poetry critical

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the odds

my eyes hue
wont and longing
i lip
melting words i love you
shying and skipping a few breaths everytime
what i can't whisper -
      this wanting to run away

19 Nov 11

Rated 10 (9.5) by 1 users.
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I agree with Mike's suggestion for L1-2 and second his excellent for 'i lip'.

I think 'evermore' could stand on its own as a separate line--more impact for its 'eternalness' --you could combine 'shying, skipping' as L5--nice sonics and less incongrous than 'evermore' and 'shying' together.

I'd like to see this end on L8.

Absolutely love 3-4.
 — sybarite

really do appreciate the insight. this is the only one thing i've been coming back with many times and tweaked as much knowing something's wrong.  
 — softyetharsh

Oh yeah, much better!  Though, I'd drop 'in' in L1, perhaps even 'are in'.  I really like this ending on 8.  Leaves the reader to wonder if you want to run away with or run away from.  
 — sybarite

haha, syb, i've done that. drop, put it back, drop again. but i guess you're right. iou this. thanks much.
 — softyetharsh

a rather wanton poem if you ask me.
 — unknown

the odds and sods surely got employed in the unfortunate posting of this poem
 — unknown