poetry critical

online poetry workshop



so help you god?
unknown

to avoid the choke up i spit the words out
 1
 
 
for an arrangement
 2
 
 
for the arraignment
 3
 
 
for the trial
 4
 
 
for the conviction
 5
 
 
the sentence
 6
 
 
with no peers
 7
 
 
 
 
 
 
while i have the least confused,
 8
rational mind
 9
in this grand chamber,
 10
this place that cost all the fortunes
 11
 
 
of broken families
 12
[surrounding us
 13
in solid oak, rich mahogany,
 14
and wealthy council],
 15
 
 
i'm still rather confused
 16

26 Mar 12

Rated 6 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6
Inactive (1): 10

(define the words in this poem)



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Comments:

i'd drop line 7 -- it's the line in the IQ test which doesn't belong with the others conceptually or aesthetically -- nor at all intellectually.

you want, in the first stanza of a lyric like this to say just enough, but not over-talk like bernard shaw -- you want to let the force of the last stanza be the world that people fall into, not the one they were led to by the tour guide.

so, the last two stanzas are muck -- you've tried to write a story dialog on your impressions, instead of giving us something to see and react to: what happens is that i react to you saying stuff, and suddenly you've become, in line 8, just a confused person talking out loud.

i don't really want what's good enough. i want to see the genius in you.
 — cadmium

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