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chinese dragons

I'm obsessed with
the way wet leaves
leave prints on the sidewalk.
clouds shaped like
chinese dragons.
Or perhaps I think too much.
about king louis XIV
reflective sunglasses
what's on TV tonight
why I love the number 9
how fresh the air feels
the way he chuckles
the colour gray
if I will ever fall in love
sun reflected in the water
like lemondrops

23 Sep 02

Rated 7.5 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (43): 1, 3, 3, 5, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 6, 6, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(21 more poems by this author)

(14 users consider this poem a favorite)

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I love this. Line 10 and 11 are goofy, and line 15 is a little cliche... but oh, god, how it all comes together... the first stanza is breathtaking
 — unknown

This has a real romantic feel to it. Love it.
 — Moose

mmm hmm
 — unknown

I wish more people would comment on this. I haven't put anything up here in a while, and I really want to know what people make of this.
 — abby

it flows well but perhaps with a few things more interesting than "whats on tv tonight." change the title too. otherwise i like the rest. but yeah, not line 15.
 — unknown

I'm not too hot on the "list of things" poems... they are overdone and feel unoriginal. But your intro and outro are, well, spectacular.
 — unknown

Definitely getting a thumbs up by me
 — NO

I think (personally) the gray in line 15 would have been better if it was grey (with an e). Just the feel of it, maybe. Good poem... very good.
 — exparadise

astral dragons manifest in clouds though of course no one normally believes it. there are all kinds of spirits up there communicating with the spirits down here. some good. some evil. some in between. that's vision baby! good start (check out my poem, Sourcing the Fount of Renewal, and you may learn more). deeper self-revelation please
 — C

i don't understand why i have neither commented on nor rated this one yet. i absolutely love it and i want to marry it.
 — done

I hate that word, obsessed, but I'm not sure there's a better one. I love this. Great, as usual.
 — allie

this is yum. pure yum.

although someone was right, "what's on tv tonite" doesn't seem to fit at all. it's so mundane and the rest is not. and i don't like how abstract "he" in 13 is. although the idea of juxtapositioning the he, grey, and love lines all in a row like that is infinately interesting. gives is a bit more depth than what you find on the first read.
 — jade

Those last two lines just don't seem to fit for some reason. It breaks the flow for me. That's probably why you seperated them from the rest of the poem. But all the rest is great. And what good examples of simple things/thoughts...lines 8-14.
"Wet leaves leave..." great job. Very different. Romantic feel indeed! Worth reading and analyzing. ~Chris King 10/10
 — FrChris

For me you don't need line 15 and then bring the final couplet up to meet the rest and then it will be nearly, but not quite, perfect! Susanna
 — unknown

Susanna is right.
 — unknown

i really like this... you capture so many random disjointed thoughts that melt together wonderfully in a poem. the first thought (lines 1-2) really sets the color of the poem very well, and the supporting thoughts below are great. i think that this could be expanded into another stanza with new thoughts, but it feels like a poem that was written in the moment and one that would be hard to displace yourself into the same state of mind again. because of this simplicity, i can't give this a high rating, even though i liked it; it needs more development to be a completely mature poem. (i gave it a 7)

that said, i still really enjoyed it, and the only recommendation i would make is totally subjective; change gray to grey. i always thought the word was more pleasant with an 'e'. i hope this doesn't become a forum for spelling preferences now. nice work.
 — root

I thought I was the only one interested in sun prints of leaves. This is bright and airy. Sun reflected like lemondrops made my mouth tingle like eating citrus. I like it.
 — Isabelle5

I thought this was a nearly perfect poem. The imagery is unexpected line by line but feels 'fresh as the air feels'. It is one of the best things I've read here. If I ever again walk out in the early morning as the sun is rising, I would like to take this poem with me.

 — unknown

I realy liked it. Its the way my head works too! I know, I think, that I think too much.
 — tinkerman

The images are great - but personally I find the first stanza confusing as in lines 4-6 also, you put a period at the end of sidewalk and then you start a new line that's not actually a new line but a continuation of your opening lines which doesn't make sense....it's somehow related to the word 'shaped'. It just seems awkward. dkm
 — unknown

Okay...I figured out my confusion now. Read your poem like this: I'm obsessed with the way - then jump to your thoughts that follow that obsession,
I'm obsessed with the way clouds shaped like chinese dragons
I'm obsessed with the way sun reflected in the water like lemondrops

It doesn't jive - so to me you need to somehow take out 'the way' or change 'shaped' to 'shape' and 'reflected' to 'reflects' or or or...ha...I'm going to stop now. dkm
 — unknown

I don't know, dkm. I think just getting rid of the period takes care of it. I like the quirkiness of it otherwise.
 — rob

Getting rid of the period will help but the verb tense still seems awkward to me and where oh where is Sam? dkm
 — unknown

It would be nice to have Sam back.

