my eyes hue
wont and longing
melting words i love you
shying and skipping a few breaths everytime
what i can't whisper -
this wanting to run away
19 Nov 11
Rated 10 (9.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (1): 9
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I agree with Mike's suggestion for L1-2 and second his excellent for 'i lip'.
I think 'evermore' could stand on its own as a separate line--more impact for its 'eternalness' --you could combine 'shying, skipping' as L5--nice sonics and less incongrous than 'evermore' and 'shying' together.
I'd like to see this end on L8.
Absolutely love 3-4.
really do appreciate the insight. this is the only one thing i've been coming back with many times and tweaked as much knowing something's wrong.
Oh yeah, much better! Though, I'd drop 'in' in L1, perhaps even 'are in'. I really like this ending on 8. Leaves the reader to wonder if you want to run away with or run away from.
haha, syb, i've done that. drop, put it back, drop again. but i guess you're right. iou this. thanks much.
a rather wanton poem if you ask me.
the odds and sods surely got employed in the unfortunate posting of this poem
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