poetry critical

online poetry workshop



hey poet-boy
Rynne

I don’t want your similes
 1
And I don’t want your prose.
 2
Don’t talk of moonlit summer nights,
 3
Don’t compare me to the rose.
 4
 
 
Hey poet-boy, don’t speak at all,
 5
Don’t even write a line.
 6
Put away your metaphors,
 7
Your meter, tone, and rhyme.
 8
 
 
Don’t wanna hear the Rubiyat,
 9
Forget Keats’ nightingales,
 10
Stop quoting Thanatopsis
 11
And Chaucer’s epic tales.
 12
 
 
For once, fall silent poet-boy,
 13
And let your pen be still,
 14
Forgive my dangerous intrusion
 15
Against your writer's will.
 16
 
 
It exists outside of Poesy,
 17
So once, just savor fate.
 18
Kiss me now, your verse deferred,
 19
Let your Ars Poetica wait.
 20

29 Apr 04

Rated 8.7 (7.8) by 5 users.
Active (5): 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10
Inactive (68): 1, 1, 2, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4, 4, 4, 5, 5, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

lol :)
 — kronah

Love it. Very cleverly written... it's light and humorous, and a really nice piece, one that I think most poets should be able to enjoy. It does seem a bit self-serving, but in the end, that doesn't really matter, right?

Irony like in line 8 or the mild irony of most of the third stanza really help to build this piece.
 — Inuki

Its wonderfuly true, no critisisim.
 — Dragonsayer5

This is now one of my favorites!
 — ct

hey, poet-girl!    very nice. why no name?
 — hank

This is awesome!!!! Very nice concept, well written. The only thing- the "spiral notebooks" in line 15 threw of your flow. But otherwise nice job.

"Jsmiles05"
 — unknown

Yes, fourth stanza trips a bit. I'll fix that. And Inuki, self-serving? In what way? I didn't intend that.
 — Rynne

I like it.
 — Rixes

It's sweet, a bit artless, but sweet.
 — opal

I like it!  Well done.
 — tinkerman

This is very good, I found it clever, entertaining, and fun to read.
Very much enjoyed the word play, it read well at a faster pace
for me.
Lines 9 thru 12 are my favorite.
 — Ayedorite

very nice   well-done
 — DeceivingCry

I just meant that this piece is a bit self-serving in that the piece only talks about the experiences that relate to a poet, it is so self-aware of the fact that it consist of references and allusions (just like most poets do) and that many of the references are likewise to poets like "Chaucer", or "Keats", etc.

It's just like Miltons "On His Blindness" where he writes about how he is struggling to write because he is blind- or Keat's Nightingale Ode (which you even mentioned, so you should know what I'm talking about), where Keats contemplates the importance of his own work through his own poetry- and the opening is about his struggle with creativity.

Similarily you have taken a further step, going so far as to write an entire poem that is quite clearly about poetry, poets, using all the literary devices of a poem, and being totally self-aware and absorbed. As I said, there's nothing wrong with this- it's a clear choice that was made by the author... but it doesn't make it any less self-serving.
 — Inuki

haha. yeah it is good. was the meter/rhyme of the poem supposed to be an extra element of it? or was it just the way you wrote the poem...?

whether it was intentional or not, the sort of 'hypocritical' tone is good. it adds to it. maybe a hint of sarcasm eh? like youre mocking the 'poet-boy'

i like this.
 — AEOS

Truthfully, when I wrote this, I didn't put that much thought into it, Inuki. It was just a spur-of-the-moment, light-hearted thing. But the irony is even greater if that much can be read into it. I think I like it!

As for the meter and rhyme, yes, it was intentional. And I guess I was mocking the poet-boy a little. I love poetry, reading and writing it, but I think sometimes poets get too involved in the poetry, and sometimes get distracted from experiencing life without trying to fit it into words and stanzas.
 — Rynne

kick ass, keep up the work
 — unknown

I liked lines 5-8. I also liked lines 13-16.
This whole poem is interesting, and I like it.
Good job. =)
 — asianpearl

lol, i wish some guy wrote this about me.  that would be hilarious.  i love how you pick out all kinds of poets and yet still can rhyme.
 — sassybnyss

cute,I.like.it
 — speech_less

This needs to be tighter.  I love the idea, and it was a fun read, but honestly I was really, really distracted by the fact that the meter is broken in quite a few places.  I don't want to sound pretentious, because this is probably better than most of my own writing, but here are my recommendations:

l3:  Don't speak to me of moonlit nights
l4: change 'the' to 'a'
l5:  semi-colin (i think?) after "hey poet boy"
l6: "don't write a single line" ... I think that is more consistent with the idea of line 5
l7:  needs another syllable to keep the meter going... maybe "Just put away your metaphors"?
l9:  sounds sloppy starting with "don't"... i have no suggestions, but this was distracting
l10:  nearly breaks the meter w/Keats'  (should read as 2 syllables, but i think its poetic license, like proncouncing -ed's as an extra syllable)
l11:  could use a comma at the end
l13: delete first comma
l15:  spiral notebooks sort of broke the "romantic" feel of the poet.  i know a lot of poets probably write in them, but maybe consider another image here.  (especially since probably no one on earth uses a quill in a spiral notebook... its a bad juxtaposition)
l16:  this is where the meter is broken the most.  "clean the ink from your quill" does not flow at all in the reading.
l18:  i don't think you need the comma
l19:  again, the meter is broken.  the weight of the words is in the wrong places.  i suggest something like "Let kisses be your masterstroke" instead... besides, logically, no one can kiss and speak at the same time:  the current line is kind of illogical
l20:  it seems like you tried to force "Ars Poetica" into this line.  the flow is broken again (i hope you know what i mean by this... i will elaborate just in case... you clearly establish a meter here, with the stress on every other syllable:  when you read it that way, the poem is really beautiful.  that is why i found it so distracting to have the meter broken-- you have the right number of syllables, but if you try reading it aloud you will see what i mean.)  if you use, in l19, "let kisses be your masterstroke", you could change l20 to something like "my lips, your canvas, wait."

That was a lot of crit, right there.  I should say this was a pleasure to read, and I think it has a lot of potential.  I noticed its number 40 on the top rated list, so obviously you're resonating with the readers here, but if you clean this up a bit you will have a keeper.  Please let me know if you change it!  I'll try to come back and check for myself.
 — root

I don't mean to toot my own horn, here, but it was a lot of work to type up that crit.  Can you at least let me know what you think of my ideas?
 — root

Root-- I haven't checked my poems in quite awhile and was surprised to see this poem had been commented on recently. I appreciate the lengths you've gone to and will seriously consider your suggestions to make this better. Hopefully I'll have a chance to work on it this week. Thank you again!
 — Rynne

.:10:.
 — FangzOfFire

*smiles*
i'm going to score this find out who you are and see how hypocritical this really is.

it's a good poem.
 — kaleidazcope

rynne. the monk poem person.

oh not hypocritical at all.
you are a fine writer.
full of promise
and originality.

has this site thought of doing it's own anthology?
it has occured to me I don't even know who owns and runs it
to ask.

yes i'd like one or two of your poems
on my bookshelf.
 — kaleidazcope

excelent!
 — silly

great poem, i love it
 — dmartin

i want to poo-poo on your poem for ignoring my critique.  it takes the wind out of my critical sails when stuff like this happens.
 — root

I agree with the statement "l19:  again, the meter is broken.  the weight of the words is in the wrong places.  i suggest something like "Let kisses be your masterstroke" instead... besides, logically, no one can kiss and speak at the same time:  the current line is kind of illogical" (root) but other than that I think this is a fantastc classy poem!
 — PaulBeers

hahah, I don't know why but this made me smile and laugh. Thanks.
 — SeraphSoul

awww. i loved the last stanza. it was great. very nicely done.
 — unknown

its a fun poem, well written
 — unknown

Just one suggestion, by the way: L4 change 'Don't' to 'Nor', just because the repetition irks me. Still and probably forever a 10.
 — FangzOfFire

Okay. I guess I have to get serious about this, huh? Well, I have been looking at this for quite sometime now. But haven't you ever had a block as to what to do? I know it needs changed, but I haven't quite figured out what I want to do yet. Root, I was not ignoring your comments at all. They are very helpful, I just have a bit of writer's block, I guess. But this will be changing soon.
 — Rynne

i'm new to this poetry world. but i like this! :)
 — superndngyrl

sorry, i don't mean to be an ass, i just am one sometimes.  but if you've ever typed a long critique, maybe you understand my frustration.  the poem still rocks, i just figured if you cleaned it up it would be that much better.  good luck to you.
 — root