I have to disagree with you, dkm, on the phrasing in the first stanza. After you remove the period, it works well. The subject is "I", the verb is "am obsessed", and the rest is what she is obsessed with. The first is an obsession with "the way" and the second is an obsession with "clouds". I am OK with the fact that it isn't written "the way clouds ("are", "can be"?) shaped like chinese dragons. You would need to add a verb there, but only as part of the phrase. Sam could definitely sort this out. I love this poem!! rob
 — unknown

I love this poem!
the second stanza makes the poem... it reminds me of when my mind wanders!
 — watashi

 — unknown

Damn, girl. This is pure brilliance. I'm glad I took the time to stumble on it. I love the way that your happy thoughts carefully mask the personal declarations going on within the poem. This is magnificent! I am personally curious: what does the closing couplet do for and to you?

 — zepplin42

fucking wonderful.
 — done

b e a utiful ..nice written
 — unknown

Very interesting! I like it! ^__^
 — Baka_Neko

good. very very good :)
 — Darkmagick13

this strts of fine but looses it in stanza 2

AW! I love it!
 — Adrielle

wow ....... it takes your breath away ..... i love it!!!!
 — expressions

chinese dragon is good
 — unknown

It's prahaps a bit twee in places, but the sentiment is so nice that I couldn't help but like it. Nice ending too. (incidently, when I look up at the clouds, I see only lobsters. Really.)
 — Rupert

i love this very much. 9 and 10 seem to break the way i read this, but the last two lines are well, perfect. beaut.
 — wendz

fucking brilliant. technically speaking thought (like punctuation, etc) you need a major fix. the content though, and creativity is great. i agree with your first commenter about line 15 being cliche and about the first stanza being breathtaking :-) anyway, if you fix the punctuation & decide whether or not the poem's going to be all lowercase or not, you'd have a 10-rated poem right here.
 — crimsontears

not good
 — unknown

the word reflected is too contrived.  i hate it.
you use it twice, perhaps not a coincidence.
was XIV the sun king?
 — unknown

I don't understand this poem. It goes nowhere. It sounds beautiful, though, thus making it shallow.
 — unknown

I think that you should have stuck with the nature theme that you established in the first stanza, then you could have avoided the celche in line 15.  I also have to say that it would sound better if you didn't use reflected and reflective, i found myself trying to connect the two lines.  Perhaps you could ues mirrored or something to that affect.  Otherwise, i really liked this poem, it's very chilled out and captures the thoughts of a true observationalist.
 — deafndumb

I loved this poem a year ago, found it again, and still love it.  
 — unknown

i like the first part, after the line break, it goes down hill for me.
 — stainedsteal

great poem love the way its really so orinary but yet so out of the ordinary
 — unknown

Sucks !!
 — unknown

this song is kinda good! but i think is so-so. little bit improvements
 — unknown

hmmm... not my type of poem but i guesse it has it's good points so good job.
 — unknown

the last two lines should get you a scholarship. however obscure, take it.
 — unknown

dats tisaite
 — unknown

Pure poemific essence. I love it.
 — Lia

I do like this a lot. I agree with the general consensus that l10  is out of place - the reason being that it is too mundane and that it makes too much logical everyday sense to think about what's on TV. That moment when something quirky or beautiful stuns you into standing still and dwelling on it for a moment fits all the other images but not the TV reference.

L1-6 are very beautiful. I know that you're happy with the way you've expressed this, but I agree with dmk that grammatically it does jar a little. Maybe just removing the 'and'  would do it?

L15 is a bit too cheesy for me because it feels superfluous, given the simple adoration of l13.

Lines 16-17 are just beautiful. At first I thought they would be better in stanza 1 but then I realized they are just right, giving the poem its circularity, obsession at the start and at the end.
 — smugzy

lemondrops are matte, though.
 — unknown

it was good a bit confusing but i thought it was great. but it slips off when it hits reflective sunglasses. but other then that i loved the chinese dragons if only it had more stuff about that. i give it a 6.9
 — unknown

mm.. lemondrops. :)
 — midare

tang ina mo
 — unknown

really great. i love the use of the word obsessed. you really feel like you know the person! this is one of the best ive seen in a while. nice job! excellent images, love the randomness of the 2nd stanza. the last two lines really dont work for me, they make sense, but the break the mold of the poem in a way that really shouldnt be done. they would have been great for another poem, but the poem is very earthy, and adding candy to the end doesnt work for me. but really great job!
 — topop

i wrote a new poem which started out pretty much the same way this poem started. i assure you it was not intentional, and i haven't reaad this poem in ages. but a few days after posting it i started reading all my favourite poems again, and i realised the similarity of this and my newest.

do you mind if i leave it there? or would you like me to change it?

it's called "the way clouds move"
 — Lia

Nice. Dreamy observations. I find many clouds have the shape of Iceland or UK ...
 — JustineCH

I love the number 9 too.
 — 9