poetry critical

online poetry workshop



prig cunt
DeformedLion

i love it when my fingers smell like garlic
 1
not so much
 2
when my body dry-heaves itself
 3
down the s
 4
                     t
 5
                       a
 6
                          i  
 7
                           r
 8
                             s.
 9
 
 
 
 
radiofinger does not come up in red squiggle,
 10
except for then
 11
pregnant dots giving birth to alien shapes
 12
and
 13
the afterlife,
 14
        
 15
    my communal hipster
 16
    a douche bag
 17
    hair split side
 18
    draining down
 19
    his face
 20
    that filtered lip
 21
    aches to greet
 22
    the sun.
 23
 
 
    blisters like trains humming
 24
    rail
 25
 
 
i with a blue chorus, the lanterned
 26
shadows    the fistula
 27
  an iris sparking
 28
melting the steel cannula
 29
its insert pegged
 30
onto muppet heart,
 31
 
 
 
 
i wake with all sorts of things indecent:
 32
hand inside my chest ribbing the bone-plate;
 33
a cold;
 34
sort of periphery where a nimbus white
 35
horizons
 36
tunnels, burrows where i keep the medicine.
 37
 
 
some look back
 38
to where ancient prophecies clamber,
 39
their goat throated barking
 40
jilts and jambs
 41
corseted upon my lace frame.
 42
 
 
some look back:  
 43
i can't see far enough forward,
 44
the arches, the elbows
 45
peaking about midnight
 46
and staying shallow
 47
for rest,
 48
 
 
at the tone of dawn
 49
its box of roses and penultima
 50
thorn,
 51
followed the sun fallow
 52
kiss,
 53
 
 
a shrivel of petal,
 54
and million red birds
 55
trilling upon my corpse.
 56
 
 
thrilled at my passing,
 57
death obliges, hipsters
 58
in love
 59
with pizza crust
 60
  fringe
 61
crumbed      but a
 62
bunch
 63
just a bunch
 64
yeah sons
 65
of
 66
prig cunts.
 67
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
prig cunt, ii:
 68
 
 
 
 
father-mother
 69
 
 
says: you gotye
 70
go
 71
up the
 72
                                s    
 73
                          r
 74
                   i    
 75
           a
 76
     t
 77
s
 78
 
 
before you can fall down them
 79
the map of bones
 80
i leave strewn about the house
 81
guess it messes up the decor
 82
 
 
my atlas is spinning
 83
index keeps fishing in
 84
the atlantic
 85
i wanted like mexico
 86
 
 
strobe out in a dust
 87
wagon
 88
 
 
place lights over my head and see
 89
if my eyelids
 90
light may eat through,
 91
 
 
 
 
after the horse drops i'll giddy-up
 92
on a broom stick and witch it
 93
back home,
 94
 
 
don't know    maybe follow the bone-map.
 95
 
 
after dad left his
 96
wallet in his shorts
 97
 
 
his money cheated on him with me,
 98
blew a few quid on matchsticks
 99
try light
 100
the sky on fire.
 101
 
 
(they's)
 102
gave up trying to remake sun,
 103
just took me to the quack
 104
 
 
imagine wet
 105
and furious things
 106
showering all the world
 107
in muddy shit.
 108
 
 
i started to look for a place
 109
where lassie wouldn't get to me
 110
decided
 111
on the pound.
 112
 
 
was two seconds late to a diner
 113
out left of wherever it is you think it
 114
and she (a self-professed prig slut)
 115
was counting out the bullets
 116
shrugged
 117
said
 118
            i  have enough   ho
 119
                                   l    e
 120
                                     s
 121
thank ya very muck.
 122
 
 
fuck ya,
 123
[replies]
 124
 
 
like not much sun arc
 125
later
 126
 
 
we was making fresh in the backyard
 127
dumpster.
 128
 
 
think the irony was too much
 129
for my feathered hat to bear,
 130
shrugged off  
 131
down a highway.
 132
 
 
was
 133
nighttime now
 134
 
 
 
 
the chorus of fish smells
 135
the two dollar cacophony
 136
lit cigs, rain, a cab weaves noir
 137
all over the road.
 138
 
 
i was just staining my imagination
 139
with thoughts of bogart
 140
minding my own buzz
 141
 
 
night was settled
 142
fat and
 143
the snooker lights
 144
husbanding
 145
little leather hermits
 146
into their shells.
 147
 
 
couldn't push restart,
 148
fuck this
 149
went bulldozing up to the bar
 150
 
 
ordered two pints of lager
 151
and a cherry for keeps,
 152
 
 
after the first i was minding the second
 153
all out of nowhere
 154
some hassle about eyes and where
 155
the fuck were mine
 156
i said in my head where
 157
the fuck else would they happen
 158
to be,
 159
 
 
this drunk prig cunt- not sure- him or me:
 160
starts pigging loud, you know:
 161
noxious, vintage farting rain clouds.
 162
 
 
i fucking left that hole with a drill.
 163
wasn't ready to testify,
 164
nor get cozy with a brick.
 165
 
 
 
 
after three,
 166
when the hose kind of gets loose
 167
is when the elements frighten off the kids,
 168
sure they bleat a bit
 169
pack up right neat quick,
 170
rather than z's
 171
i chomp at the rain
 172
taste satan
 173
sulfur,
 174
maybe
 175
water.
 176
 
 
 
 
get on a metal horse
 177
jacket myself into dawn
 178
 
 
i'll sleep when i'm dead.
 179
 
 
.
 180
 
 
 
 
 
 
WAKE UP!
 181
dad.
 182
YA HIPSTER FUCKING DOUCHE!
 183

3 Jun 12

Rated 9.7 (7.8) by 3 users.
Active (3): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (4): 1, 1, 10, 10

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Comments:

Deeply impressive, highly creative use of shape and imagery this poem burns itself onto the mind
 — larrylark

added the second part. may remove for repost.

but no patience for the 6 day probation.
 — DeformedLion

swimming in the same deep water as you is hard
 — unknown

underneath all that hair is mouth which would whisper something about sealions, sharks and boys shooting off in the ocean, forget the girls under the waves hoovering up the sperm.
 — DeformedLion

hah! you talk when your mouth is full. your counterpart knows how to tell the marines. peter pan?
 — unknown

   beware the Cunt under the stairway  

    __
        L
          L
            ; L
   *(O)*   L
________ L
 — unknown

Oh dangit' my stairs is broken!!
 — unknown

There is some very startling imagery in this poem. I hope this does not sound harsh. The over-use of shock nouns and verbs takes away from the poem's power.
The ending just doesn't belong. At all. I really hope that you will edit this poem, and let it become the magnificent work that it wants to be.
 — unknown

read this. it got boring after the first 5 lines, then it got very boring after the next 15. it ended on the 183rd line of crap.
 — unknown

full of dread
 — unknown

part 1 is tight.
you're losing grip towards the end of part 2.

thanks for the read.
;)
 — fractalcore

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