poetry critical

online poetry workshop



you halved
unknown

you is not you
 1
you halved
 2
clichéd and passé
 3
you is poesy
 4
a piece more than jewel
 5
a crown i am highly wearing
 6
but you are thorns
 7
it bids to coagulate
 8
your doppelganger
 9
blood in blood --
 10
i cower most its alluvium
 11

7 Mar 12

Rated 10 (10) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10
Inactive (1): 10, 10

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Comments:

Take line 6 and run for your life. The rest is rotting out.
 — Known

^ outrageous accusation.
author, do you deplore your attraction? Is it beyond attraction?
I enjoyed this poem, paricularly the surprising altitude of L 6.

poesy vs. poetry is an eternal meaningful debate.
 — lysandre

nice tight decoration, like a piece of jewelry -- good sense of rhythm and modern cadence. i like the wording, admire the concision.
 — cadmium

ignore the pedophile cadmium / james bauer
 — unknown

thanks. changed 'are' with 'is' on L4 to make subject 'you' universal making  transition of 'yours' in L7 subjective.
 — softyetharsh

http://www.yo utube.com/watch?v=4xn90GqBxbU
 — unknown

This jars on the eye. The use of you in such an irregular fashion is the primary culprit. I feel  the poem could have flowed easier. Consider typing this on paper and re reading it you may then possibly agree.
 — unknown

You are not you. You are not thyself.  You are not yourself. Words better for line one
 — unknown

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 — unknown

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