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when we were paper
mandolyn

you smelled like camp
 1
–summer
 2
after a long bus ride home
 3
you brought me the woods
 4
in a handshake
 5
and i giggled like a freaking clown
 6
 
 
so i pushed you
 7
just a little
 8
hoping you'd trip when stepping back
 9
waking up your childhood crush
 10
 
 
your eyes were a forest fire
 11
we loved to watch things burn
 12
the moon, sweating
 13
over our homecoming
 14
 
 
years of pencil
 15
months of stamps
 16
my laugh, your ringtone
 17
pick up
 18

23 Jun 12

Rated 10 (9.6) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (19): 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

I really like the first 18 lines.
 — JKWeb

thanks web
 — mandolyn

Very evocative. This is a great example of less showing more in a poem. Truly excellent work

Larry day tripper Lark
 — larrylark

thanks mr. lark
 — mandolyn

Lighthearted romantico that's quirkily refreshing in your own inimitable style, Mandee.
A few thoughts to ponder - summer camp for camp summer - giggled for smiled
- over for beneath.
Does the title work?
L15-18 perfect - a cheeky little gem on its own that oozes with charming honesty - don't touch that part ever.
You really should write more often, but then I understand how your boots are full.
 — Abracadabra

i can't believe i had 'beneath' on that line!
i was thinking 'over' and typed beneath. man, i'm backwards lately.

thanks for those suggestions. i'm mighty glad you did.
i kept L1-2 as is
i just like it better, for some odd reason

thanks for the encouragement sailor. i have time, but i can only write when it chokes me. lately i've been gasping for air :)
 — mandolyn

love this.
 — suedehead

It's depressing knowing that writing letters and mailing them is considered a past time
 — unknown

Hmm.... tis is quite scattered.
I especially HATED line 6 and the use of "freakin".  
That's just my opinion, though... Take it or leave it.
 — aforbing

freaking clowns do giggle like freaking clowns. :)

thanks for commenting forbs.
 — mandolyn

and thanks again, head of suede
 — mandolyn

Oops.  Forgot one thing:  I feel that L6 takes away from the magick here.  Read it for yourself, Mandolyn without it and I think you'll agree.  The vernacular there seems to not jibe with the rest.  It actually cheapens the whole piece with its seemingly juvenile interjection.  I'd consider scrapping it.  

Oh, and that TITLE...WOOF!  JUST gorgeous!  You really outdid yourself on this one, sista!  xo
 — starr

OMG!  LOL!  Looks like my first comment got wiped out TOO because my sign-in timed OUT!  

I was just saying how absolutely beautiful and sensual this is and how IN LOVE I AM with L's 11-14!  xo
 — starr

This makes me happy and hurt that the same time.  It flows without having to finish sentences, without having to be explicit.  You smelled like camp just draws in the reader, especially if they have ever been to camp or camping.  
 — Isabelle5

thanks starr and isabelle

starr- BUT I LIKE L6! :(
i don't know why...
it's personal i guess...
 — mandolyn

If YOU LIKE L6, then KEEP L6!  LOL!  You are the author.  This is YOUR baby.  Your writing must ALWAYS serve as a reflection AND exTENSION of who YOU ARE and what YOU like!  I really DIG L's 11 & 12 tho.  They are da BOMB!  :-)
 — starr

this is childlike and pure. speaks of sun and memory and love.
 — unknown

thanks
 — mandolyn

Love 7-10.  Title is awesome.  Nice work!
 — sybarite

thanks syb!
 — mandolyn

piss poor.
 — unknown

mods are playing favorites again. cutting negative comments on this piece of shit.
 — unknown

where did he go??
 — unknown

^ a place of high plain drifting
half priced naps at noon
 — mandolyn

still my fave by you mandolyn.
 — JKWeb

i love how this doesn't have big words, only gigantic feelings. I feel every single line poet!
 — majan

aw, thanks web!

and thanks majan. i like simple words. always have. i was never a fan of the word 'verbose' either.
 — mandolyn

right
 — wrong

guitar
 — mandolyn

Good Lord, this is wonderful.
 — 9

Good Lord, thanks 9!
I'm glad you like it.
:)
 — mandolyn

Love this. That ride was nauseating! Too many switchbacks,.
I hate this damn keyboard!! Your Cs and Vs are gone.
 — yield

And your e, s, a, l, nm ----DAMN! This keyboard is shit. I'm buying you a new one.
 — yield

you don't need the letters on each key, you just need to know the keyboard.
ding dong.
 — mandolyn

I love this Mandee.

It made me open my old pencil box, and take out my propelling-pencil set and bald-point pens. :)
 — badweather

AWESOME minus L6.  It instantly, in MY opinion, reduces the entire piece.  LOVE the title.  I'd break L18 off on its own too.  OMG!  I just noticed that I had already commented on this and that DAMNED L6 is STILL THERE!!!  Bring my a blowtorch!!!  POOF!!!  :-)
 — starr

^  Bring ME a blowtorch!  Not "my!"  Damned keyboard at work!  :-L
 — starr

but i giggled like a freaking clown, starr! ;)

thanks, badweather.
 — mandolyn

I have to bump this minor masterpiece once again.
 — 9

Lines 11 and 12 for me, but I can almost smell the wood smoke in the rest.

A good read.
 — jenn

thanks, y'all.
 — mandolyn

Yes L's 11 to 18 are very moving and pure poetry.
 — 9

there was a time i thought about cutting this in half and only making 11-18 the poem. but i never did.
 — mandolyn

Don't. The entire poem is alive.
 — unknown

Deep and touching.
 — unknown

thanks, unknown.
 — mandolyn

hi mandolyn. i concur with (Mister) or (Misses) JKWeb.
 — sylvia

A good read.
 — annotating60

thanks, you're kind.
 — mandolyn

This is great! So different from your newer ones. I see your style is morphing ...
Glad I gave your list a look over.
 — unknown

That last part is a nice campfire. I personally think this could use more.
Good work. ~ the phantom nEd
 — unknown

Perfect poem in everyway
 — lucion

Read em and weep.
 — Known

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