you is not you
clichéd and passé
you is poesy
a piece more than jewel
a crown i am highly wearing
but you are thorns
it bids to coagulate
blood in blood --
i cower most its alluvium
7 Mar 12
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Take line 6 and run for your life. The rest is rotting out.
^ outrageous accusation.
author, do you deplore your attraction? Is it beyond attraction?
I enjoyed this poem, paricularly the surprising altitude of L 6.
poesy vs. poetry is an eternal meaningful debate.
nice tight decoration, like a piece of jewelry -- good sense of rhythm and modern cadence. i like the wording, admire the concision.
ignore the pedophile cadmium / james bauer
thanks. changed 'are' with 'is' on L4 to make subject 'you' universal making transition of 'yours' in L7 subjective.
This jars on the eye. The use of you in such an irregular fashion is the primary culprit. I feel the poem could have flowed easier. Consider typing this on paper and re reading it you may then possibly agree.
You are not you. You are not thyself. You are not yourself. Words better for line one
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