I generaly steer clear of this type of poem cause they're so......typical. but I truely like it! Great poem (7)
 — unknown

I guess even hypocrisy can have beauty.
 — Andrew

Alright. I've changed this a little. Any better?
 — Rynne

very nice
 — JKukla

lol...I can see the person saying this in my head.  I love it!  Amazing use of words and poetry jargon.
 — SqueakyAmore

i like it....var var much
 — unknown

very good poem.  root's suggestions were right on the money.  i see you've cleaned it up a bit since.  more could be done along the lines of root's suggestions.

this poem is very good.  with some minor modifications, it has the potential to be great.
 — theshortbus

*AMEN*
 — Rhibal

awesome!
 — thirdeyris

i really love this.
 — omega

in line 20, i would take out 'and' and 'your'... meter sounds better that way.
 — omega

yes to the above comment
 — unknown

This is lovely till L15 which is weak. 'dangerous'  seems very inappropriate.  L20 is too awkward to be funny for me.  On the whole a real fun read.
 — unknown

creative
 — unknown

soooooooooooooooooooooo true
 — unknown

this is perfect. i love it. 5-8 and 13-20 are my favorite parts, if i have to choose. :o)
 — 8Gj00

Hey  the  poem,  I&n bsp; thought  it  was&nbs p; alittle  off,  but&nbs p; if  you  keep &nb sp;trying  you   will  get  better

-Karen&nb sp; Smith
 — unknown

CUTE!
 — bubble_gum

this is so gay!!!!!!!!!!
 — unknown

bading ding!!
 — unknown

love
 — tragicbubble

Hi Rynne,

I like this poem, probably for all the wrong reasons, I must speak a different language to every one here,
because I can see neither sense nor reason in some of the criticisms here.

The rhythm has slight hesitance to it, which may be intentional, only you know.
It gives a certain character.
Personally I would have preferred a slightly smoother start and fewer don’ts in the first stanza
I stumbled slightly on your first lines.

I don’t want your similes 1
And I don’t want your prose.  2
Don’t talk of moonlit summer nights,  3
Don’t compare me to the rose.

I would have gone in this direction

I don’t want your similes
or even want your prose.
Don’t talk of moonlight summer nights
or compare me to a rose.

I would suggest you it read out aloud at different speeds, and see if those hesitant steps are really what you want.
And I just love  a poem that saves the meaning to the last line, just when it was getting interesting as well.

Morchuis
 — unknown

reminds me of that poem from "ten things i hate about you"  for some reason, now that i've re-read it.  :-P
 — 8Gj00

wow... this poem is really fun!
 — Delicatelie

the best poem about writer's block i have ever read, 10
 — Odin

Superb structure allusions,its sentiments .Loved it
 — larrylark

i like it<3 its nifty.
 — LoserXcore

nice job. very clever
 — unknown

I was not aware that someone could "rag" on this poem until I read your feedback.  Most of the so called critics probably can't write poetry half as good as this.  It's simplicity is what caught my eye.  I hate to say this, but I fell in love with this poem the first time that I read it ( that sounds really gay, I know, but I couldn't think of another way to say it).  This is one of the best poems that I have read from an independant author in a long time.  Thanks for the amusement.
 — tyleroglesby

I can only assume that Tyler's comment refers to the lengthy critique I left on this piece since I'm one of the only ones to attempt to provide constructive criticism here.  Tyler, you would be apt to see the second word in the title of this site:  Critical.  We're here to workshop, not to "rag" as you say.

I resent the attack on my credibility in your comment, not because I am personally offended by it, but because that attitude in general is what prevents good critique from happening here.

No doubt, this is a good piece of poetry.  A better one since Rynne's edit (sorry I didn't notice sooner).  Did I not say that I thought an edit would send this to the top ranks of the poems here?  Lo and behold, its currently number 3;  proof that editing and critique does lead to an overall better response from readers, proof that the system works if we let it.

I don't mean to toot my own horn (again) on this poem's commentary, because its a great piece of writing and I don't want to distract from that.  However, I feel that the kind of comment I left on this piece long ago is more thoughtful and deserving of respect than most of the praise people leave here.  That is not to minimize the need for praise, but to say I think its truly tragic when people attack or dismiss any sort of attempt at constructive criticism.

