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While That Hole Is Only Deep In The Center, You've Heard That Before
unknown

While my eyes, as pin points
 1
were always ready to cry
 2
"me me ME!"
 3
My heart was never ready to give.
 4
I just kept it hidden away
 5
increasingly dormant inside myself
 6
of who I really am.
 7
The me that you claimed true love for.
 8
A thief in me rose up
 9
so angry
 10
so forgetful
 11
that I forget now
 12
what your soft naked skin looks like
 13
in the bathroom white light,
 14
morning or night
 15
running lotions and mascara over your
 16
beautiful self
 17
or getting ready for work
 18
while I slept, passed out or sleeping in
 19
you would strive, all drive in your heart
 20
for a better future (together, once)
 21
 
 
And I spent my entire self,
 22
body, mind, heart....money.
 23
I would claim it was crazy of you, for you.
 24
But spun out, strung out
 25
and soon alone at and all night
 26
while you slept
 27
or wept
 28
 
 
It's not like the earth rotated for me,
 29
but no one could see my shoulders
 30
weren't exactly pushing along
 31
the cogs and gears
 32
of dirt, sky, and axis
 33
that the tilt was only me,
 34
balanced on one foot
 35
unable to walk backwards
 36
like you
 37
 
 
So I learned to breathe fire
 38
like love stewing in my gut
 39
and I know that one day I will erupt
 40
and our lands, distant as they may be
 41
will burn
 42
till we don't know who is who
 43
charred, with only scattered teeth remaining
 44
 
 
For I see a crucible in you
 45
big as oceans
 46
expansive as space,
 47
maybe
 48
you're the universe to me,
 49
and I'm trapped in you indefinitely
 50
able only to endure
 51
But only so far
 52
and/or back again as you'd say
 53
 
 
I am in love,
 54
sick or not,
 55
and love is in me
 56
running both deep and superficially-
 57
I cannot hide it any longer,
 58
it will cry, claw, and fight it's way out
 59
 
 
but
 60
 
 
I sometimes wish my heart weren't my core.
 61
I often wish my logic were.
 62
With my brain at the center of everything
 63
holding my love captive
 64
and cognitively away...
 65
erputions would only happen
 66
if it happened
 67
to make sense
 68
 
 
To purge emotion is to free myself from pain
 69
 
 
Our love once spread like a raging wildfire
 70
is now contained
 71
to children in backyards
 72
with garden hoses
 73
and water balloons.
 74
 
 
Nothing is mine, therefore nothing is lost
 75
 
 
If I have to pluck you from cross and crucifix
 76
(because someone has been praying for me, and I have scarred so beautifully)
 77
I would still make my own salvation-
 78
for I am a compass and map.
 79
I am made of the same elements.
 80
I have finally hit bottom
 81
and I have nothing left to lose
 82
 
 
If I have to go back to the depths and lonliness that is incarceration
 83
at least I know I'll survive
 84
 
 
and rise once more
 85

19 Oct 11


(define the words in this poem)



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-to purge emotion is to free myself from pain
-nothing is mine, therefore nothing is lost


unknown to unknown, i see nothing else worth keeping

chop/chop
 — unknown

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