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12 Items or Less
starr

It hangs there
 1
snagged on an oak limb
 2
since an autumn ago,
 3
 
 
thin skin lacerated
 4
lifeless leaves dress
 5
gaping wounds.
 6
 
 
Crows come and perch
 7
beside tattered flag
 8
at curious mast,
 9
 
 
the caws
 10
of a dead economy.
 11

21 Nov 11

Rated 9 (8.5) by 1 users.
Active (1): 10
Inactive (7): 2, 3, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(227 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Not me, brotha.  The only Spam I do comes in a can.  :-)
 — starr

Then I apologize for the accusation.  Forgive me my trespasses.  
 — starr

lifeless ghost

ummm, okay?
 — unknown

Ummm...thanks!  Good lookin' out.  :-)
 — starr

cool poem.  though consider replacing 'flies' in 5 with 'blows'?   also, maybe a new title?  not sure "Old Bag" is a suitable here.  melikes otherwise.
 — JKWeb

I am gonna come down there and put an old bag over your head 4 this.  :-)  Hey, buddy!  Thanks 4 the helpful suggestions and hopefully this will meet your approval.  I WAS struggling with the title (as u could tell.)  Good 2cu, JK!  Happy Thanksgiving.  :-)
 — starr

Hey star...I really love the subject matter...way to think out of the box..I was thinking plastic grocery bag...making it more discriptive..
 — brother_sun

Hey, brother_sun!  Thanks 4 the drop-in and thanks 4 your suggestion!  Done!  Happy Thanksgiving, buddy!  :-)
 — starr

Starr my bro-dawg, shitdawg of love, i like your poem!!!

can i suggest a couple tings mon?

ok, the caps are freaking me out.

i think line 6 is bah! if you change line 5's verb, say... 'blows' to 'tatters' you could omit some over-word-usage.

i would love this ending at line 18.  that is some strong last impression, my friend.

thank you!xo
 — jenakajoffer

Hey, Sista Cake Dogg!!!  Got'cha on all that and have made the changes.  What choo think NOW?  Better?  Love u2, Jen!  xo
 — starr

oh yes, oh yes! lovely!

sorry, one thing i forgot to mention before is that since you mention last november, i would remove 'still' and 'same' in that first stanza.  just some cake for thinking.

love it, :D
 — jenakajoffer

Damn, u are GOOD!  I always LOVE how u get right under shit and sniff your way thru with such a great eye, Jen!  Done!  Thanks and as always, I adore u!  xo
 — starr

this is TIGHT!

this is probably my favourite of yours..yes, it reminds me of fall on the coast when i was a youngin, the giant crows and their beautiful caw, the wharf and of course, pirates. ;)
 — jenakajoffer

NICE!!!  I'm glad!!!  I remember the days when u were so smitten by my "Corn & Cargo" and "Winter Sucks" poems TOO!  I am thankful (today, tomorrow and ALWAYS) for our buddyhood!  xo!
 — starr

Can it tatter in the wind all year long?  I think tattered strips blow in the wind all year long.  You can't know that Crows recognize it, they get used to it, use it as a beacon.  Beckoning them to the tree would be good.

Ill flag doesn't work, either.  It's a good flag!  Errant flag, accidental flag, something besides ill.

I can see this so clearly in my head!  I love the image!  
 — unknown

I am gonna SCREAM!!!  WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Okay...I feel better now.  Let me see what I can do with this.  As for the crows, I'm just putting on paper what they appear to be doing.  I'm "poetically" climbing inside their little brains."  Thanks!!!  :-)
 — starr

Okay...better?  I think SO.  :-)  Your suggestions are spot-on and I appreciamacate 'em.
 — starr

so much more could be made of the relationship between crows/tree/bag(flag), and how these things reflect some larger picture

it's always dismayed me somewhat starr, that you never seem to invest much effort into what you post here

spurting out a quick goober-thought in 10 (or whatever small amount) lines or less, never seeming to be married to a single word of it, nothing at all safe from the outsider axe of editor/commentors

ah well, here are some concrete suggestions (i totally want to rewrite this piece, make it longer, more textured, more committed)

the title already describes the object: plastic grocery bag, therefore, in such a short smash-and-grab poem line 1 becomes wasted. i'd rather the bag not be named at all, but described with the assumption that the reader knows what it is you are describing. this would also add a field of depth to your image, let me know that in 'real life', you actually DID see this object. what did it look like? what might the most compelling characteristic of this bag be? its color? its size? a particular logo on it? anything at all beyond simply repeating "plastic grocery bag"  gives the piece an opportunity to show something deeper.

seen through the second-floor pane,
pale and buffeted sickly,
it's still there, a November later,
snagged on a gnarled oak-limb...

just a suggestion to illustrate how i would add texture to the image, brushstrokes with words, if you will.

on a much more clinical note, i might note

that - L11 could be removed

all in all, the poem seems to lack direction. i had hoped to be enamored of this plastic grocery bag, poor embattled tattered bag, and for there to be some point to me so enamored, and yet the poem seems just as, if not  more focused on these crows, and their need of the tree.

the piece could go in so many interesting directions, were one so inclined, yet to me, at the end of it i just felt "so? that's it?" i'd start by looking at "ill flag/ at curious mast", and the possible motif of the tree as both captor, and protector.
 — unknown

Wow...THANKS!  I'm gonna leave this up and work it out some more until it's BURSTING with truth and POETRY!!!  Hang on for the ride.  :-)
 — starr

don't give up on this image, please

i really have the feeling that this is just the initial seed of what could become a more vibrant piece, it just needs some nurturing to coax it out of the frost-covered earth

good luck
 — unknown

Thanks, unk. from the bottom of my heart for your points.  This IS gonna be fun and I'm down 4 the challenge!  :-)  Happy Thanksgiving!  
 — starr

Still twerkin' this and am looking forward to any further comments, suggestions, etc... :-)
 — starr

Revised (a little) with the main idea still intact, but even fresher thanks 2 the help I received from yesterday's unknown and from Jen.  Thanks, guys!  Happy Thanksgiving from work today.  :-)
 — starr

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