Anyone can say "this is great" or "this sucks" but to go the extra step and empathize with the writer and care enough about their work that you make the small suggestions... that takes time and consideration.

I hope people see that this was my intention.  That its possible that critique actually helps people to improve their writing.  If not we obviously need to change the name so people like myself stop coming here.
 — root

I'm very grateful for your comments, root, and never found them offensive. Helped me edit this piece, and that's what good criticism should do.

-Rynne.
 — unknown

im not much of a poetic person... im just in this site to plagarize a poem for my english class..hah but this is good
 — unknown

one of the best ive read
 — unknown

superb.  keep it up.
 — john

Very shakey rhythm... good words, though.
 — ramher

Ooo, the irony! The little note at the end gave me a little chuckle.
 — Dead

Love It!
 — unknown

Root, I know I didn't offend you, but you take it too seriously.  I know it sounded like I did too in my comment, but my mind was warped at the time.  Plus, this is just a fun little thing that amateur writers do to get their poems revised by other beginners.  I think that you went a little too far on your critique.  Just tell Rynne what you thought, and what to do to fix it.  But then again, it's nice to know that people like of your stature are on this site.   P.s. Thanks for the advise on my unformed poems.
 — tyleroglesby

THE BEST THING I'V READ ON THIS SITE SO FAR!!!
 — crazy

Very good stuff except for the last line which is a dreadful letdown. Me, I'd much prefer you you changed it to something like -  It's time to fornicate.
 — unknown

sweeeeeeeeeeeet
 — unknown

i love this.
 — electricity

very clever.  you have a lot of talent!
 — OwlGirl

First time here.  I hear this recited by your own, perfect voice, Rhynne. No wonder it sounds so musical=the poem is your singing voice.   Ten
I have no crit so that's why. Not a gloss-over, just a fine poem and in the top ten percent (higher!) than all the poems we see here at PC.   reid
 — netskyIam

near perfect

what's with these footnotes anyway (on this site i mean)

?


peace brothas and sistas

peace peacocks and feasants

peace of feast and and at least to all of youz writing poetrees
 — unknown

When read aloud, I think like 8 is a little funny.  One too many words maybe? Not sure.
First and Third stanzas are just gorgeous.  I usually hate rhyme, but my did you make it work!  Fantastic.
I love this!  Reminds me of my ex-boyfriend.  I used to say the same things..he was all writing, and I was only writing when I was, you know...writing.  Hah, anyway.  I agree.  Keep writing, poet-boy.  
 — WordsAndMe

no wonder this is so popular, it's really well done...and smart, I enjoyed this, a fave for me as well.
 — jenakajoffer

Ha-ha, I love it! <3 ^^
 — ashley87

Cute.
 — aurelius

i think if your message is truly "keep on writing," then say THAT in the poem.

your explanation won't be able to follow your poem everywhere it goes.
 — unknown

Ha :)

If every girl would skip to the making out there would probably be a lot less poetry in the world.
 — rocket

Oh my god, I love this poem! I've never commented on anything before for some reason, but I just had to for this. It has a light sense of humour, and the structure is perfect. I was laughing as I read it. I'm guessing poesy is a word; I've never heard it before, but I'm pretty new to the world of poetry. I gave it a 10.
 — dreamergirl

awesome
 — lanezfairy

you say so much about him, but you show so much about yourself. no wonder he's "bisexual curious".
 — unknown

I have read this so many times and this is the first time I noticed that I never commented on it!  This is wonderful and I like it every single time it comes around.  It's cheeky, sassy, intelligent and just right.  
 — Isabelle5

this is wonderful. no critiques. no additions. i just wanted to say how greatly written this is. it was 'cute'.
favourite.
Eso
 — Esoteric

this poem about a girl's suppositions shows why boys are "bi-curious".
 — unknown

That was cute.
 — Bandrews

hi !
first, it is  ''robayat'' in arabic and not rubiyat as you wrote it, i think...
secondly, I'm impressed ; I'm depressed.

well done !
 — greenmantle

Its okay, but not worthy of a top rating. Just not that interesting or original, and I don't really care about what is being said at all.
 — unknown

why not swap rhyme and tone to sort of rhyme with metaphore... ?

big problem with ars / arse homophonia... ( don't want to be crude but... )
 — greenmantle

I still love this poem.  
 — Isabelle5

!
 — unknown

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