Latez, ;)
 — mz_nyame

thumbs up to the sun! :p
 — unknown

it's great:) ure a natural
 — unknown

i hope this was written for me... hehe.. just playing. pretty neat stuff =)
 — unknown

its real nice n sweet...n yea u can write...
 — unknown

It's not bad. I am personally turned off by your continual abbreviations and stock phraseology; but it seems that other people like them.

I've also got a beef with your final three (four?) stanzas. They should and could really be one. Your elipsis in l37 and again in l38 seem unneccesary. Also, the capitalisation of the final line is unneccessary. It makes it read more like a middle-school love-poem than the well-composed piece of work that it truly is.
 — zepplin42

I'm a little critical of the use of ellipis in lines 37-38.  Let's see what it looks like without it.  (oh no, my T is acting up again, argh).  They remind me of bad conversation on AIM.  Otherwise, wonderful poem.  Thanks for writing it.  
 — blackmascara

thanks a lot.. lemme try tweakin it
 — mrkhoo

neatly done..sweet.
 — unknown

stock phraseology- yea i agree with zep. but there's potential i guess.
 — unknown

really sweet... :) -usagi chan-
 — unknown

U have to be kidding........your first poem!? Dead impressed m8
 — J99

 — unknown