poetry critical

online poetry workshop



pale ghost
Inuki

i climbed out of cholera,
 1
walked away from
 2
a blackout town,
 3
rickety steeples
 4
spindling into sod.
 5
 
 
the tenebrous woods
 6
leered inside my soul,
 7
nocturnal beasts
 8
casting grim shadows
 9
as i gathered folds
 10
of courage together
 11
in my cloak.
 12
 
 
my heart struck like
 13
a blacksmith's hammer,
 14
a sunless pit widening.
 15
gazing at a doleful path
 16
leading to the dreary house
 17
where my mother breathed
 18
her last.
 19
 
 
broken door brushed aside
 20
i breached the funereal foyer;
 21
the foot of a somber stairway,
 22
where a white-veiled
 23
apparition materialized:
 24
a locus of cometary dust,
 25
skeleton fireflies
 26
blossoming a lifeless glow.
 27
 
 
amongst the layers of decay
 28
i traced my fleeting fingers,
 29
reeling back the years
 30
like a roll
 31
of forboding film projected
 32
on the window pane.
 33
 
 
no more
 34
than mere memory.
 35

21 Oct 11

Rated 9.3 (8.6) by 3 users.
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Comments:

nice write.  I especially like 20-27.  dig the rich imagery and language.  I think if  maybe you expanded/strengthened the end, it'd match the intensity of the rest of the piece.
 — JKWeb

Wonderful imagery, wonderful voice, without sounding woe is me, only reality in black and gray with white spaces where love still shines.  This is good from the beginning, every line as it should be.  My opinion only.
 — Isabelle5

This one caught my eye. Why?
 — PaleHorse

You've included the whole cast of ghoulish character's in here, except the Creature from the Black Lagoon ( who wo'nt appear, unless he gets his back pay). Although, you did add a twist towards the end: I like the "skeleton fireflies" & "forboding film projected." --it's a fresh chill I can shiver to.

LOL
 — Seditswing

la la
 — unknown

yeh
 — unknown

bauer is killing poetry
 — unknown

--just awesome.  i am so glad i stumbled onto this wonderful piece of poetry.  what a smooth and gripping read.  the first line kicked my ass, and then so on.  

lovely, thank you
 — jenakajoffer

wow Inuki, you are some talented.
bravo :)
 — jenakajoffer

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