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i make love while you snore


oink oink, baby. please keep those photographed spy pics. redundant but i lost a birthright waking up.

11 Feb 12

Rated 10 (7.5) by 1 users.
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This is actually quite lovely.  The title is hilarious, and the humour does not disturb the wonderful romanticism.  I like those indented lines, "mad in love" enhancing the effect of "you" which sticks out to grab the reader and, if the poem was not the readers before, it does the trick.  

The last two lines weaken very slightly, but hey, wind down and get some zzzs!

 — unknown

i've tried too hard to edit, thankful enough to make it turn out much better. wat do you think i could possibly do to last lines? should i drop it? thanks.
 — unknown

I thought you had "too much thinking and..." something else there before.  ?

"There is only too much and one missing" may be loaded with meaning, but it is awkward in its effect.  

I preferred it as it was before, and I cannot come up with a suggestion right now.  I will think about it.  

I love your poem!
 — unknown

there, reverted. i write here directly, almost lost the line. i appreciate you dig this..yeah, leave last lines. still dual there, y'know what i mean ;)
 — unknown


; )
 — fractalcore

I agree with the comments of the unknown party.  I agree also that the last two lines are a let down.  I wouldn't eliminate them as you need something to complete your piece.  I would play around and try to restate or come up with a different ending.  Overall it is a lovely piece.
 — CaseyPowers

looks displaced it has to end somewhere.

fractalcore, you sure gneiss doesn't mean huff? makes me ambivalent, CaseyPowers. thanks, you two.
 — unknown

I liked it before you added the last line.  Oink. Oink.   Moo.  
 — unknown

can't please no one but me :l
this started to be fun just don't wanna sound tight and i think i didn't fail my drift. though i'm seriously strong yet outlandish to this someone special.
 — unknown

oink oink, baby


 — unknown

is this it? hope it is ;)
 — unknown

i would be happy w/ endings if i fixed this right. pls. don't oink oink on me if this is overly done. i really owe someone the 2 up there ;)
 — softyetharsh

 — Clara

thanks, Clara :)
 — softyetharsh

i would be happy w/ endings if i fixed this right..for the nth.
 — softyetharsh